Christmas Child

For the first time I celebrate a day that has been one full of family memories - in a different country. And the two are so different ... at home by about mid-December, Daniel, Caleb, Virginia, and I would have put on our ridiculous Santa hats and pulled out - Christmas music blaring - decorations strewn everywhere .... Dan would pull my mom off her computer and into the kitchen where each brother would insist on dancing with her - and though she would protest, my mom would glow - as she always does when us older kids force her into the fun .....

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Here - about mid- December, Christmas decor goes up all over town - everyone ....everyone joins in - as it takes little to call for huge celebrations and Christmas is certainly no exception.
but here .... something else changes - I've noticed more beggars in the streets .... I walk by a man in the market that has thick, dark stripes up his arms where he's taken his pain out on himself. ...I notice a glimmer of hope in a child's eyes ....perhaps since there is something magic about this season ...people might be more generous ....maybe THIS Christmas she won't have to go hungry ... I see Hermano Pedro - the children inside, instead of being celebrated are in their beds, bars up, doors shut tight.... - I see the emptiness in eyes of the woman who has sold herself to the man leading her down the street by the arm - his eyes cold and uncaring - my God. What pain is this?

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the comparison between rich and poor takes even a deeper meaning in my heart.

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I have known pain. I have known fulfillment. I have known emptiness. I have known joy. I have known hopelessness. And I have been pursued by hope. I have felt more alone than I care to remember. I have felt surrounded by One who refused to let me go. I have looked at those around me, begging them to know without my telling them. ....I have had the hand of endless understanding and excepting love held out to me my entire life.

Sometimes I presume to know.

But in the end - I realize ....I have never known poverty. I have always, always known that Jesus Christ has carried me every second of every moment of ever day of my entire life. - I look into the eyes of those outside my door ... and realize - hope is a word that they have no idea is within reach. My thoughts go back to the woman who's eyes cried out to me as she passed - cried out for deliverance that she didn't know existed ...."I know!!!" I want to shout to her ..."you aren't alone, beloved" ....."Please, PLEASE feel pursued ....know that my Jesus is desperately after you and will not stop until you are His" ....."you aren't alone. I love you with all my heart....you are loved." - Or the man with the scars up his arms ...."My Jesus, took those stripes for you, my friend ... please let Him embrace you and take your pain as well. - and in return, except His healing." .....I want to tell him how much I love him. and I don't know why I do ....I don't even know him....but I just .... I love him. His pain grieves me.

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Sometimes I think that I have the choice to be something other that what He has created me to be.

Most times He just sits back and allows me to think it - as He prepares me for the next step of the plan. :)

I look at my life. I look at theirs. ....I get puzzled as to how I ended up where I did - and how they ended up where they did. - And now at Christmastime ... I compare my life to those outside my door. I look at my family ...who has been my refuge and strength and guide - I look at my childhood - warm and full of love.

then i look at them. ...eyes telling the history of a harsh existence - maturity at 3,4,5 years old ....that I would have just reached when I was 15, 16, 17 - a street smartness that no child ...no human should ever come to understand - and yet it is a fact of life to them.
I see one major difference in the two scenarios - I was allowed to be a child ...full of imagination and the lightness of a existence already taken care of - and for them ...such a luxury is unheard of.

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To make ourselves stop and consider what we have....the countless ways we've been privileged - isn't asking too much. Heck ...it's not enough. - It should change us .... it should turn us into the most compassionate, loving, giving humans ever to walk the earth .... it leaves me challenged to stop looking....and really see. - to stop feeling sorry ...and show compassion - to take the focus off myself ....for once - and throw myself into others endlessly.

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The Christmas Child ... of course - is Jesus. But His existence wasn't just in that manger so long ago .... the Christmas child is reborn every. single. day. - in the needs that abound around each of us, no matter where we are. - Step outside yourself .... step away from YOU - and start seeing life for what it truly is around you. - in doing that, you will find a life worthy of living.

Lead me to the Rock - for I cannot walk away.

