You gave me a fire ~ I want to feel and embrace life and to give life as though it were not my own

eyes of longing

2011-03-15T08:27:00.002-07:00

I find myself surrounded by a million different lifestyles and personalities ... extreme worlds, cultures, and ways of being and ways of understanding life and faith and God and each other. My world involves the quiet of home ... the rest/chill of coffee houses....the coming together of perfectionist musicians .....the art of dance among cultures not my own - but with whom I've fallen in love.

But more then what is written above .... I find myself surrounded by longing. The more conversations I have with the people in my world ... the more I see how much people in this world are dying to be seen...heard .... known ...acknowledged as someone of worth. Just in the last week, I've had conversations with people in gas stations ... in the places where I go to dance....my work place ...the mall - I find myself caught up in conversations extraordinary ....stories of special needs siblings who recently died - or a new mother...who's just a child herself ... or the man who's lost his closest friend and brother .... the stories are unbelievably endless...

There is more life outside our own that deserves recognition and honor. The greatest joy ....is to see eyes light up when you take notice of a tiny detail. When you acknowledge the worth of another's journey. In a place so overrun by humanity .... there is a shocking amount of isolation. What a waste of life. What a waste of heart space and emotion and passion and love.

A world that only involves caring about one's self - is a world that takes up too much room.

true living .... is to love - to sacrifice self ...and to take notice of the people God has placed just within our reach. .....I don't want to die a waste of life and space - I want to leave my mark ... HIS mark on all I come in contact with.

We were created to live extraordinarily .... what loss if we don't dance in it.

:girlhood:

2011-01-06T14:54:00.001-08:00

:::~:::

. a tiny, dark-headed girl, in pigtails and red ribbons. .her feet sandaled in white, and her shoulders kissed in countless spots by the sun above…she is Childhood. Crouching down over a tiny, crippled ladybug scarcely as big as the girl’s fingernail, she takes in the bug’s predicament.- crippled, and still fighting as ants move in to take down one who is weak - . Angered at the dangers in the wild that threaten the tiny being’s life - she is filled with a sudden determined protectiveness. she gently picks it up and carries it to the back porch of her farmhouse home There, she speaks to it as though to a baby entrusted to her - “don’t worry. I’ll keep you safe”

.she bends over her homemade easel …face splattered with blues, browns, greens, and grays -causing the alarmingly blue eyes to stand out more than usual. - lips pursed in concentration, she pushes aside her long, black curls - frustrated forever by the unruliness of them. Under her brush, a creation comes to life … she is Artistry. From the pictures dancing like friends through the imagination of her mind, beauty flows and finds its way onto the frame before her. As strokes turn to shapes, and shapes distinguish themselves as cities and mountains and people and life itself - and as God’s pleasure in imagination and creativity is made evident. - she wraps herself in His presence and His dreams and, for now at least, nothing else exists.

.mama needed her. In that moment nothing else matters. At ten years old she already carries the weightiness of seeing the world and the people in it through old eyes. She carries like a close companion, words of counsel and wisdom and grace. She unknowingly holds the understanding that she is the resting place for those who have none….she is Refuge. Her heart yields, in unending supply, sacrifice, hope, tireless loyalty, faith, and profound love. She sees need before it arises and responds without thinking. She embraces serving with ease and dances in the humility of remaining unseen. She is overworked but irreplaceable, inexperienced but foundational, partly daughter, - always the companion. Never seeming to grow because she was somehow born knowing what it meant to carry the strength of womanhood. Time in her presence is precious and deep and all who know her know peace and safety.

.on a day in summertime, after the fierce storming of spring has passed, she finds herself in a field of daises. Thousands of vibrant masterpieces stretch out before her beckoning her celebration…. So she dances. .she sways. .she marches. .she runs….she sings and laughs and delights in the moment. She stretches towards the sun soaking into her soul, it’s warmth. .she is Beloved. Embraced by understanding …. Pursued by grace ….wooed by wisdom …..captured by love - daughter of the Father’s heart. She calls upon music to express the dream of art planted within her. She observes life through eyes of light, taking in all that remains unseen to others; her feet take her to places darkness calls home and she sings out hope where there seems to be none. Over her, the Father has wept and laughed and protected and fought ….and over her - the Father expresses a fierce delight in the knowledge that this daughter dances in the definition of salvation.

.she has known the deepest of darkness and the purest of light. She has known what it is to walk both with salvation and death, embracing them both as companions. She is dark. She is light. She has danced and she has died. She has loved while refusing to be loved and embraced while being angered at even the slightest touch. She is an absurd mixture of everything and nothing. She has lived all of life and yet she is only a little girl. She is His Daughter. ….and that is all they both know. And that is all that matters. To her, there is only one truth and one life and one way of being ….and that is to dwell in the safest of safes …the depths of the deep, tucked away from all that would destroy her reason to live. And in that place she learns not only to find refuge in light - but to take light with her into a confused, scared world who, at the end of the day - carries just as much pain as she. And so pain beckons … and she moves response and resolve to share her discovery of not only a Savior …but a Father and soul mate who’s sole desire is to heal.

… we are delicate … we are passionate… we are strong ….we are dreamers, creators, restorers, hopers, feelers … we are forever on a search for intimacy and acceptance and refuge - only to discover it has been within us since the beginning. We shatter easily but never completely. We search for solidity - yet our purpose for existing is to be foundational for those we journey with. Life will forever be brilliantly mixed and sorted and confusing and raw - but it is the life that we know and the story that we will live out in aspired grace and dignity

And so before an audience of One, each precious picture of girlhood unfolds into unique forms of strength and possibility. Each posses a dream inspired by a most creative Father. Each holds a place of refuge and understanding to another who has known darkness. And each is the story salvation manifested into womanhood

…. And so Life begins

Goodbye, little brother.

2010-12-19T20:10:00.000-08:00

Nothing I say here is worthy .... worthy of the depths of life our little Alex lived; worthy of the gap that now exists in the hearts of countless; worthy of the change he brought with every struggling breath his tiny body drew.... sometimes I hate words.

So much emotion washed over me when I received Dick Rutgers newsletter a few short days ago - I saw the subject line ... "Alex" ... and immediately started crying. I knew my precious brother had gone to meet his Jesus. I called my mom first, then my sister, Virginia - one by one "Goodbye, Alex" showed up on each of my siblings facebook pages - all of us had been waiting ...day by day - ever since we received news that he was fading .... there was talk of being angry that his life had been so painful - and talk about the fact that he was probably one of the most loved individuals on earth - talk about his smile - and talk about the thousands of ways he had broken our lives into tiny pieces ....bringing us far from the comfortable, boxed in life that we'd known for so long.

it's a confusing kind of grief ... trying to figure out how to celebrate his life; a life that seemed to benefit everyone ...accept Alex. - I don't know how to face this grief. I know I loved him ... and that he loved me. I know that he was the most beautiful person I've ever known. I know that my time in Guatemala made sense ...when I was holding Alex ... when my life and world was caving in all around me, when the voices of my Baals, and my Egypt called my name - Alex could bring me back into the presence of the God I'd lost - There ... in that hospital surrounded by the horrible, familiar smell of unwashed bodies .... the mixed noises of children crying and laughing and talking amongst themselves ... the goings and comings of the volunteers that drifted in and out of the children's lives - leaving behind, in four walls.... an entire world of desperate need....

it was IN that world - behind those four walls - with Alex or my precious Lionel ... that I found purpose and a reason to wake up the next day.

I remember watching my friend, Dick walk into the hospital on many occasions - shoulders slumped in exhaustion ... I'd look on as he would walk to Alex's crib - and swoop him up in his arms .... treating him not like a victim of need and pain ...but with the dignity of a friend and son ....and they would sit easily with each other for hours at a time - drawing strength from the enormous amount of love each of them had to offer. Dick would always leave refreshed and energized ....ready to face the love for Guatemala God had so heavily laid on his heart. It was my favorite part of that hospital - watching that relationship between two people who had taught me so much about what the meaning of life really is.

I won't allow Alex's life to be a defeat ...I will rejoice that he is home ...face to face with the Jesus I long for and am homesick for on a daily basis - free from the twisted body I loved so much - I'll mourn his absence in my life - and I'll never forget or leave behind the brokenness his presence in my life brought me.

Alex's legacy is one of passion, grace, humility, purpose, and salvation. .... he turned me away from my ever-present and selfish self - to face the Master of redemption. - He introduced me to my Jesus.

I will not forget.

I love you, little brother. Thank you for all that you taught me. Thank you for being used ... thank you for the joy you allowed to rule your life. ... thank you for being my friend. I'll see you soon.

lives that speak names.

2010-02-03T13:21:00.000-08:00

Her name is Content.

She stepped out of her shiny, pricey car... in gorgeous name-brand boots and fur coat.In her late 40's ...she had beautiful streaks of gray throughout her black hair. I see her for a split second. And as I take her in, my eyes flit quickly over the surfaced things - but I stopped - compelled to linger for a moment on her face...there is a journey there. There is a look of weathered storm about her. And an aging only the knowledge of true life can bring. There is a strength and ease about her...and in the moment that our eyes met ... I was calmed. Her eyes carried the presence of Grace. And she was there... fully in the moment... the past...the present...the future... all apart of the now. Her essence embracing all of life in a way that inspired me. She is captivating. She is lovely. She is content. ....inspiration.

::~::

His name is Wisdom.

