To Sing Over You is My Delight

Today held going into the city with Mel. A trip to the Embassy to get passports - hers renewed. mine re...made? done? - whatever - seeing as how it was stolen(!!). Anyway ... we kind of had an American day ... ate at Chilli's - went "shopping" - meaning we walked the mall, tried things on, and just had some good old girlie time together - it's kind of my favorite.

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I'll breathe My life inside of you

I'll bear you up on eagle's wings

And hide you in the shadow of My strength

but the best part of the day was a call I received from Dick at around 2:30 or so - "Lionel is in my arms...", he said - "and he looks better than he did before the seizures - he's even been laughing a bit" ... I wrote a friend later - that I can't really begin to imagine what a beautiful sound that little laugh must be.....

I'll take you to My quiet waters

I'll restore your soul

Come rest in Me and be made whole

I must praise my Jesus. Is this not His way ... his beautiful way of restoration? Every time I come in contact with a story, a situation, ...anything like this - it forever points me back to my own life ... my own walk - everything about me points to His absolute faithfulness and compassion and mercy. My heart is full of love for this God. I don't understand Him. - I don't understand why it is ...that when I heard of Lionel's seizures ... my heart dropped - but I carried it to Him ... knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that He. Is. Faithful. ...faithful and good - and that my broken heart was a mere shadow of the pain in His .... and how, in the same breath ...as soon as I received that call from Dick, my instant thought was, Lord - could you possibly be anymore good?? - I don't know how everything, ...everything reverts back to Him and His constant goodness. ...and how it has nothing to do with our "faith" or "maturity" ...rather a simple knowing - that no matter what....Jesus Christ is a foundation that no storm can wash away- the same way you know that the air you breath is what keeps you alive day after day. - it's just ...known. not to be argued with.

But Lionel...

I want to cry and laugh and hope for Lionel again. I want to hear his laugh...I want to see his eyes bright instead of clouded over and full of panic. - So tomorrow I go ...full of hope - full of expectancy that my Father ...the Father of the fatherless - is indeed good. Who's story for Lionel one of hope- and Who's plan for him is one beyond my imagination.

I trust You, Jesus...

Under My mercy Come and wait

Till we are standing face to face

I see no stain on you My child

the physical. the spiritual. the emotional .... He calls to all of it in us. He calls to every part of it. Can't you just hear His voice sing over you as He clothes you in light. As he strips away layer after layer what life has laid over you - bathes you, and then draws you in ....

"Come. By My blood you are stainless ...you are to be clothed in love and mercy and grace and peace. I have accomplished redemption. Death and flesh have no power over you .... but My Life reigns - and My heart for you goes deeper and beyond what you can begin to comprehend. - Come, My precious child who I long for .... you are My heart."

THIS is our God. The God who weeps over the orphan shivering in the alley ... who dances with the child healed of pain that was once crippling .... who is about the business of salvation.... and who will fight for those who cannot. The God of absolute, uncontrollable, and undeniable ....Love.

...this is MY God.

. weakened by the force of his eyes.

:::you're beautiful:::

hard day at Hermano Pedro today. Lionel, the little boy ...our little beacon of hope had a seizure. he's been put into isolation... I couldn't get in to see him. my heart is kind of killing me right now. worried sick about this little light that has cap
tured everyone's heart. - i remember when Dick first brought him in ....he'd been telling me about him for a couple of weeks - this tiny kid ...9 years old - weighing 17 lbs, named Lionel. he was wrapped up in this blanket .... i couldn't believe that a nine year old boy could be so tiny and frail. never have i seen such a harsh picture of starvation before.

