Nothing I say here is worthy .... worthy of the depths of life our little Alex lived; worthy of the gap that now exists in the hearts of countless; worthy of the change he brought with every struggling breath his tiny body drew.... sometimes I hate words.
So much emotion washed over me when I received Dick Rutgers newsletter a few short days ago - I saw the subject line ... "Alex" ... and immediately started crying. I knew my precious brother had gone to meet his Jesus. I called my mom first, then my sister, Virginia - one by one "Goodbye, Alex" showed up on each of my siblings facebook pages - all of us had been waiting ...day by day - ever since we received news that he was fading .... there was talk of being angry that his life had been so painful - and talk about the fact that he was probably one of the most loved individuals on earth - talk about his smile - and talk about the thousands of ways he had broken our lives into tiny pieces ....bringing us far from the comfortable, boxed in life that we'd known for so long.
it's a confusing kind of grief ... trying to figure out how to celebrate his life; a life that seemed to benefit everyone ...accept Alex. - I don't know how to face this grief. I know I loved him ... and that he loved me. I know that he was the most beautiful person I've ever known. I know that my time in Guatemala made sense ...when I was holding Alex ... when my life and world was caving in all around me, when the voices of my Baals, and my Egypt called my name - Alex could bring me back into the presence of the God I'd lost - There ... in that hospital surrounded by the horrible, familiar smell of unwashed bodies .... the mixed noises of children crying and laughing and talking amongst themselves ... the goings and comings of the volunteers that drifted in and out of the children's lives - leaving behind, in four walls.... an entire world of desperate need....
it was IN that world - behind those four walls - with Alex or my precious Lionel ... that I found purpose and a reason to wake up the next day.
I remember watching my friend, Dick walk into the hospital on many occasions - shoulders slumped in exhaustion ... I'd look on as he would walk to Alex's crib - and swoop him up in his arms .... treating him not like a victim of need and pain ...but with the dignity of a friend and son ....and they would sit easily with each other for hours at a time - drawing strength from the enormous amount of love each of them had to offer. Dick would always leave refreshed and energized ....ready to face the love for Guatemala God had so heavily laid on his heart. It was my favorite part of that hospital - watching that relationship between two people who had taught me so much about what the meaning of life really is.
I won't allow Alex's life to be a defeat ...I will rejoice that he is home ...face to face with the Jesus I long for and am homesick for on a daily basis - free from the twisted body I loved so much - I'll mourn his absence in my life - and I'll never forget or leave behind the brokenness his presence in my life brought me.
Alex's legacy is one of passion, grace, humility, purpose, and salvation. .... he turned me away from my ever-present and selfish self - to face the Master of redemption. - He introduced me to my Jesus.
I will not forget.
I love you, little brother. Thank you for all that you taught me. Thank you for being used ... thank you for the joy you allowed to rule your life. ... thank you for being my friend. I'll see you soon.