Wow. It's incredible how hard, hard, HARD the enemy is pursuing me right now - in pretty much every aspect. One of my friends mentioned that it sounded like I'm being "hunted" when I shared all the different things going down at this point - and it's so profound ...because that's exactly what is going on. I feel like his main target ... Riiiight before I came here - God moved in a mighty way in my life ... some random guy who I'd never laid eyes on walked up to the table where my friend Abi and I were sitting in Starbucks - and laid me flat with this crazy prophesy ... I mean - like ...no way he could have known the things he was saying were EXACTLY what had taken place in my life ... things that God had begun to lay on my heart only a few short months before - the weird thing is ... I am just that much more sure it was of God - due to the way the enemy has unleashed himself upon me at every. single. turn. .....ways that I would never have thought possible. ....lol - I'm reading back over what I've written - forgive the vagueness ... I can't share everything at this point - some of you know what I refer to ... to those of you who don't - I'm sorry if I leave you confused.

I spoke to my dearest heart ...my Mel today about it all - once again I'd come juuuust to the point of giving it all up - the healing He's doing constantly, constantly ...the grief I face daily when I walk into the hospital not knowing how Alex will be doing - knowing that his end ....my God - his end is coming. ... "I'm horrified of how willing I am to walk away it all. I have fought for all of this for sooooo long. - I'm weary ...and I just can't fight anymore ....and as horribly selfish as this sounds - I can't DO this thing with Alex anymore. I can't deal with losing him ...facing him each day ... leaving him each day ... I can't carry myself right now - much less Alex and the pain of losing him ....precious, precious baby!!!" - And in her typical, beautiful, wisdom filled way - she stopped me in the street ... and said "you know ...as soon as you spoke of walking away - there was something in my spirit ...that said - "it will never happen ...for she cannot walk away from Me" - you remind me of my little Madi, Mary ... it is impossible for Madi to look up at me - and say, "Mommy ... I love you - but life with you is just too hard ... and my love isn't strong enough", - her eyes filled with tears ...."Daughter," I would say..."your love ISN'T strong enough ....but MINE is - and I refuse to let you go" ....He looks at you with such tenderness ... and says that HIS love is strong enough for the both of you ... and He will not let you go. - And as far as Alex ... Mary...you KNOW - you already know. ....You are his light right now ... you are here for him. - You can walk out of that hospital and be fed - your needs can be met ... right now you ARE the meeting of his needs - He needs you ... and that's bigger than your weakness and heartache. - And Mary ... his life is worthy of your heartbreak. ... you can't walk away."

My heart is one big ache. My strength is gone. - but my Jesus is alive... and for all that I lack - He fills to overflowing. He is my Rock ....and I cannot and will not walk away.

I love You, Father.

Alex.

The past week has been a roller coaster emotionally. Hopes rise and fall each day I got in to visit my little one. I went in the other day to find him full of smiles and bright-eyed. Called Dick up too excited to hardly even give the report...but that was yesterday - Today wasn't so good of a day. I was really frustrated with the nurses too ... when I walked in I asked, as I always do, "How is he?" ..."oh he's fine" - they told me ... "he's doing great" - but what I found for myself was a different story. - Alex was in his bed ...silently sobbing - the only sounding coming from him was his chest rattling. - "This is fine???", I addressed the head nurse - angry at their lack of care. ..."The kid is in his bed crying, having a hard time breathing, and running fever... why is he being ignored?" - She wasn't happy with me at ALL for getting on to her ... not that I could care less - she grudgingly pulled out a thermometer and took his temp - then took him out of his bed and handed him to me ... he stopped crying immediately. - she then gestured toward the rocking chair nearby and I took a seat ... and as usual began my daily routine of telling him that he's not alone, singing over him, praying over him. After about 30 minutes the nurse came up to me ..."stop rocking him. You'll make him throw up" - kind of glad that she had something to hold over my head after I'd caught them neglecting Alex ... I (sorry but you're about to see my lovely true colors) glared at her ..."now you care???" - then turned my attention fully to Alex trying hard to refrain from smacking her upside the head. - OH there are few things in this life that make me more angry than some of the things that go on in that wretched hospital. ....very, very few. - And you know...I think I could PROBABLY manage to be a bit more Christlike - if it were anyone but Alex ... hmm - nope. I think I'd react the exact same way. ...and I know that repentance and conviction is coming - it always does ...but for now - I'm too furious to listen to Him. - I know that in that place - walking in the Spirit is sooo important - you have to take into affect that when addressing the people in charge ...you're not just looking at "that moment" ...but you're entire future there. Grudges aren't easily forgiven but EASILY welcomed. I've found over and over again - I can be in AMAZING standing - but one slip...one tiny slip and I'm on the bad list. - And it's hard - because the mother bear rises up in me fiercely for these kids...all hell breaks lose if one of them is being neglected - I forget in the heat of the moment .... my actions affect the kids. - my righteous indignation that I "have a right to" - makes THEM have to sacrifice - oh to learn to walk in the Spirit faithfully ... to walk in wisdom with the *law of kindness* (love that) on my tongue. ... hmmm - *conviction is setting in*, dang it. ....maybe I shouldn't have sat down to update - then I could have gone around feeling self righteous in my flesh. - Oh I just want to scream at the unfairness of it all.... why must it be ALEX who is neglected ... WHY!!!!!! ...as they sit there on their butts cooing over the cute little clef palate babies .... Alex lays in the corner, by himself, silently sobbing .... rip my heart out by it's roots - the picture is going to be with me for a long time. Sometimes I love this country ...and sometimes it's more than I can take.