::and I am weakened by the force of your eyes::

BUT ...four days later - we went in to see him ...and he'd GAINED 4 pounds, according to Dick - and his tiny little face had filled out just a bit ...and his eyes were sparkling - it seemed to me that he had "hope" written all over him. every time I've peaked in to check on him since, he's been getting better, little by little - and then this seizure happened this morning.... kills me to think of how on earth his tiny frame could withstand a seizure. :::I called my mom up afterwards ...a bit of a mess - if there is ANYTHING that we come together, it's these children. And there is just something about sharing these kid's stories and needs - instead of keeping them to myself ...that seems to be important. Each of them is worthy of being sick with worry over ...each deserves to be honored by being talked about, laughed over and wept over - their lives don't just begin and end at the doors of Hermano Pedro - no. i will honor them by bringing their lives to the attention of all i know. - Please, to anyone reading this - please keep Lionel in your hearts and prayers ...his life is such a gift to all of us who have come to know him.

::So tie me to a tree and let the smoke and ash collect

No, I won't regret to let love do what love will let

We can drown in mixed emotions or walk across an angry sea

This is the cost of being free::

due to my taking care of Madi girl in Mel's absence I've not been to Hermano Pedro but once in the past several days. I've missed it. today brought with it a new team. a great team. one of those teams that walked through and wept over these children who've taken over my heart. too many walk through and then walk out ...unfazed. - I'm forever surprised by the different waves of emotion each ward brings - and always, always ...taking a group through - no matter how long I'm there each day - brings everything back new as if I too am seeing it for the first time. I'm always so excited by it...even though it's so hard. i never want to become used to the need. i want always to be grieved by it. i don't want my tears to dry or my heart to stop aching...because from the tears and the ache, comes the fire and passion to be used - to bring change. i must always be on fire. there must always remain in my heart that passion to be a vessel of LIFE.

I'm gonna show you love in every language

I'm gonna speak with words that need no form

I'm gonna give you what you never had before

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Hands Open. Palms Up ....Surrender

Today - I saw the very same woman who took my bag (along with my journal) at McDonalds. And I had a crazy God moment ... I felt no anger towards her - just sadness. She looked absolutely miserable ... refusing to look me in the eye or even acknowledge my presence ... there was no joy about her at all - and no, I don't think she looked that way simply because of stealing the bag ... but just generally - I had to wonder to myself... what does her life look like? How did she grow up? ....it takes a lot of hard things to draw every last bit of sparkle and joy from someones countenance - so how did she get here?? I can't seem to stop wondering. I can't seem to get her off my heart ....

"God break my heart for what breaks Yours. Everyday give me Your heart's eyes to look at this world through."

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Nothing compares to
Life I have in You
Nothing of this world satisfies
So, I want to let go
I want to let You know
All that I have to give is Yours

Our last team that was down here was something special ...as all teams are. - But the one thing that has stood out to me - was a group discussion we had near the beginning of the trip....and one thing that one of the team members said -

"We have to walk through life holding onto what God gives us with hands open and palms up in surrender" - not his exact words... but that's the way it's stuck in my mind.

Is it possible for a mere phrase to become a constant theme in your walk with God? a question that, in everything that comes up .... you ask yourself?

Everything, for me - comes down to surrender. Not just the things I desire ... but the things He places in my life - the things I want to push away.

Now. the discovery for me - is that with surrender.... comes absolute and complete freedom - When all in your life is accepted and embraced...and then laid at His feet - you find yourself walking in His fullness - you find open channels and you hear His voice in every moment...you get the privilege of walking alongside Him - instead of forever being pulled along because you're holding back on/from Him. -

Here I am

As gold to the fire

I will surrender to Your hand

To this place

Lord, I have come ready for Your touch

It reminds me of the story of Hannah and Samuel ... there was nothing more in life that she wanted..than a child. - And what did she do when God answered her plea? ...She handed Samuel right back to God. It's the same with Abraham and Isaac ... his one and only son that he FINALLY had - God required him as a sacrifice ... and Abraham surrendered. - I want my life to speak surrender. I want every Isaac...every Samuel that He's given me - turned back around and placed at His feet. -

They were never mine to begin with.

Community

I'm a country girl by nature. I've lived out in the middle of nowhere since I was 6 years old. I've loved my open fields with the huge trees that outline them - I've loved having Pickton General as our one and only "store" - I've loved having ZERO stop lights and having long, beautiful country roads to take my babies for walks on...