He stands at the door of Wal-Mart greeting the customers as they come and go throughout the day. The first thing I noticed about him was that he wasn't the typical personality that has that particular job. Sober and seeking, he looks as though he is on a mission - searching for something ... someone. And in the rare occasions that he'll make eye contact with me, he looks at me...and sees me. He'll greet me with a smile that extends to the quietness of his eyes....recognizing ...acknowledging the presence of my life. He isn't necessarily strong in appearance. He doesn't demand attention. But there is wise strength about him...a calm. He feels no need to stand out - he seems content merely to observe the lives that pass by him day after day ... taking them in as if wanting to be affected by each.

::~::

Her name is Abundance.

She is an array of color. She is bold. She is timid. She longs to be known. She walks through life taking in stride all that it has dealt her both beautiful and harsh. She loves deeply, fights desperately, and dances continually. Her eyes carry depth and she is wealthy in understanding that is rare for one so young. She seeks with a vengeance truth and wholeness. She explodes in to the vivid beauty of womanhood while celebrating every part of her girlhood. Her spirit captures my attention and I am continually inspired by the abundance of life I find in her. His light is often a painful embrace that she receives with open arms knowing that in light....there is much longed for safety. She is my strength, and I, her foundation. There is little else that leaves me feeling so privileged as I do on this journey with her.

::~::

Her name is Bold.

She approaches with honesty, unafraid and searching for truth. She questions. She seeks. She weighs and measures carefully before accepting. She speaks of her faith to those who are fearful with a childlike understanding of the thrown and grace offered there. She loves and gives of her presence without expecting anything in return. She is caught in between the two worlds of childhood and adulthood and accepts it, unconcerned by the weightiness of the season. She invites all to journey with her, seemingly blind to differences in walks. She leaves me challenged. She leaves me with the desire for that same humble boldness. He must take such pleasure at the sight of her.

Every life speaks a name to me. From each there is beauty to be taken in, pain to be journeyed with, understanding to discover, intricacy to dance in, and a soul to be sought after.

His creation is exquisite....

a glass of water.

2010-01-21T21:57:00.000-08:00

I know my life is messy... because my room looks like a tornado went off in it.

.allow me to explain.

Although to some, I might come off as "chill" ... I am, in fact, extreme and intense in all my ways. I do nothing, feel nothing, and AM nothing ...halfway. This is mostly just exhausting. But it's also a wonderful thing because I can look at just one tiny, seemingly insignificant part of my life - and can tell exactly what place I'm in whether healthy or unhealthy.

::example::

Just 3 months ago I was in the Word and with the Lord each day, running 5-6 miles each day, living off of a balanced diet (no fast foods whatsoever), I was inspired to write like crazy, time spent with friends was constructive, meaningful, and challenging because I wasn't WITH them 24/7 - making the time that we did spend together more worthwhile, my car and apartment were delightedly and perfectly organized and clean.

...my life was a welcome home. - and- ::my room was clean::

But the past 3 months, I've allowed my priorities to slip sadly. It's a crazy circle ... it starts with my room... then works it's way throughout the rest of my life. I stopped running. Taco Bell has become my best friend. Monster drinks are my constant companions. I drift from one huge crowd to another - never really connecting with anyone. My time is so full of constant nothings that by the time I'm alone ... I'm too exhausted to do anything but fall into a fitful sleep. And my Lord becomes someone I miss.

My spirit hasn't been at rest. I've felt the loneliness of reaching out to people with whom I will never truly connect. And the needless efforts of connecting with needless relationships causes me to neglect the pursuit of the women in my life whom I truly value. My body is out of shape and sickly. My sleep is almost non existent. ::but most of all... my heart aches for the fresh and daily presence of my Jesus - something I find only in a constant pursuit of Him.

::Discovery:: in my trying to befriend those who I know will not be beneficial to my walk with the Lord, I've also...somewhere along the line - taken on the distorted world of people pleasing. Lowering myself to do or say anything in order to be accepted..leaving the honesty of who Christ created me to be...continuing and continuing towards the hope of acceptance in places that I do not respect.

...really? that's just ridiculous.

That tells me that my foundation isn't sure. It tells me that what should be the solidity of the Lord through my entirety ... is sadly lacking. I have never been afraid to be who I am...for better or worse, I am out loud with my life. I've craved the beauty of REAL...fought (and am fighting) a bloody war for the priceless truth only God can offer...journeyed always in the realization that because of His matchless, artistic mind - I am a woman.... made unique and intricate ...beautifully woven into a masterpiece of grace.

I'd forgotten. In this American living. I'd forgotten.

Tonight I cleaned my room. I threw away the last can of DP .... and I poured myself a glass of water. I'll spend the next little while going over my life with a fine tooth comb - physical, emotional, spiritual.... and prioritize.

I am hungry for a life at home with myself and the consistency of His beauty. Hungry to be caught up in true Life. Ready to at last ...rest. Excited for relationships that will push me further into His arms. I am in love with my journey. In love with the One who lines my path with continual growth and such patience. To know Him thrills me.

.written upon my heart.

2010-01-13T07:31:00.001-08:00

*click here to listen*

So faithful….

Father, I see You everywhere. In every aspect of my life ….faithful. It’s the continual strand throughout my life that never changes, no matter the circumstance … no matter the path I choose to walk….You are … faithful.

So constant…..

I cannot go one day, Lord - without being pursued by Your fierce love. I am constantly overcome. … Lord, I don’t understand your lack of weariness throughout my life - in the most beautiful times of my life…you danced with me. - and in the midst of my own hell … you followed, and surrounded my all. “even here, I am with you” …those were YOUR words, my beautiful Jesus.

So loving and so true

So powerful in all you do

You fill me….

Lord, I cannot escape the beauty of who You are in me. Your desperate compassion, mercy, understanding, grace … all so evident throughout my life bring me to my face. humbled. Your imagination so alive within me fills me with your joy … and the essence of your tenderness consumes me almost painfully …sometimes, Lord…I confess … it is too strong …sometimes I feel as though I have to turn away because the persistent brilliance of this tenderness is just too much for this daughter grasp.

You see me….

I can’t outrun you. I can’t hide myself far enough within the walls of my soul to escape the Life you refuse to cease offering. I can’t confuse myself enough….can’t listen to the lies enough…can’t drown myself in confusion enough….to get away from you. You continue…and continue …and continue…to see me. Every outlet of my soul, is in full view of your grace, forgiveness, and restoring love.

:::You know my every move:::You love for me to sing to you:::

I know that you are for me….I know that you are for me….I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness ::: Father, your constant is fearful to me. I don’t understand…can’t comprehend … can’t grasp even the idea of the fullness of your love. Why? …you should have let me go long ago… and yet never for a second could I escape you. My heart longs for you because of this, Jesus.

I know that you have come down ::: Even if to write upon my heart

To remind me who you are

Lord, inscribed upon my heart…this the very definition of who You are. I am known by You … and so carefully…because you are fearful to behold in all your beauty … You…are known by me….and yet I know that I cannot even begin to take hold of even the fullness of your name. - you are fiercely loved by the daughter whom you have named, Eternal. …

Please. Never. Stop. …I love you. I need you. Every aspect of who I am … stands before you, Jesus Christ…Savior … as a desperate, needy daughter who cannot get enough.

I’m messy … I’m passionately ridiculous and flighty… I make all the wrong moves and say the sillies of things and have the most ridiculous of notions … but I love your truth. I have known your grace … and because of your promises….I am defined by your love.

You are written upon the depths of who I am…and I love you.

....beautiful Father.

"tis the season"

2009-12-02T19:22:00.000-08:00

.christmas.

.it comes rolling around year after year with it's cinnamony warmth and crisp, pepperminty weather. Surrounding it are emotions that seem to flood us by the dozen as we look forward, reflect back, and take in the beauty of the season that has, once again arrived to embrace us in it's warmth.

:::::::::::

For me, Christmas this year is pure fun. Why? ...

it's quite simple, actually. I'm surrounded by children. My life right now is full of children. There's the

twins ... two little chipmunks who throw up and scream at me 3/4 of the time... knowing that at the end of the day - all it takes is a grin and giggle and they are forgiven. Or better still ... walking in and seeing them sleeping (finally) like darling little vanilla angels ..

.curled up against the side of their cribs, each of them with their arms wrapped tight around their green and blue stuffed moose. "oh my littles ... how I adore you",

::that said ...they really do need to be spanked soundly and put to bed ...little boys who take full advantage of the cuteness factor are rather wretched, in my opinion. You're stuck adoring their every move no matter HOW naughty they've been all day ... what's a nanny to do but love them to pieces? Bridger with his little giggle during pat-a-cake. or Knox with his begrudging grin and sing-song voice when I talk to him. Knox is a budding musician ....and Bridger a hunter like his daddy. Both are personality plus and I adore them for it :::

::Alyssa::

This little one is my spunky, spirited, tomboy of an absolute princess. She's complex and intricate. She's simple and basic. She's all girl and yet not at all. She's brilliant and vibrant. She's curious and competitive. She is beauty and grace and life all rolled up into a little blond angel. She greets me at the door each morning with the day all planned out for us :: "Nanny, can we go to the science place behind the library?" *insert deeeeep breathe here* Look, Nanny...LOOK. We have our Christmas tree up. I like it, don't you, hmmmm, Nanny? Nanny (in a commanding voice as only Alyssa can muster) Come see little brother!! He missed you! ...but he loves me best (looking at me sideways in warning ...and pity. Big sisters,

after all DO take place over everyone else in "Little brother's" mind:) :::WHICH brings me to "Little brother":::

Cole sits back and watches life go by with a grin on his face. He scrunches up his nose as Alyssa administers numerous kisses from head..........to toe; then a smile lights up his precious little face when she speaks to him. Surely...surely no other little boy's big sister could possibly top HIS! He blows bubbles at me during bath time and sings a little birdie song as I prepare lunch. He nestles his head into my chest as he drifts off to a cozy baby sleep. What a treasure. I tuck him into his swing and watch him for a moment...so peaceful, so quiet...everything dims to a whisper.....

