Lead me to the Rock - for I cannot walk away.

Wow. It's incredible how hard, hard, HARD the enemy is pursuing me right now - in pretty much every aspect. One of my friends mentioned that it sounded like I'm being "hunted" when I shared all the different things going down at this point - and it's so profound ...because that's exactly what is going on. I feel like his main target ... Riiiight before I came here - God moved in a mighty way in my life ... some random guy who I'd never laid eyes on walked up to the table where my friend Abi and I were sitting in Starbucks - and laid me flat with this crazy prophesy ... I mean - like ...no way he could have known the things he was saying were EXACTLY what had taken place in my life ... things that God had begun to lay on my heart only a few short months before - the weird thing is ... I am just that much more sure it was of God - due to the way the enemy has unleashed himself upon me at every. single. turn. .....ways that I would never have thought possible. ....lol - I'm reading back over what I've written - forgive the vagueness ... I can't share everything at this point - some of you know what I refer to ... to those of you who don't - I'm sorry if I leave you confused.

I spoke to my dearest heart ...my Mel today about it all - once again I'd come juuuust to the point of giving it all up - the healing He's doing constantly, constantly ...the grief I face daily when I walk into the hospital not knowing how Alex will be doing - knowing that his end ....my God - his end is coming. ... "I'm horrified of how willing I am to walk away it all. I have fought for all of this for sooooo long. - I'm weary ...and I just can't fight anymore ....and as horribly selfish as this sounds - I can't DO this thing with Alex anymore. I can't deal with losing him ...facing him each day ... leaving him each day ... I can't carry myself right now - much less Alex and the pain of losing him ....precious, precious baby!!!" - And in her typical, beautiful, wisdom filled way - she stopped me in the street ... and said "you know ...as soon as you spoke of walking away - there was something in my spirit ...that said - "it will never happen ...for she cannot walk away from Me" - you remind me of my little Madi, Mary ... it is impossible for Madi to look up at me - and say, "Mommy ... I love you - but life with you is just too hard ... and my love isn't strong enough", - her eyes filled with tears ...."Daughter," I would say..."your love ISN'T strong enough ....but MINE is - and I refuse to let you go" ....He looks at you with such tenderness ... and says that HIS love is strong enough for the both of you ... and He will not let you go. - And as far as Alex ... Mary...you KNOW - you already know. ....You are his light right now ... you are here for him. - You can walk out of that hospital and be fed - your needs can be met ... right now you ARE the meeting of his needs - He needs you ... and that's bigger than your weakness and heartache. - And Mary ... his life is worthy of your heartbreak. ... you can't walk away."

My heart is one big ache. My strength is gone. - but my Jesus is alive... and for all that I lack - He fills to overflowing. He is my Rock ....and I cannot and will not walk away.

I love You, Father.