- I've always loved my quiet life with my family as my closest circle of friends. It's been peaceful and I love that God placed me within that kind of life - it was a wonderful way to grow up...but there are things I missed - that I'm just now realizing.

Community - real, live community. - conversations with the same people everyday.

Antigua is tiny - probably as small as Picton....ok ...maaaaybe a tad bigger ;) - but about 20 times the amount of people. Instead of acres of open fields - the are rows and rows of houses, buildings, tiny shops ... it's like this little hideaway -

Today I took Madi's hand and we walked to a nearby tienda where our good friend ...the - tienda man (obviously, we have yet to learn his name) stood waiting. He holds out his arms and Madi runs into them - as if greeting a long, lost family member ... he and I look at each other in delight over this little brown berry who brings such joy to whomever she comes in contact with. - They had a lovely conversation about the different items in his pint-sized store, and then Madi said her typical 10 million adios's - and back down the street we went.....down to the clothing store that holds all of 20 women's blouses - as well as a tiny boy about Madi's age ....they always greet each other when we pass by - and today was no exception. There was OH so much to catch up on since yesterday!! - so naturally sit I on the side lines as the two babies squat down and chatter. Mission accomplished, Madi grabs my hand and grins up at me as if to say, "Seriously... could life get ANY better" - I can't resist...I simply MUST cover that little face in kisses - much to her annoyance - she wriggles down and plods forward ...her little rear sticking out under her mini skirt - oh such cuteness!! We walked and walked - her in search of new best friends; and me out for some milk and toilet paper ...odd combo, I know - but you need what you need, right?? Soon we come to the group of older ladies who, like every other Guatemala, have taken it upon themselves to see to it that these crazy Gringos are taking care of their children properly. - They greet me with warm smiles ...and then turn to inspect Madi's attire ....

clean diaper? - check
runny nose? no? ..good! - check
clean clothing that is warm enough (aka HOT!) - check
shoes (these are an absolute MUST people...without shoes, who knows WHAT evil infection a child might catch)? - check
hair properly combed? - check

a nod of approval in my direction? - check

I must be doing well to gain such approval! =) *smile* I love how the people in general dote on Madi - I love how they all feel responsible for her upbringing ...without being asked. - I love this part of community.

I love going to the park each day and seeing and knowing 5-10 people I know and sitting down next to them and having a conversation just because....

I love how time sloooooows down here - but also how your days are busy and full of purpose.

I love that I get to serve in a place that I love and am so much apart of. - I. am. so. RICH!

Thank you, Jesus for this season.

- btw, for all of my Spanish speaking readers =) ... be patient with my efforts to write my little Spanish words - there are REASONS that I'm planning on Spanish school ;)

I'm not a stranger. I am yours.

Tonight I met Jesus again... my "inasmuch" Jesus. - years ago I had an encounter with the Lord that was convicting and beautiful and really hard and AMAZING - it was everything. I've blogged about it many times - it was all over a blind beggar who I'm ashamed to say that I'd walked past many times - and randomly ...God stopped my in my tracks ... asking me why I was leaving Him behind ... wow - I want to cry when I think of such an act...leaving my Jesus behind.

long story short - every time I see that man ... I automatically go back to that point in time when God so heavily convicted me about my walking out the "inasmuch as you have done it to the very least of these, my brethren - you have done it unto me" - thus he's my "Jesus".

Tonight though - tonight as we were walking down the street, this look of pity came over Mel's face and she stopped mid-sentence and pointed ... there he was again trying to cross an incredibly busy section of the street. His staff stretched out before him trying to "see" with it. - Here in Guaty ...drivers stop for no one ... it's dog eat dog on the streets and you've got to be quick and wary - for one who's able bodied...it's not so much of problem - but there in the street ...no one was stopping for him - anytime he'd try to step out, they'd honk at him and he'd shrivel back. Scared. The picture of what his entire life must be like flashed before me in those few seconds ...