"NANNY!!!!" ... annnnd the whisper is over!! "Let's make puppets! Let's go to the library! Let's go see my friend Cadence...HER nanny is nice, you'll like her. I promise!!"

Grinning, I swoop her up into my arms and give her a hundred kisses. And we head out ...to greet whatever life adventure is in store for the little girl and her nanny.

I take joy and absolute pride in my children. I love their strengths....work through their weaknesses....celebrate their personalities....and take pride in who they are becoming. I am privileged ... so privileged to be apart of their lives.

Christmas is here. and so is the innocence who knows best how to celebrate it. No wonder God loves children so incredibly deeply. They are celebration of all His creation.

.a full life within an evening.

2009-11-30T10:56:00.000-08:00

In my family. Thanksgiving is one of the most looked forward to holidays of the year. We celebrate big, loud, dramatic, and together with all of our hearts. Differences are set aside...drama is laughed at...and love for each other is fiercely celebrated. This year was different in that most of the older kids have all moved off and have started lives elsewhere. But when we gather ...it's as if we've never been apart. There is still that incredibly weird Scottness that only "we" get ....there's still that one dramatic time of panic where my mom just KNOWS that things are falling apart and we aren't going to make it (!!!)... and there's still that quiet understanding between us girls ... work a little harder, breathe a little deeper, ...resting in the fact that it always, always strangely comes together in the end. ::like clockwork::

And like clockwork, the dynamics are always the same. Our boys arrive loud, crazy, and adorable. Somehow they always manage to get in the way in all their efforts to help us out. And despite our frustration at their antics amidst pre-Thanksgiving preparations ... we continually find ourselves laughing....and laughing....and laughing.

Everyone talks at once. Everyone has the most important news EVER to share with the rest of the family. And everyone, no matter if it's only been minutes... acts as if it's been years since the last time we were together. So many shades of ridiculous. So many things I love.

Nieces and nephews that are endlessly and increasingly adorable. Each of the aunts and uncles POSITIVE that the newest baby has THEIR looks :) ....but let's just face it. Simeon so totally is my child....can't argue with the obvious!

But there are things that I miss ... people that we all miss. And things to look forward to being thankful for :) Like a girl closest to my heart being home with her family...the family that welcomed me into their home and honeymoon :) ... serving as shelter and guide through some of the roughest times of my life. The Scotts aren't the Scotts without our Mel and her Scott and little Davis darlings. I miss delving into details of our family time together while cleaning the kitchen with Mel .... or finding her and Mama on the bed in my parent's bedroom talking, talking, about this, that, and everything in between. I miss Cadon in all of my doting on Simeon. I miss embarrassing Scott with my huge hugs and dramatic, shocking statements....just to see his reaction (yes...I know I'm awful :) I miss his stability and wisdom and constant kindness and depth. I miss seeing him interact with the rest of the Scott boys ... I miss having two sets of grandbabies instead of just one. I miss the memory of being the aunt of my Mel's children in their Grandmommy's house. ".... Lord, please move as I know only You can. Bring our Mel and her little family home to her Scotts. "

I miss it....and love it already. What dear things we all look forward to.

I think, more than anything this year, I look at my family and see how much grace God has poured out on us. We've stumbled through so much ...and always ...through everything ...the Lord has granted relationship and grace ...such depth. We are so blessed!!

As I stood, surrounded by the people I love the most in life, I sat thinking to myself.... why? ....why is it that WE are so blessed? Why is it that we get to love so deeply and live so incredibly fully? Why is it that we each have the privilege of witnessing each other's wrestle through life? Why is it that God so intricately planned it so our personalities ...our strengths and weaknesses fit so perfectly together :) - allowing Him to use them as tools to beautifully shape and mold each other's lives.

So there we were. Gathered once again to celebrate family, life, and love. He has given us so much....and the giving continues as life goes as we continue... each of us on the journey of what it means to belong to the One called Love.

:::::::::

.to be loved.

2009-11-18T09:42:00.000-08:00

It's funny how one conversation...even one word can change your heartshape. Something my brother, in beautiful vulnerability said to me was, "I love loving people ... and I love being loved." Said in a conversation about the difference between fear of man and the desire to simply be loved. It struck me so profound.

It has been rare in my life ... that I have felt the presence of love lacking. Of course there have been some people who've loved me in the wrong way... but still ...out of their own confused lives ... they DID love...I did my best to take what was healthy, and left behind what was not. But in the rare moments ... where a jab is made - one well known and targeted ... those forever leave me reeling. Sometimes I withdraw....sometimes I react in anger ... but mostly...I notice the ache of unlove I feel in that moment... and comparing it to it's opposition..a well targeted word of reaching out in whatever form...saying, "hey... you are known...and loved...by me" - Funny...even writing that sentence brings tears to my eyes. (of course... I cry at anything these days.)

I am struck with how awesome the responsibility is...of truly knowing a person. How carefully we must tread in our journey alongside that person...because through our knowledge of who they are, we are enabled to destroy or... to bring about a masterpiece of grace.

There is an ache within every person to be known thoroughly and a loved just as thoroughly ... not blind love, ignoring flaws ... but a love that embraces even the darkest parts of who they are.

I see that ache in every person I know. And I'm fully aware of it within the privacy of my own heart. Such a beautiful, vulnerable, tender thing to be fully known by another human being. Sometimes ... all it takes to fill that ache is just one person ... one person who knows by heart every place of the deepest parts of your soul.

I'm sure the highest, most holy/correct :) place to be is acknowledging and taking joy in the Lord having that knowledge of who you are. But to me....it's simply another way He shows His love ... by knowing me through another person. And he HAS shown me that love. I have the deepest of relationships with a sister who has stormed the gates of hell on my behalf....danced in my joy....wept at my pain... embraced my all. And in that, she has lead me and impacted me in a greater way than anyone I have ever known.

My heart longs to know and be known ... to love and be loved. To tread carefully and in strength, founded in the greatest Love of all.

.radically defined.

2009-10-19T05:55:00.000-07:00

:/: Definition:/: :

a statement expressing the essential nature of something

:::::::

:/:Essential:/:

belonging to the very nature of a thing and therefore being incapable of removal without destroying the thing itself or its character

.beautiful.

I have missed my Alex. I've missed all of my children from Hermano Pedro Hospital... but mostly Alex. We were on a journey together, Alex and I. We laughed together, cried together, wrestled with life together, fought death together, and loved God together. It was by far, one of the most difficult, beautiful seasons of my life - being allowed to struggle alongside one of the most profoundly extraordinary individuals I have ever had the privilege of knowing.

I walk by Alex from afar now. I go about my American life doing my best to hold what God taught me while in Guatemala close to me. ...and even now I continue to learn from my time with Alex. He taught me so much about the very nature of God. He taught me about humanity.... about how fragile and very precious life is. He showed me that the importance lies not in the end result ... but in how we wrestle.... how we get there...because it is in the wrestle that our character is formed. He taught me the meaning of that exposed, naked feeling of rawness in the presence of God ... when all strength flees, and you are left with nothing but a love so blinding and so strong that at times you turn away in order to shield yourself from it....simply because like all the horrors in this life that our frail human eyes and minds were not meant to witness ... so His intense, merciless love is too much for our fragile human selves to even begin to comprehend or take in. Such a fierce, persistent persual is one that has been with me my entire life.

This is what it comes down to. My goals have changed. I have given up "arriving"....and am simply content to rest in the process. I've turned aside the constant, selfish questions of "who am I in this world - and what part am I to play" ... and am clinging to the slowly learned, beautiful understanding that I am defined as one radically beloved by God - submitting to the brilliant, blinding truth of His light.

Taking to me this beautiful truth :: because I am defined by as one beloved by God - I belong to the very nature of God ...and therefore ...am incapable of removal without destroying Him or His character.

.radically defined.

.this is the purpose in the incredible journey called Life.

.innocence.

2009-08-30T19:28:00.000-07:00

she stands barefoot at the edge of the yard, hands clasped behind her back. Strands of her long black hair has blown loose from her once tidy French braid. – her skin is fresh and beautiful and brown. She is a picture of untainted grace.

Her very being is winsome as she takes in life through wise eyes and lives it out with not a care in the world. She is wisdom waiting to mature.

Her name is Anna and she is Innocence.

I stand behind her, observing. I am struck by beauty of the innocence before me. I want to call her to me and embrace every part of her. For in her is the innocence that I find in the presence of my Father. And surely, to embrace her is to embrace Him somehow. But I refrain for the moment – taking in her beauty from a distance for a while longer.

Suddenly, the moment of stillness is broken and the small girl leaps to life as an approaching vehicle captures her attention.

“Daddy!!” Delight is spilled into the air as she half skips, half runs towards the car. Her footsteps are light and barely touch the ground. “Sammy, Dad’s here!!” - She throws the news over her shoulder to the boy bent over his fishing pole. He looks up, distracted momentarily from his tangled fishing line –

“Mmm hmm”.

His half response brings me a smile . He’s busy with more important matters.

My attention is brought once again to Innocence and her Father. – His face is alight with love that surrounds her every move. Innocence runs into the arms that envelope her with safety. For here, there is perfect freedom. The world can’t touch her.

“How was your day?”, asks Anna’s daddy….

“Daughter, pour out your heart to me.”, says the Father…..

“Mommy took me to the mall and I bought this new shirt. Do you like it?” Anna steps back and turns slowly around allowing her daddy to inspect the pink knit top.

“Wow, that’s perfect for you. I think you look beautiful!!”

