Since my last post, much has taken place. – much. Part of that ‘much’ being that I’ve given my place as a teacher at the Scheel Center to two other women – and have returned to my place in the hospital. – I have been made aware of how little time I’ve spent at the hospital … the same place that was my focus for being here in the first place – in my efforts to be the best teacher I possibly could be, I was quickly pulled entirely away from my children at the hospital. – and, as ashamed as I am to admit it … I was ok with it. After my little Alex nearly lost his life due to the care in the hospital … that was it – I couldn’t take it anymore (crazy … how that entire decision was self-centered) – But first it was Alex … and then shortly after Chochi passed away – it was crazy that kind of loss ….so completely and utterly out of my hands – there was not one thing that I could do or say or prevent – it simply …was.
And so I dove headfirst into teaching. – I found purpose there. I found a lot of learning there. – but God’s anointing was lacking…His blessing was over my teaching …simply because He is in any part of our serving others. … but it wasn’t the same as it was when I was working at Hermano Pedro. – There are two place in my life …where God and I absolutely meet – one is when I’m playing the violin – the other is in Hermano Pedro … one I absolutely love – the other is a battle to continue because to love in Hermano Pedro is to constantly place your heart on the line…having no control over what takes place. It’s funny … someone told me that I was taking the easier road pulling away from teaching and going back to Hermano Pedro – but no … I took the easy road when I LEFT my children at Hermano Pedro. – in teaching …there is no risk – in Hermano Pedro …there is absolute and pure joy …but also daily heartbreak. That hospital is just about the only place where there is no focus on “me” whatsoever – I leave my flesh at the door and enter to face a reality of lives who have known nothing outside the compounds of the wards in which they live.
Something that I discover more for myself everyday … is that a life lived for “self” – couldn’t possibly be more empty. It is a pleasure that is only momentary leaving you wanting for more. … there is so much about this life that I remain clueless in … seeking and searching out truth, - but there are things that have stood the test of my entire life –
::Pouring into other’s lives … is a rarity … a beauty that is not often enough lived. I want to learn to walk in this way of life without even thinking – as a reflux.. I am eternally far from that as I stumble through this life so very selfishly - but it is my desire … because I have experienced a life lived for others during different seasons in my life - and there is simply nothing richer.
:: There is so much about Christianity and the church … that I simply do not get – I’ve never been remotely theologically minded so much escapes me … but this I do know – Jesus Christ is the love of my life…I don’t, for the life of me – understand Him J - but I love Him. I want His truth untainted by humanity …perhaps that’s presumptuous – perhaps I won’t know or understand until I get to heaven … but I want my journey here to be always, always towards that truth….towards His heart for the lives He’s created. – How beautiful His heart must be. … how I long to see it fully.
O to grace how great a debtor
daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love;
here's my heart, O take and seal it,
seal it for thy courts above.