God teach me ...forgive me ...and teach me.

The brother we never brought home.

There are several people who God used to bring me back to Guatemala where a hospital full of special needs children lay waiting to be shown what incredible gifts of life they are. My mom was one of them...a tiny, quiet, fireball of a woman who's passion for special needs extended into our entire family. - Matthew (my 6 yr old brother) was another. He came to us with severe Cerebral Palsy - we met his needs ...and he filled our home with life. - Then there is Alex. Alex brought me back over and over again - opening my heart to a life rich with laughter, tears, and faith. For years I've watched Alex come in and out of struggles to survive. Always ...even at his weak points he had a sparkle...a fight - to survive. And always ... even at his worst...I knew he'd make it out alive. I've come before the throne for six years on his behalf, hardly knowing how to pray ... healing? grace? awareness of God's presence? ....strength for what was to come? I prayed as I was given knowledge. He has brought such joy in the sparkle of his eyes and that incredibly beautiful smile. - Alex and I have drawn very close over the past four months. It's been a soul connection - one that I would feel lost without. - His heart is rich with love and sensitivity - for example, on the days that he's struggling ... I come undone - and tears begin to fall .... He'll turn his tiny head - and give me a soft smile. "It's ok....please don't cry", it speaks to my heart. He comforts me in the midst of his pain. What a gentle, beautiful heart....this little gift possesses. He has walked out life with such grace and patience - such strength of character that has challenged my own immaturity.

Last Friday I drove back to Antigua from camp with Dick - we hit the hospital to drop off our kiddos. I immediately went in to check on Alex. His eyes lit up with recognition - but no smile greeted me. And something else that I noticed right away ... there wasn't that sparkle that I'd come to be desperate for. There was ... something missing. And in a split second....I recognized what it was. Alex wasn't fighting anymore. I choked back a sob....and leaned over to pick him up. "I'm here, baby", I said softly in his ear. "it's ok" I took him outside into the courtyard, sat on the cold cement floor and leaned back against a pillar to support my back as I rocked him back and forth. His body had never felt so tiny ... and I had never felt so desperate. "Alex," I pleaded.."please. don't give up. fight!" - He looked so tired ... so very tired. "I can't let you go" ... he looked up at me ...in silent understanding. ....then this weird wave came over me ... the God's presence was all around the two of us with such comforting warmth - a knowing and participating in the sorrow that was tearing at my heart. "It's alright, daughter", He spoke to me ...."it's time to let him go. Give him to Me. ....you can let him go." - I began to weep. I wept because I knew ... I knew before I even saw him. It's time. And the grace I felt to release him ...was unwelcome. I'm not ready to feel that grace. I'm not ready to let him go. What will my life be without him? - and in that moment ...as he has so often done before...Alex looked up at me and gave the most precious little smile - "It's ok", he said with his eyes. ...."it's ok"

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I walked out of the hospital that day feeling that grace-filled loss that only God can give. He too....has wept for Alex.

Today I came back to the hospital to check in on him....only to discover that he wasn't in his bed. I panicked ....I hadn't gotten to say goodbye. - But no...he's not gone. One of the nurses informed me that he'd been put in Malnutrition - I swallowed an angry response ... Ok - so the kid has to be dying before you people will put him in the Malnutrition ward ... I see how it goes now. - Not five minutes later I was by his crib. He was so pale. So week. Once again...I cried. I picked him up and sat down in one of the rocking chairs ...and began to rock him singing softly to him.