:::::::::

“Father, I walked with you throughout the day. I felt your presence in every moment. But Lord, I looked up at one point and realized that I’m growing up and becoming familiar with the world around me. And what I see scares me and leaves me full of questions…

“You are my Innocent and I your Protector and Shelter.”, responds the Father “Nothing can separate you from My love – not even yourself”

“What if I’m not strong enough for what is out there?” - Innocence turns around in her Father’s arms and looks deep into His promising eyes. – His arms tightened and His eyes fill with tears.

“You’re not, Daughter”

::::::::::::

Anna takes her daddy’s hand and tugs him towards the house. “Can we go to see a movie today, Daddy? Can we go for ice cream? Can Abby and Amanda come too? But not Sammy ‘cause he wants to go fishing” - Mindless of her own chatter, she continues on in the presence of her beloved daddy

::::::::::::

Her heart tights when a tear from the Father’s eye drops softly on her forehead. And though she would be content to stay here in this place with her precious Protector for the rest of forever – there is a sense of dread that starts to form in the bottom of her soul. – She pushes it to the far corners of herself, trying to hide it from her Creator.

He looks. Past her eyes. past her heart. into her soul.

“Daughter., I already hold the hidden of the hidden. Don’t run from Me.”

Avoiding eye contact, she wiggles off His lap and slowly, distractedly walks away.

“Daughter”

she continues.

“Innocence”

She slows.

“I have called you by name, Dearling. You will forever be written upon the depths of Who I am. I have called you Eternal. Unending. Everlasting. – for it is not possible for Me to cease My pursuit of your whole.

Run from Me. And I will chase you until forever far behind us. Hide from me in the darkest corners of your flesh. And even there you will find Me wrapped all around you.

I. Will. Never. Leave. You.

She stops. Silence hangs .

Then, as he looks on, She runs. And He weeps.

To the lovers that have, since the beginning, called her by the name she knows. To the voices of demonic allusions. To the darkness that promises ease and nothingness, she runs. And runs. And runs. And runs.

“Precious”

Squeezing her eyes tight. Welcome, darkness.

“Beloved”

She puts her hands to her ears and screams. Perfect, empty noise.

“My beautiful one”

There is roaring and raging over her. Then beautiful void. And then silence. ….. absolute silence.

She finds herself curled up in fetal position. She doesn’t cry. She doesn’t feel. She waits for death to come forward and call her name.

“Esperanza”

Hope? – The once Innocent smiles with a bitterness that cuts the Father’s heart. –

“There is no such thing”. – and the darkness dances and the lovers roar their approval.

“SILENCE!!!!!”

the darkness shrinks. The lovers quiet, and the voices still.

His presence is brilliant and cutting and fearful and she’s caught. –

Shrinking away she covers her face - “Please stop loving me. Please. Please abandon me. It’s what I want. I don’t know Your presence anymore. I’m not Innocence anymore. I’m not your Daughter. I don’t want what You offer. I don’t want You.”

Suddenly she realizes that she’s in His arms – and her tears find her again. She weeps.

“Hagar, Run from Me. And I will chase you until forever far behind us. Hide from me in the darkest corners of your flesh. And even there you will find Me wrapped all around you. - “I have called you by name, Esperanza. You will forever be written up the depths of Who I am. I have called you Eternal. Unending. Everlasting. – for it is not possible for Me to cease My pursuit of your whole.”

:::::::::::

Little Anna snuggles under her covers. Her daddy leans down and kisses her softly on the forehead. “Love you, Daddy” – “I love you too, sweetie. Sleep tight”

::::::::::

Innocence looks up into her Beloved’s eyes. “Are you really here?”

“I’m here. And so are you.”, responds the Father. “You are my Innocent and I your Protector and Shelter.”, “Nothing can separate you from My love – not even yourself”

“We are forever.”

and so i return.

2009-06-27T00:34:00.000-07:00

Since my last post, much has taken place. – much. Part of that ‘much’ being that I’ve given my place as a teacher at the Scheel Center to two other women – and have returned to my place in the hospital. – I have been made aware of how little time I’ve spent at the hospital … the same place that was my focus for being here in the first place – in my efforts to be the best teacher I possibly could be, I was quickly pulled entirely away from my children at the hospital. – and, as ashamed as I am to admit it … I was ok with it. After my little Alex nearly lost his life due to the care in the hospital … that was it – I couldn’t take it anymore (crazy … how that entire decision was self-centered) – But first it was Alex … and then shortly after Chochi passed away – it was crazy that kind of loss ….so completely and utterly out of my hands – there was not one thing that I could do or say or prevent – it simply …was.

And so I dove headfirst into teaching. – I found purpose there. I found a lot of learning there. – but God’s anointing was lacking…His blessing was over my teaching …simply because He is in any part of our serving others. … but it wasn’t the same as it was when I was working at Hermano Pedro. – There are two place in my life …where God and I absolutely meet – one is when I’m playing the violin – the other is in Hermano Pedro … one I absolutely love – the other is a battle to continue because to love in Hermano Pedro is to constantly place your heart on the line…having no control over what takes place. It’s funny … someone told me that I was taking the easier road pulling away from teaching and going back to Hermano Pedro – but no … I took the easy road when I LEFT my children at Hermano Pedro. – in teaching …there is no risk – in Hermano Pedro …there is absolute and pure joy …but also daily heartbreak. That hospital is just about the only place where there is no focus on “me” whatsoever – I leave my flesh at the door and enter to face a reality of lives who have known nothing outside the compounds of the wards in which they live.

Something that I discover more for myself everyday … is that a life lived for “self” – couldn’t possibly be more empty. It is a pleasure that is only momentary leaving you wanting for more. … there is so much about this life that I remain clueless in … seeking and searching out truth, - but there are things that have stood the test of my entire life –

::Pouring into other’s lives … is a rarity … a beauty that is not often enough lived. I want to learn to walk in this way of life without even thinking – as a reflux.. I am eternally far from that as I stumble through this life so very selfishly - but it is my desire … because I have experienced a life lived for others during different seasons in my life - and there is simply nothing richer.

:: There is so much about Christianity and the church … that I simply do not get – I’ve never been remotely theologically minded so much escapes me … but this I do know – Jesus Christ is the love of my life…I don’t, for the life of me – understand Him J - but I love Him. I want His truth untainted by humanity …perhaps that’s presumptuous – perhaps I won’t know or understand until I get to heaven … but I want my journey here to be always, always towards that truth….towards His heart for the lives He’s created. – How beautiful His heart must be. … how I long to see it fully.

O to grace how great a debtor

daily I'm constrained to be!

Let thy goodness, like a fetter,

bind my wandering heart to thee.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,

prone to leave the God I love;

here's my heart, O take and seal it,

seal it for thy courts above.

“bind my wondering heart to Thee” … beautiful – This God I love … even at the deepest darkest moments of my wonderings … He seeks me out to pour out the truth of His love on His silly, headstrong daughter. – His love makes me ache.

Little by little/ Poco a poco

2009-05-14T20:22:00.000-07:00

My kids at the Scheel Center - I have such a mixture of words to describe them. - There is this thick, thick layer of self preservation they each surround themselves with. - For some, this is defiance. For others, the art of manipulation. - Still others, the victim mentality and game. As I come to know them ... I have discovered the arrogance of generalization and the pricelessness of seeing individuals. The latter is overwhelming and often seemingly impossible to take in - 3 different classes of unique individuals, each of whom has a story ... a history all to his/her own - soul full of strengths and weaknesses - a life crying out to be known. Crazy ... the first time I walked into a class ... all I could see was a sea of beautiful faces - an overwhelming task of somehow persuading them to grasp the gift of a new language that I offered. - Hoping upon hope that they would fall in love with me as I was with them. ...and knowing that I was going to have to first earn their respect - before their love. I came wanting to captivate their interest and cultivate their minds - and it's taken a good, hard road to feel like I'm finally getting to that place. - There is discipline - but also participation ...oh that delights me to be able to truthfully say that =) ... they aren't "the" kids anymore ... they're "my" kids - My kids ... Abraham, whom I would LOVE to throttle ...but who delights me as he comes repeatedly asking for "more English" - with his twinkling eyes and taunting attitude. David ... who openly defied me ... then promptly got sent out - and returned the next class where he sat up straight, asked questions, even volunteered to help. ... Or Giovani - the boy that parks cars on the other end of Santa Lucia (my street) - who insisted on stirring up the other sixth grade boys, sending them to Senor Director's office where they were rebuked and given extra assignments - and now he's my biggest asset in the class. - Calin ... oh that girl - reminds me of my little Asian princess, Abby - sarcastic ... brilliant... graceful and playful - who must be sought after and won before she is willing to learn. ... Hugo ... the handsome boy who melts me above all others - his heart is beautiful - without the hardness that I see in most of the rest - He carries himself with respect and calls others to do the same. He reaches out to the outcast of the school- Sonia ... a girl who the others turn their noses up at for many reasons unnecessary to disclose here - "Who is your good friend here at Centro Scheel?", I asked her at lunch - curious about her social life - "El", she said softly pointing across the table to Hugo .... the boy 5 years younger - who sits without fail next to her at the lunch table - pursuing that which is undesirable to many others .... No wonder God's heart is for the children.

So little by little I make progress into the hearts and lives of these children. More and more I hope for them. More and more I truly see them. - This is a rich life that I live. I would ask for no other.