"I'm not a stranger"

....blindly angered by the oncoming traffic, I step out into the middle of the road and hold my hand up ....

"No I am yours"

still angry at the response of the people towards a helpless man.... I walk back to the side of the road and take his hand and arm - "you're ok now. can you walk with me?"

"A fragile flame aged is misery"

"Gracias, Senorita ... there is another street to cross beyond this one - can you help me with that one too?"

"And when our hearts meet..."

"Si, si ...esta bien, Senor ...ok -step up here..."

"I know you see"

"Ok Aqui esta. Esta bien?" - "Si, Senorita - esta bien. Muchas gracias para todo"


"I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye"

And to think ... what I would have missed had I continued to pass by Jesus...

What would I have missed had I not looked him in the eye?

conviction sets in...

Anger at the crowd? - Ingdignation on behalf of this man?

Was I myself not blind to him just a few short years ago? - Did I not walk past my Jesus many times over? .... forgive me

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

Abundance.

"The Lord makes poor and makes rich; He brings low and lifts up. He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the beggar from the ash heap to set them among princes and make them inherit the throne of glory. ...For the pillars of the earth are the Lord's and He has set the world upon them. He will guard the feet of His saints ... for by strength, no man shall prevail...but He will give strength and exalt the horn of His anointed" -1 Samuel 2:7-10

I love that no matter what - the power of God's love and wisdom and strength overcomes every.single.thing that life brings. And I love that His grace fill every moment of my life. - Over the course of my life, God has filled me with promise - "only after you cross the bridge - will it break" - "I will take the names of the Baals from your mouth and you will remember them by their name no more" - what beauty is this - He blows my mind.

My days at Hermano Pedro grow longer as it seems that there is little else in Antigua that captures my heart as much as the people I find within these walls. Tomorrow I take the older boys swimming with the therapists... I'm excited - the pool is always a delight for the kids in HP. And any crazy fun I can have with them is always a plus. - I was actually thinking today - what would it look like to take some of these kids to the zoo in Guat city...? - it might be a stretch but MAN would they have a blast. - I feel like I'm finding my niche here ...the Belin ward in the morning to help with feeding, brushing teeth, and cleaning - with my little girl's help of course - Sonia (14?) and Veronica (10) are my little buddies...eager to help at any and every turn - in fact (interesting situation) - we had a bit of an argument...well they did anyway - about just WHO would get to hold the bucket with the toothbrushes in it following behind me as I went about my job of brushing teeth - I tried to keep a straight face ....but picture two little girls tattling on each other to me (who speaks the WORST Spanish I have EVER heard) - and me responding in Spanglish ... oh it was a sad sight! Luckily we got through it ...and moved on - Veronica was promised that she could clean the brushes - and Sonia would have to settle for only getting to hold the bucket during teeth brushing time. - Oh but I love, love, LOVE my life here - I love my children. They bring me such peace. I adore walking in each morning and calling out, "Buenos Dias!!" - and hearing Veronica screeching my name in response "MARIA!!!! - do I get to help you today?!?!" - or (David (14) give me a huge grin and say "Hi. How are you" (He's incredibly proud of his English, btw) ..."fine, David - thank you, love!" *smile* do they get any cuter? - Another bright spot of every morning is Huber - that boy is pure delight. We were friends right from the start....

One thing I need - SPANISH SCHOOL!!! That's the one thing that drives me nuts - and even a taaad bit crazy (which is really the same thing - but whatever) The women I work with... I love! - they are amazing. One in particular, Christy - she's kind of become like a mother figure to me ...and despite the language barrier - we've grown to really love each other. - but the thing is ...I feel like I'm missing on amazing relationships and I hate that. So language school perhaps after the camps for the kids (sometime mid-December).

*Pictures coming soon* =) I got to climb Pacaya several days ago with my good friend Melvin who has been amazing at showing me things and places I didn't even know existed here in Antigua. Loveliness!

I miss my violin. I miss playing SO badly - it's only been a month and a half - but without it, part of me is definitely missing. - I'm so grateful for the gift of music!

More soon!