"Where can I go from Your Spirit/Where can I flee from Your presence/If I ascend into heaven You are there/If I make my bed in hell behold You are there/ If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea/ even there Your hand shall lead me and Your right hand shall hold me"

I realized that he was having a really hard time breathing so I placed him back in his crib where he was elevated properly ... and then began to talk to him. I don't know why ....but I began to tell him about my family. I didn't have the words in spanish so I just went off in English. I told him about Sammy - his strength. his pride :) his heart for understanding and his determination to know truth. I told him about Anna ...who walks through life with flawless grace - everything coming easy to her....and her being completely unaware of how beautiful in every way that she is. I spoke of Claire and her strength ...and how excited I was to see her grow into a woman of God. I told him of Abby ... and how, when my dad laid eyes on that first referral picture ...portraying such a little grieving face - He said with determination, "Her name will be Abigail Joy. Because God is going to bring joy out in her" - and so she is....such joy to all who know her."

....even as I started speaking ... he put his little head next to mine...listening intently to everything I was saying....

"And you, Alex", I said to him

..."you are the brother we never got to bring home."

I wonder. What would his life have been like had he been in our family? He and Samuel would have been very close. He would have loved the days of therapy that involve fun therapist with constant smiles, playgrounds, happy meals, and a day out with Mom. My mom would have poured her life into him ... making him the center of her world - beaming with pride when out in public with him. My sisters and I would have spoiled him rotten and my brothers would wrestle with him... bringing out the laughter that I've heard so few times. - I don't grieve that he was born ... I grieve about where he was born ... where he's lived his life. What I would give to steal him away ...showing him the joy of a family.

I don't know God's timing. I don't know what exactly He has in mind as far as how much longer our little Alex has to live. But I do know that His grace in Alex's life ... is strong. I know that since the beginning of his life, He cradled him in His arms. I know that Alex's life is the most beautiful one I know. .... and I know that when the time comes - Alex will be in a place where he will no longer be prohibited by a body that refuses to function ... but he will dance and sing before his Creator. ... and there is no better place for him - than in the arms of my Jesus.

I'm not ready for the grace to let go. I'm not ready to be left behind. I'm not ready to be without him. ... but once again - am ready ...to fall on Him - it's all I've got left - and in the midst of this desperateness .... I trust. I love this Author of Life that I serve.

Purpose.

What is the purpose for living? What is my purpose here on earth? At the age of eleven I started looking to Africa for that purpose ...as God planted a tiny seed that was soon a huge burden that consumed my heart - I knew what I was here to do. I was to move to Africa to live and to be among my people. So I poured myself into it with a passion. All things Africa. Anything that wasn't Africa...simply wasn't for me. It took years for God to finally get it through my head that Africa was quickly overtaking HIS place in my heart. - no matter how noble the cause. No matter how worthy the role .... there should be no idol before Him. So I literally went through a period of God prying my fingers loose of the thing I'd come to love and cry out for so very much - and once it was gone ... once I'd really laid it down - I recognized that it had indeed taken up a huge portion of my heart. So I did my best to lay it down. Then God tackled another something =) Long ago, I'd told Him I would do ANYTHING ....anything except work with special-needs....dang it - big time bad. Never tell God what you will or will not do....or was that just ME that didn't know that? - Anyway 6 years ago I first set foot in Hermano Pedro Hospital in Antigua, Guatemala. My initial responses were not that of God's heart .... I know. - but because God is full of grace and faithfulness - AND because He's way more stubborn than I am - He continually required me returning ....over. and over. and over again. - the process was hard and life changing and impossible and beautiful and I stand on the other end - enriched because of the people who have entered my life - people who I no longer look at ....but people who I actually *see* ....who are some of the dearest friends that I could ever ask for. Richness. - This too, I developed a passion for ...one that consumed me. And again...I just knew that I'd found my purpose. And again...over the course of the past few weeks - He, once again has shown me that the special needs of Guatemala is NOT