No Longer

2009-05-02T18:33:00.000-07:00

Over the past 25 years of my life God has taken me on an adventure like no other - one of healing, discovery, and fullness of joy. About 7 years ago when I gave up hope of ever reaching the place I so yearned to be, He responded to my despair by giving me the promise of Hosea 2:14 - 20. The past seven years has been full

of His fulfillment of that promise ... layer after layer of the walls that the enemy worked so hard to build have been stripped away - He has filled the void that once ruled my life and bridged the gap with His peace, presence, and strength. His faithfulness in my life goes beyond my wildest hopes and greatest faith. He is Healing and Hope. I love Him.

Therefore, behold, I will allure her, I will bring her into the wilderness,

And speak comfort to her. I will give her her vineyards from there,

And the Valley of Achor as a door of hope; She shall sing there,

As in the days of her youth, As in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt.

For I will take from her mouth the names of the Baals, And they shall be remembered by their name no more.

I will betroth you to Me forever;

Yes, I will betroth you to Me

In righteousness and justice,

In lovingkindness and mercy;

Iwill betroth you to Me in faithfulness,

And you shall know the LORD

No~Longer....

Hungry

2009-04-20T08:04:00.000-07:00

"Hungry I come to You for I know You'll satisfy"

It's been interesting, the time I've spent in the school. I've taught Engish to the big kids ... but developed relationship with the little ones. The little ones rip at my heart. They are so starved ... so desirous of their lives being recognized as worthy to be loved. Two of the ones I'm closest to - are Rosa (Rosita) and Yolanda. Rosa is the little stinker of the first graders. She's into more trouble than any of us would care to admit. - She's got a little glint in her eye 24/7 that says , "Be aware .. I AM as much of a monkey as I look" - She's probably all of 7-8 years old. ... but she's so much older than that. - there is a quote in Francine River's Redeeming Love that continues to come to my mind when I look into Rosita's eyes ... "Age has nothing to do with years" - Rosita dances ... but not the innocent dance of a girl who has been sheltered and proctected - she dances the dance of a woman ... a woman on the hunt for the attention of men - the dance of a girl who has undoubtedly been preyed upon. - her eyes are seductive and hips sway in such a sexy way, it's hard in that moment for me to believe she's only a baby. Such is a very typical way of life in Guatemala. A life lived before the first few years even begin to pass.

Rosa isn't the only child in the school that grabs my heart- My heart is firmly in the grip of a 15-yr-old boy named Abraham.

Abraham is insolent and will do ANYTHING to get my dander up - I spend half the time wanting to smack some sense and respect into him. - but then every once in a while he'll let that wall of defiance slip ... and I'll see what lies beneath the surface. - a little boy, who's scared and wants it to be ok to give and receive the love that, according to what I've gathered - he's never really had. That vulnerability that I see ... so rarely - that is what keeps me pursuing hope for him. Recently (as in a few days ago) - Abraham was kidnapped by armed men in suits ... and beaten up - because his father (who is a known drug dealer) had some sort of riff with them - Makes me sick and angry ... an innocent boy caught in the middle of grown men's lust for money and pleasure .... sickening. How this must grieve my Father's heart. - I'm caught in a frustrating place with Abraham. Unlike my little Rosita - Abraham would be considered an adult by Guatemalan standards - I can't have friendship with this boy since the dynamics would automatically be inappropriate - I'm his teacher ...and have to mantain a constant teacher/student relationship - one of authority and respect ... loving and firm. The best gift I can offer him is holding him to the highest standard ...pushing him always towards sucess and away from the sick cycle he's only ever known.

So much is offered to the people of Guatemala...to every life that inhabits the earth today - so much that promises fulfillment and pleasure. And every part of it momentary. All of it empty. To know that I belong to and am a tool of a Love that is, in itself ...ultimate satisfaction, fulfillment and joy - this brings purpose to every moment of my life. - We are here ... to shout "HE satisfies!!" - from every rooftop ..... we are here to prove His satisfaction to lives who have been disappointed time and again by dead promises. .... We are here to be hope extended. ....Let us take up and live this calling with all of our hearts before a lost and searching world. Let us not lose sight that we are under observation constantly .... The way we live - is the way we portray this beautiful, loving God we represent.

...Hungry, I come to You for I know You satisfy

Willing to fight

2009-03-16T13:20:00.000-07:00

Today was my first *real* day of teaching at the Scheel Center - it was tough. More tough than I wanted it to be. - I expect challenges when I go into work ...and even though I claim to love being challenged - my attitude often disagrees with me. Today was no exception. - My first class went really well. The kids had no behavorial issues - and all was smooth. My second class was much different - I went in seemingly "together" and with it ... only to discover that when facing a rowdy group of 15-20 teenagers who've been taught an assortment of random English lessons .... none of which add up to what you're about to teach them .... can add up to be very challenging. I'm a little kid person. ...good teaching them - good disciplining them - good relating to them ...just generally ...good - practically been a mother to them my whole life - so it comes pretty easy and I really love it!! - And I've always been apprehensive of dealing with teens ...especially in a setting like that (in a classroom..I do better one-on-one) - but even more so since I don't speak the language well at all...the difficulty level sky rocketed. - I did my best to kind of make it up as I went along ...tried not to act flustered - but I was generally frustrated with the whole situation. ....what was my reaction? - hmmmm, maybe this just isn't my gifting - and was immidiately convicted....

I feel like something I find out over and over again is that nothing good and rich in life comes unearned - all things worthy have to be fought for ...and sought after. - this is something I discover in the day to day mundane, my spiritual journey, my relationships.... everything.

All weekend long has been one long reminder of how, if I truly want an in depth relationship with my Jesus ....I must be willing to not only open my arms to Him ...but also must run after Him with my all

And today served as another reminder... If I want to be the teacher that draws her students in ... makes them think - challenges them in a fun way that makes them want to know MORE .... I've got to pursue knowledge of how to teach (and learning to be organized might come in handy too! =) ... I must be willing to be ok with being new and starting at the beginning .... their lives should be worth it.

If I want growth in my life - I must seek it. I can't be content to continually sit back and wait for change to come to me .... I have to chase it.

Frustrates me extremely not to be perfect at something. It's humbling to me to be a beginner at something. - Rising to a challenge is something I so admire in other people .... being daunted is something I hate in myself. ..... so I have some things to learn... some things to take in stride as I branch out of my comfort zone in this teaching a gazillion teenagers -

So. I guess what it comes down to as I look into their eyes - some carefree .... some troubled .... some devishly charming ....some purely develish :P - are they worthy of my efforts and discomfort and being humbled? - if I can walk into a hospital and work fall in love with children that I swore I'd never touch (seriously...what the heck was wrong with me anyway??) .... then I figure that this too is an area where, with humility and a willingness to to learn - God can use me . - One thing that I love .... the way God places us in places where, in our own strength...we have nothing to offer - but with His annointing ...with His strength and wisdom and blessing ....we have potential to be powerful tools. - Beautiful.

Wipe Your Tears, Get to Work, and May God Bless You.

2009-03-02T12:15:00.000-08:00

It's not often that I get to see the complete picture of God's heart in one, short morning - today was extraordinary. I was greeted today by the leader of a team we've got in for the week - big grin on his face ..."Let's go serve", he said. Excitement ... not something you often come in contact when it comes to serving in Hermano Pedro - it was beautiful to see! Then later as I sat beside this same man in Pollo Compero ....with the children of Hermano Pedro surrounding us - he spoke of a conversation he'd had with his daughter - as she'd held a child to her chest and wept ..... heart broken and full of love - "It's ok", he told her - "those are the beautiful tears of Jesus for that child - but now you've got to wipe your tears and get to work" .....

One of the greatest words of wisdom that my incredible mother has passed onto me - is that the enemy will do whatever it takes to keep needs from being met - one way is to blind you with selfishness - the other way is when your eyes are opened to the need....and your heart is broken - to paralyze you in your brokenness so that you are just as useless as when you were blind to the need. - that's what came mind when I heard Daryl speak of his daughter ....

"Cry over them - then wipe your tears and get to work."

How profound. People often take need in layers .... see - process. feel - process. act - process .... all a road in preparing one's self to be of service - when the bottom line is just getting one's self the heck out of the way - and seeing the Jesus you love in the eyes before you. - but to hear it summed up in one simple sentence ..... pretty profound.

I was blessed today - like literally ...blessed. My sister and I passed by a beggar woman on the street just outside the Botagona. I passed by her - my hands were full of groceries and I couldn't reach for my pockets - but as I passed her, my arm brushed her outstretched hand - and as I did so - I knew that I couldn't pass her by ...this was one of those "Jesus" times. So I placed my groceries down - pulled a mere 10q out of my pocket - walked back to her - and placed it in her hand. As I turned to walk away, she reached out and grabbed my hand pulling me back - and only then did I truly see her...

~ She was typical in that she was dirty like the others - she was ancient looking like the others. Life had taken it's toll on her. - she was dressed in rags like the others .... but unlike the others - she struck me as absolutely beautiful - about 4 feet tall with gray braids and sandals that were several sizes too small for her feet - her eyes were clouded over but there was a radiance in them. - As she pulled me back to her - she leaned over and kissed my hand. - Then with a beautiful smile she placed her hand over my heart - "God will bless you", she said - She then reached up and crossed me ...."in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit - .....He will bless you" -

I placed my hand on her shoulder - "He already has blessed me.... He already has".

I have never experienced the in such a real way the phrase, "inasmuch as you have done it to the least of these, My brethren - you have done it unto Me" - blows me away to think that the very same Jesus who I showed love to on the street today ...turned and blessed me right back. ..... full circle. Full. Beautiful. Circle.

This is my life.

Wipe your tears, get to work, and may God bless you

Challenged to be changed

2009-02-15T19:22:00.000-08:00

I love being challenged...most of the time :). I love sitting in a roomful of people and living out "iron sharpening iron" - the dynamics of each personality serves to enrich and teach - new approaches are brought up ... mindsets are challenged ... respect is built and inspired ... humility is learned ... and we all of us grow a bit older.

He who has knowledge spares his words,

and a man of understanding is of a calm spirit.

Proverbs 17:27

My typical approach to discussions is to listen ... and then write about it later - usually journaling. ... and in doing so - I've discovered that my thoughts remain my own ... they remain unchallenged...unchanged. But over the past month or so - I'm learning to have a voice ... to ask questions ....and to process out loud. - It's not in my comfort zone for sure ... to process aloud with people who I'm not on an intimate level with. But I'm finding that there is such growth to be found in seeking to be challenged - because in doing so, I am also seeking to be changed.

- It's an art though ... an art to go about these discussions in a way that seeks to define truth ... with a spirit of humility.

A fool has no delight in understanding,

but in expressing his own heart.

Proverbs 18:2

....I have to work hard to check my heart before entering in - is my desire to seek out truth? or is it to be heard? - I find that if I am seeking to be heard ...I walk away feeling as though I have gained nothing. And when I take on the perspective of being on a journey of discovery with those around me - all of us wrestling with a subject together ... even if a mutual agreement isn't reached - I walk away having reached a deeper level with them ... my conclusions shaken and that which I had resolved, questioned - and I am grateful. Forever the Refiner, He is faithful to undo us at every turn - to continually bring us to the place where we once again recognize our endless, desperate need for the beauty of His truth

To search. To remain unsatisfied. To find the balance of humility and standing fast. To speak only that which is worthy. To listen much....and hear. To be thankful. to delight in the fellowship we have as believers .. made possible by this beautiful God - endless in His depth. We were created to worship - I want to do so, taking full advantage of the thousands of ways we've been given.

Like seriously. discovery of this God .... is amazing.

The time is here.

2009-02-04T18:52:00.000-08:00

We lost Chochi .... and I'm still not quite sure what to do with what wells up inside me...

I miss her

She was about 15 years old. She had a bowl haircut and sat in the same spot in the sun everyday. - Every morning she would greet us with "HOLA!!" - "Hola, Chochi" we'd call back in unison ... "Quetal esta??" ....at least 15 times over - until we finally brought her bowl of food to her. She was a no nonsense sweet heart. She would have none of the typical baby gibberish that most visitors/volunteers bring with them - she only want to talk like two normal adults, thank you very much. She wasn't one of the popular ones with the volunteers - but oh, how her nurses loved her. The day she died, as we made the rounds feeding the kids ... we passed stories back and forth...funny things she'd done or said .... the adorable way her thick black eyebrows almost covered her little chinita eyes.

It was a shock. I'd seen her only a few days before - and she seemed fine. It was a shock too ... when I first heard ... I thought of how jealous I was of Jesus - He gets to see her whole right now - I have to wait. .... I've never been so homesick for heaven as I was in that moment.

Chochi - I wish you could see how your life was celebrated in our grief over you. - I wish you could know how very loved you were...and are ....and always and forever will be.

Our little Clara - the curly headed angel who always sits next to the doors of Belin...paced up and down trying to look for some semblance of strength ... security - she finally latched herself onto me. - With tiny little moaning noises, she took me by the hand and shuffled over to Chochi's bed - sitting down, she patted the bed ...making little noises ....tears running down her face. - Finally she laid down on Chochi's pillow. I took off her shoes - and pulled the covers up over her... as she snuggled in she gave me a sad smile amidst the tears - and drifted off to sleep. ....Clara - who doesn't act like she knows one person from another .... grasped the loss of Chochi in a deeper way than I ever would have expected.

I stumbled out of the hospital that day and called my mom .... "I just don't think I can do this anymore." ..as we cried together. - I took my Bible and journal and went to the roof of La Merced to spend time with the One who waits to meet me at any moment ...

"Lord - WHY am I here?? I couldn't save her. I didn't change her life. She came and went as if I were NEVER there....the only thing left is grief" - "My daughter.... what is it you are doing right now? You're grieving ..you're recognizing a loss. You're here .... to bear witness of their lives ...to celebrate them when they are here ....and grieve them when they are gone. Your purpose is being fulfilled even at this time. Chochi is worthy of your grief. Her life was a gift .... and I placed you in that hospital to recognize it" - ever faithful, my Father in heaven.

Father of the fatherless

For everything there is a time....

the time has come for me to mourn....

....and for her ....to DANCE

What I would give to be able to witness her dance.

Thank You, Jesus for the gift of our Choichi's life.

Where is He?

2009-01-10T12:08:00.000-08:00

I am so far from where I want to be as far as being a representation of God's heart. I am one heck of a huge mess as far as things I do and say that aresupposed to speak of the unfathomable love and redeeming GRACE that shouts itself across this dark world that has long since become the enemy's tromping grounds. - and over the past several days, I've had some really telling conversations with a good friend of mine ... hearing myself lay out a high and mighty standard on one side of my mouth ... one that challenges anyone to disagree with me - without sounding totally carnal - and then go and break that exact standard with my thoughts or words or whatever.... your basic hypocrite And even ...even if I DON'T really live out a contradiction of what I say I believe - there is still an underlying tone of judgement in my voice. - I have about a gazillion different friends from a gazillion different walks in life - and lately ... I've been so challenged by those who have chosen to walk outside - or away from the Jesus I love with my all (despite being forever in the flesh!) - challenged by my own words to them. When I'm with my Christian friends ...when we all agree - when we're all walking the same path ... it's so, so easy to miss the hypocrisy that finds it's way into my heart. The "holier than thou" that spreads itself out in my heart...and I know - in my attitude towards those I come in contact with.

:::::

A few days ago I caught sight of what non-believers must feel like towards us - and I was sickened by it - I was walking down the street when I came across a mother and daughter obviously conservative by their attire (I only know because my family used to dress the exact same way) - I made eye contact with the little girl and smiled at her - The mom noticed, pulled her daughter behind her and glared at me with such venom, I was totally taken aback ..... as if I was polluting her daughter merely by smiling at her. - I walked away angry, hurt, and incredibly grieved. - She didn't know a single thing about my life or who I am .....she never took the time to know me ....she never took the time to find out if there was even anything to judge - what she would have accomplished, however - had I been a non-believer .... was to have pushed me away - because had I not known anything about the Jesus that I know - I would have reacted in my humanness - and not wanted anything to do with her way of life.

How many?

My God. - how many have been turned away - by the actions of MEN who say they represent a loving God. What loss. What a waste. .....I wonder if the thought angers Him. - or is it simply an unfathomable grief as person after person gets a taste the pride and judgement we humans pour out so readily on each other - and chooses to walk away .... because SURELY the offspring is a picture of it's Creator. God forgive us. God forgive ME!
Lately I've come in contact with more Christians than I care to admit - who, by actions and words (my God, the words that come from people's mouths!!) THEY would consider good and right and of the Lord - have turned away many....from the very One who is desperate to bring restoration and absolute fulfillment and LIFE to a dying world.

I feel like the reason for so much judgement - and such reactions .... is due to fear. And I ask myself .... of WHAT exactly am I afraid? - afraid that I'm not strong enough in what I believe to stand firm and be open at the same time? afraid of being challenged? afraid of not having answers - and in not having answers ... somehow being out of control of my life and mind - which is silly seeing as how life beyond being under control.

Funny - I've noticed this ....this intense, black and white cycle that humans tend to find their way into. -and of course, like everything in life .... there are definitely exceptions - but this keeps coming back to me - Life is built on one reaction right after another. Christians reacting perhaps to a very lost and searching world - perhaps to personal experiences - who knows? ....by setting themselves up in very nice, safe fortresses of rules and regulations ....judging anyone and anything that is different because, oh my GOSH - if you even LOOK at a new way of thinking twice - you're so totally headed for hell. -then you've got the people who react to THAT way of thinking - but being judgemental of anything that remotely LOOKS like a standard ...because of course anyone who chooses a certain set of morals, is a closed minded, uneducated idiot who obviously doesn't have a mind of his/her own.

What the crap!!!! - This isn't the way it's supposed to be! Why is it that people think they can't hold on to what they believe ...and yet be challenged and open to others at the same time? - why all this fear of change? - and Christians, ....my brother and sisters in Christ - take a second look at the God in who's name we walk, and talk, and act - His name is LOVE (the same love and grace and mercy YOU were shown) - He basically spat out the ones who had such high and mighty ways - the ones He called SNAKES.... He found His friendships with those who were real with themselves - who didn't set themselves up as a standard - but rather just lived and accepted and loved - and recognized that, like everyone else ....they were human - full of flaws and without answers. ... but what is our love built off of? Is it built off of the purest 1 Corinthians 13 love? - or is it built off of our self-imposed view of what we consider to God to be...what we've created Him to be in our prideful, arrogant, ignorant minds.

In the love chapter =) I've always focused more on what love IS ...than what it is NOT - but man - it's been a convicting morning as I've gone back over it - and been shown - the ways that I have NOT loved - as I have been loved..... "Love is not jealous or boastful or rude - It doesn't demand it's own way (news flash!!) - it's not irritable and it keeps no record of being wronged - it does not rejoice about injustice - but rejoices in TRUTH" How long will we walk with the hearts of those Jesus spat out? - How long will we call ourselves Christians ...the adopted of Christ - all the while pushing the searching towards another answer with our words and actions towards them? He's the standard. The people who He hung out with ...are the challengers.

Wow. - That's who I want to be. A human - who sees herself as she is. full of flaws -who holds no answers ... and in need of The Answer.

Grace like rain. - I want my walk to be seasoned with grace. I want to except and stand firm. To see and love without ulterior motive.