my purpose....shocked? - Oddly. I wasn't at all. My vision has completely changed. I look at my life through completely different eyes these days. I realize that as I've grown....as I've been through the storms of life ...when I all I could see is Him... when the only thing that was solid...was Him - and as I've been walking this past particular storm through ....with Him, as always and forever- by my side ....it was interesting to discover ...that the purpose was no longer in the people or the place or the action .... but only in finding out where He was ...and not resting until I was there with Him. I have discovered that He is the purpose .... everything else simply - the place where I happened to be that His words over my life transformed me - or the people that I happened to be with ...as His truth reached over and pulled me out of the fortress I'd built around myself .... or- the actions that I was doing - as a child of Christ merely living out what every child of Christ is meant to live out - richness. serving. loving.living.discovering. - I've found that the people and places that we find ourselves in/with - are simply added richness to the already overflowing lives we are privileged to live. The people and places are witnesses to the God in my life ...as I am witness to the God in them. - but neither are the purpose. Our purpose it to pursue...and be pursued by Jesus Christ. The where, when, what, and who ... those are just ...details. I no longer look up and see Africa....or Guatemala ... or people....or time.... I see the Lord. Like ...for the first time - it's just Him. ....sure there are the desires and dreams and hopes and passions ....I believe those gifts from Him. But no longer will they take place over Him - I have found my purpose. And the beauty of it all ...as that he's so good not to rip away our desires and hopes when we turn our gaze aside or get distracted - no. He simply calls out to us - "Child....I'm here."...and then so gently and beautifully aligns our hearts with His .... the nations, the orphans, the emptied, the hungry .... lives. His heart is for lives....and when He is the purpose - than a life of ministry just falls in step with that. It's just the way it goes. That's just the way He is.

HE. is purpose. Everything else. is detail.

The last week of camp was a beautiful one for me. For a long time I've been working to show the handicapped that they are capable ....and that week I forgot that they had any incapability's. I got so wrapped up in just hanging out and building relationships - that for the first time ever, I didn't see the wheelchairs - I saw my friends. The people who trickled out of the dorms with quilts, coffee, and cookies - and sat outside in the freezing cold with me as we talked of a great many things - life as a handicapped in Guatemala - life as an American in Guatemala - Spanish - English - stories - lives - ....we covered everything. - One of my favorite examples of the friendships I was able to build - was that last night ...when all of the 180+ campers were in chapel for the last by shindig .... Gustavo came up to me ..."come on - we're going to place basketball - you're coming with us" - ..."um ...no I'm not - seriously, dude ...I don't do the whole sports scene" - "yes you are ...or I'm not talking to you anymore" (heaven forbid - he KNEW he had me wrapped around his finger, darnit!!) - "FINE ...I'll come. But I'm not playing" - "Yeah ...you are playing" - "nope." - "yes" ......Yes - I played. And hard (I'm not half bad, actually ...basketball of all things! - so does not fit the bill of a classical violinist!) - we played for 3 hours straight ...just me and the guys - oh how we laughed - they were great teachers ...fun, insistent, patient - they had it all going on. Afterwards, out of breath an exhausted, we just chilled for about 45 minutes ...a bit of small talk here and there - but really just taking in the FUN of each other. Seriously must be my favorite night EVER in Guatemala. ....the weird thing is the whole looking past the wheelchairs took place as soon as my focus on purpose went from people and places ...to the Lord. - I also realize that words like "ministry" ..."worship" ... "mission field" .... and "callings" ...are all little labeled boxes that we place what we place what we think are the definitions in ...pulling them out to look at them - perhaps walk in them a bit ....apply them to the parts of our lives that we think match up - when REALLY .... those labels are a ridiculous waste of time...if our focus is off ourselves ...really, really, REALLY off ourselves - and fully on Christ - those things fall into place easily. The life that we so spend time focusing on ...trying to figure out just how we fit in - is so much simpler than we allow it to be. ....this God, so incredibly complex and intricate ....is the most simple and beautiful to serve - more so than I feel like we can possibly grasp. Let go of labels, rabbit trails, and the search for purpose and meaning - and look to the Purpose and Meaning - and all and all questions you thought you had about what life holds for you - will fade in the midst of a life well lived.

I'm so grateful for flaws and flesh....I love how they bring Jesus closer every single time without fail. I'm so blessed that I can point to the hardest things that I've had in my life ....and say "THAT is how I know the God whom I serve". I can't wait to see Him face to face.