I pray that somehow, someway....this cycle will be put to an end. I pray that fear and judgement will be less called up - if at all - and the law of kindness and Love taken up as weapons against the war the enemy has raged on humanity. - And I pray ...that my Jesus, The Answer - will no longer be represented as harsh, unforgiving, and judgemental - but as the Restorer of every breach - the healer of every hurt - and the Pursuer ...of every heart.

Christmas Child

2008-12-24T21:12:00.000-08:00

For the first time I celebrate a day that has been one full of family memories - in a different country. And the two are so different ... at home by about mid-December, Daniel, Caleb, Virginia, and I would have put on our ridiculous Santa hats and pulled out - Christmas music blaring - decorations strewn everywhere .... Dan would pull my mom off her computer and into the kitchen where each brother would insist on dancing with her - and though she would protest, my mom would glow - as she always does when us older kids force her into the fun .....

:::::::::::

Here - about mid- December, Christmas decor goes up all over town - everyone ....everyone joins in - as it takes little to call for huge celebrations and Christmas is certainly no exception.
but here .... something else changes - I've noticed more beggars in the streets .... I walk by a man in the market that has thick, dark stripes up his arms where he's taken his pain out on himself. ...I notice a glimmer of hope in a child's eyes ....perhaps since there is something magic about this season ...people might be more generous ....maybe THIS Christmas she won't have to go hungry ... I see Hermano Pedro - the children inside, instead of being celebrated are in their beds, bars up, doors shut tight.... - I see the emptiness in eyes of the woman who has sold herself to the man leading her down the street by the arm - his eyes cold and uncaring - my God. What pain is this?

:::::::::::::

the comparison between rich and poor takes even a deeper meaning in my heart.

::::::::::::

I have known pain. I have known fulfillment. I have known emptiness. I have known joy. I have known hopelessness. And I have been pursued by hope. I have felt more alone than I care to remember. I have felt surrounded by One who refused to let me go. I have looked at those around me, begging them to know without my telling them. ....I have had the hand of endless understanding and excepting love held out to me my entire life.

Sometimes I presume to know.

But in the end - I realize ....I have never known poverty. I have always, always known that Jesus Christ has carried me every second of every moment of ever day of my entire life. - I look into the eyes of those outside my door ... and realize - hope is a word that they have no idea is within reach. My thoughts go back to the woman who's eyes cried out to me as she passed - cried out for deliverance that she didn't know existed ...."I know!!!" I want to shout to her ..."you aren't alone, beloved" ....."Please, PLEASE feel pursued ....know that my Jesus is desperately after you and will not stop until you are His" ....."you aren't alone. I love you with all my heart....you are loved." - Or the man with the scars up his arms ...."My Jesus, took those stripes for you, my friend ... please let Him embrace you and take your pain as well. - and in return, except His healing." .....I want to tell him how much I love him. and I don't know why I do ....I don't even know him....but I just .... I love him. His pain grieves me.

::::::::::::

Sometimes I think that I have the choice to be something other that what He has created me to be.

Most times He just sits back and allows me to think it - as He prepares me for the next step of the plan. :)

I look at my life. I look at theirs. ....I get puzzled as to how I ended up where I did - and how they ended up where they did. - And now at Christmastime ... I compare my life to those outside my door. I look at my family ...who has been my refuge and strength and guide - I look at my childhood - warm and full of love.

then i look at them. ...eyes telling the history of a harsh existence - maturity at 3,4,5 years old ....that I would have just reached when I was 15, 16, 17 - a street smartness that no child ...no human should ever come to understand - and yet it is a fact of life to them.
I see one major difference in the two scenarios - I was allowed to be a child ...full of imagination and the lightness of a existence already taken care of - and for them ...such a luxury is unheard of.

:::::::::::

To make ourselves stop and consider what we have....the countless ways we've been privileged - isn't asking too much. Heck ...it's not enough. - It should change us .... it should turn us into the most compassionate, loving, giving humans ever to walk the earth .... it leaves me challenged to stop looking....and really see. - to stop feeling sorry ...and show compassion - to take the focus off myself ....for once - and throw myself into others endlessly.

:::::::::

The Christmas Child ... of course - is Jesus. But His existence wasn't just in that manger so long ago .... the Christmas child is reborn every. single. day. - in the needs that abound around each of us, no matter where we are. - Step outside yourself .... step away from YOU - and start seeing life for what it truly is around you. - in doing that, you will find a life worthy of living.

Lead me to the Rock - for I cannot walk away.

2008-12-17T12:01:00.000-08:00

Wow. It's incredible how hard, hard, HARD the enemy is pursuing me right now - in pretty much every aspect. One of my friends mentioned that it sounded like I'm being "hunted" when I shared all the different things going down at this point - and it's so profound ...because that's exactly what is going on. I feel like his main target ... Riiiight before I came here - God moved in a mighty way in my life ... some random guy who I'd never laid eyes on walked up to the table where my friend Abi and I were sitting in Starbucks - and laid me flat with this crazy prophesy ... I mean - like ...no way he could have known the things he was saying were EXACTLY what had taken place in my life ... things that God had begun to lay on my heart only a few short months before - the weird thing is ... I am just that much more sure it was of God - due to the way the enemy has unleashed himself upon me at every. single. turn. .....ways that I would never have thought possible. ....lol - I'm reading back over what I've written - forgive the vagueness ... I can't share everything at this point - some of you know what I refer to ... to those of you who don't - I'm sorry if I leave you confused.

I spoke to my dearest heart ...my Mel today about it all - once again I'd come juuuust to the point of giving it all up - the healing He's doing constantly, constantly ...the grief I face daily when I walk into the hospital not knowing how Alex will be doing - knowing that his end ....my God - his end is coming. ... "I'm horrified of how willing I am to walk away it all. I have fought for all of this for sooooo long. - I'm weary ...and I just can't fight anymore ....and as horribly selfish as this sounds - I can't DO this thing with Alex anymore. I can't deal with losing him ...facing him each day ... leaving him each day ... I can't carry myself right now - much less Alex and the pain of losing him ....precious, precious baby!!!" - And in her typical, beautiful, wisdom filled way - she stopped me in the street ... and said "you know ...as soon as you spoke of walking away - there was something in my spirit ...that said - "it will never happen ...for she cannot walk away from Me" - you remind me of my little Madi, Mary ... it is impossible for Madi to look up at me - and say, "Mommy ... I love you - but life with you is just too hard ... and my love isn't strong enough", - her eyes filled with tears ...."Daughter," I would say..."your love ISN'T strong enough ....but MINE is - and I refuse to let you go" ....He looks at you with such tenderness ... and says that HIS love is strong enough for the both of you ... and He will not let you go. - And as far as Alex ... Mary...you KNOW - you already know. ....You are his light right now ... you are here for him. - You can walk out of that hospital and be fed - your needs can be met ... right now you ARE the meeting of his needs - He needs you ... and that's bigger than your weakness and heartache. - And Mary ... his life is worthy of your heartbreak. ... you can't walk away."

My heart is one big ache. My strength is gone. - but my Jesus is alive... and for all that I lack - He fills to overflowing. He is my Rock ....and I cannot and will not walk away.

I love You, Father.

Alex.

2008-12-13T12:41:00.000-08:00

The past week has been a roller coaster emotionally. Hopes rise and fall each day I got in to visit my little one. I went in the other day to find him full of smiles and bright-eyed. Called Dick up too excited to hardly even give the report...but that was yesterday - Today wasn't so good of a day. I was really frustrated with the nurses too ... when I walked in I asked, as I always do, "How is he?" ..."oh he's fine" - they told me ... "he's doing great" - but what I found for myself was a different story. - Alex was in his bed ...silently sobbing - the only sounding coming from him was his chest rattling. - "This is fine???", I addressed the head nurse - angry at their lack of care. ..."The kid is in his bed crying, having a hard time breathing, and running fever... why is he being ignored?" - She wasn't happy with me at ALL for getting on to her ... not that I could care less - she grudgingly pulled out a thermometer and took his temp - then took him out of his bed and handed him to me ... he stopped crying immediately. - she then gestured toward the rocking chair nearby and I took a seat ... and as usual began my daily routine of telling him that he's not alone, singing over him, praying over him. After about 30 minutes the nurse came up to me ..."stop rocking him. You'll make him throw up" - kind of glad that she had something to hold over my head after I'd caught them neglecting Alex ... I (sorry but you're about to see my lovely true colors) glared at her ..."now you care???" - then turned my attention fully to Alex trying hard to refrain from smacking her upside the head. - OH there are few things in this life that make me more angry than some of the things that go on in that wretched hospital. ....very, very few. - And you know...I think I could PROBABLY manage to be a bit more Christlike - if it were anyone but Alex ... hmm - nope. I think I'd react the exact same way. ...and I know that repentance and conviction is coming - it always does ...but for now - I'm too furious to listen to Him. - I know that in that place - walking in the Spirit is sooo important - you have to take into affect that when addressing the people in charge ...you're not just looking at "that moment" ...but you're entire future there. Grudges aren't easily forgiven but EASILY welcomed. I've found over and over again - I can be in AMAZING standing - but one slip...one tiny slip and I'm on the bad list. - And it's hard - because the mother bear rises up in me fiercely for these kids...all hell breaks lose if one of them is being neglected - I forget in the heat of the moment .... my actions affect the kids. - my righteous indignation that I "have a right to" - makes THEM have to sacrifice - oh to learn to walk in the Spirit faithfully ... to walk in wisdom with the *law of kindness* (love that) on my tongue. ... hmmm - *conviction is setting in*, dang it. ....maybe I shouldn't have sat down to update - then I could have gone around feeling self righteous in my flesh. - Oh I just want to scream at the unfairness of it all.... why must it be ALEX who is neglected ... WHY!!!!!! ...as they sit there on their butts cooing over the cute little clef palate babies .... Alex lays in the corner, by himself, silently sobbing .... rip my heart out by it's roots - the picture is going to be with me for a long time. Sometimes I love this country ...and sometimes it's more than I can take.

God teach me ...forgive me ...and teach me.

The brother we never brought home.

2008-12-08T12:01:00.000-08:00

There are several people who God used to bring me back to Guatemala where a hospital full of special needs children lay waiting to be shown what incredible gifts of life they are. My mom was one of them...a tiny, quiet, fireball of a woman who's passion for special needs extended into our entire family. - Matthew (my 6 yr old brother) was another. He came to us with severe Cerebral Palsy - we met his needs ...and he filled our home with life. - Then there is Alex. Alex brought me back over and over again - opening my heart to a life rich with laughter, tears, and faith. For years I've watched Alex come in and out of struggles to survive. Always ...even at his weak points he had a sparkle...a fight - to survive. And always ... even at his worst...I knew he'd make it out alive. I've come before the throne for six years on his behalf, hardly knowing how to pray ... healing? grace? awareness of God's presence? ....strength for what was to come? I prayed as I was given knowledge. He has brought such joy in the sparkle of his eyes and that incredibly beautiful smile. - Alex and I have drawn very close over the past four months. It's been a soul connection - one that I would feel lost without. - His heart is rich with love and sensitivity - for example, on the days that he's struggling ... I come undone - and tears begin to fall .... He'll turn his tiny head - and give me a soft smile. "It's ok....please don't cry", it speaks to my heart. He comforts me in the midst of his pain. What a gentle, beautiful heart....this little gift possesses. He has walked out life with such grace and patience - such strength of character that has challenged my own immaturity.

Last Friday I drove back to Antigua from camp with Dick - we hit the hospital to drop off our kiddos. I immediately went in to check on Alex. His eyes lit up with recognition - but no smile greeted me. And something else that I noticed right away ... there wasn't that sparkle that I'd come to be desperate for. There was ... something missing. And in a split second....I recognized what it was. Alex wasn't fighting anymore. I choked back a sob....and leaned over to pick him up. "I'm here, baby", I said softly in his ear. "it's ok" I took him outside into the courtyard, sat on the cold cement floor and leaned back against a pillar to support my back as I rocked him back and forth. His body had never felt so tiny ... and I had never felt so desperate. "Alex," I pleaded.."please. don't give up. fight!" - He looked so tired ... so very tired. "I can't let you go" ... he looked up at me ...in silent understanding. ....then this weird wave came over me ... the God's presence was all around the two of us with such comforting warmth - a knowing and participating in the sorrow that was tearing at my heart. "It's alright, daughter", He spoke to me ...."it's time to let him go. Give him to Me. ....you can let him go." - I began to weep. I wept because I knew ... I knew before I even saw him. It's time. And the grace I felt to release him ...was unwelcome. I'm not ready to feel that grace. I'm not ready to let him go. What will my life be without him? - and in that moment ...as he has so often done before...Alex looked up at me and gave the most precious little smile - "It's ok", he said with his eyes. ...."it's ok"

::~::~::~::~::

I walked out of the hospital that day feeling that grace-filled loss that only God can give. He too....has wept for Alex.

Today I came back to the hospital to check in on him....only to discover that he wasn't in his bed. I panicked ....I hadn't gotten to say goodbye. - But no...he's not gone. One of the nurses informed me that he'd been put in Malnutrition - I swallowed an angry response ... Ok - so the kid has to be dying before you people will put him in the Malnutrition ward ... I see how it goes now. - Not five minutes later I was by his crib. He was so pale. So week. Once again...I cried. I picked him up and sat down in one of the rocking chairs ...and began to rock him singing softly to him.

"Where can I go from Your Spirit/Where can I flee from Your presence/If I ascend into heaven You are there/If I make my bed in hell behold You are there/ If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea/ even there Your hand shall lead me and Your right hand shall hold me"

I realized that he was having a really hard time breathing so I placed him back in his crib where he was elevated properly ... and then began to talk to him. I don't know why ....but I began to tell him about my family. I didn't have the words in spanish so I just went off in English. I told him about Sammy - his strength. his pride :) his heart for understanding and his determination to know truth. I told him about Anna ...who walks through life with flawless grace - everything coming easy to her....and her being completely unaware of how beautiful in every way that she is. I spoke of Claire and her strength ...and how excited I was to see her grow into a woman of God. I told him of Abby ... and how, when my dad laid eyes on that first referral picture ...portraying such a little grieving face - He said with determination, "Her name will be Abigail Joy. Because God is going to bring joy out in her" - and so she is....such joy to all who know her."

....even as I started speaking ... he put his little head next to mine...listening intently to everything I was saying....

"And you, Alex", I said to him

..."you are the brother we never got to bring home."

I wonder. What would his life have been like had he been in our family? He and Samuel would have been very close. He would have loved the days of therapy that involve fun therapist with constant smiles, playgrounds, happy meals, and a day out with Mom. My mom would have poured her life into him ... making him the center of her world - beaming with pride when out in public with him. My sisters and I would have spoiled him rotten and my brothers would wrestle with him... bringing out the laughter that I've heard so few times. - I don't grieve that he was born ... I grieve about where he was born ... where he's lived his life. What I would give to steal him away ...showing him the joy of a family.

I don't know God's timing. I don't know what exactly He has in mind as far as how much longer our little Alex has to live. But I do know that His grace in Alex's life ... is strong. I know that since the beginning of his life, He cradled him in His arms. I know that Alex's life is the most beautiful one I know. .... and I know that when the time comes - Alex will be in a place where he will no longer be prohibited by a body that refuses to function ... but he will dance and sing before his Creator. ... and there is no better place for him - than in the arms of my Jesus.

I'm not ready for the grace to let go. I'm not ready to be left behind. I'm not ready to be without him. ... but once again - am ready ...to fall on Him - it's all I've got left - and in the midst of this desperateness .... I trust. I love this Author of Life that I serve.

Purpose.

2008-12-05T19:34:00.000-08:00

What is the purpose for living? What is my purpose here on earth? At the age of eleven I started looking to Africa for that purpose ...as God planted a tiny seed that was soon a huge burden that consumed my heart - I knew what I was here to do. I was to move to Africa to live and to be among my people. So I poured myself into it with a passion. All things Africa. Anything that wasn't Africa...simply wasn't for me. It took years for God to finally get it through my head that Africa was quickly overtaking HIS place in my heart. - no matter how noble the cause. No matter how worthy the role .... there should be no idol before Him. So I literally went through a period of God prying my fingers loose of the thing I'd come to love and cry out for so very much - and once it was gone ... once I'd really laid it down - I recognized that it had indeed taken up a huge portion of my heart. So I did my best to lay it down. Then God tackled another something =) Long ago, I'd told Him I would do ANYTHING ....anything except work with special-needs....dang it - big time bad. Never tell God what you will or will not do....or was that just ME that didn't know that? - Anyway 6 years ago I first set foot in Hermano Pedro Hospital in Antigua, Guatemala. My initial responses were not that of God's heart .... I know. - but because God is full of grace and faithfulness - AND because He's way more stubborn than I am - He continually required me returning ....over. and over. and over again. - the process was hard and life changing and impossible and beautiful and I stand on the other end - enriched because of the people who have entered my life - people who I no longer look at ....but people who I actually *see* ....who are some of the dearest friends that I could ever ask for. Richness. - This too, I developed a passion for ...one that consumed me. And again...I just knew that I'd found my purpose. And again...over the course of the past few weeks - He, once again has shown me that the special needs of Guatemala is NOT

my purpose....shocked? - Oddly. I wasn't at all. My vision has completely changed. I look at my life through completely different eyes these days. I realize that as I've grown....as I've been through the storms of life ...when I all I could see is Him... when the only thing that was solid...was Him - and as I've been walking this past particular storm through ....with Him, as always and forever- by my side ....it was interesting to discover ...that the purpose was no longer in the people or the place or the action .... but only in finding out where He was ...and not resting until I was there with Him. I have discovered that He is the purpose .... everything else simply - the place where I happened to be that His words over my life transformed me - or the people that I happened to be with ...as His truth reached over and pulled me out of the fortress I'd built around myself .... or- the actions that I was doing - as a child of Christ merely living out what every child of Christ is meant to live out - richness. serving. loving.living.discovering. - I've found that the people and places that we find ourselves in/with - are simply added richness to the already overflowing lives we are privileged to live. The people and places are witnesses to the God in my life ...as I am witness to the God in them. - but neither are the purpose. Our purpose it to pursue...and be pursued by Jesus Christ. The where, when, what, and who ... those are just ...details. I no longer look up and see Africa....or Guatemala ... or people....or time.... I see the Lord. Like ...for the first time - it's just Him. ....sure there are the desires and dreams and hopes and passions ....I believe those gifts from Him. But no longer will they take place over Him - I have found my purpose. And the beauty of it all ...as that he's so good not to rip away our desires and hopes when we turn our gaze aside or get distracted - no. He simply calls out to us - "Child....I'm here."...and then so gently and beautifully aligns our hearts with His .... the nations, the orphans, the emptied, the hungry .... lives. His heart is for lives....and when He is the purpose - than a life of ministry just falls in step with that. It's just the way it goes. That's just the way He is.

HE. is purpose. Everything else. is detail.

The last week of camp was a beautiful one for me. For a long time I've been working to show the handicapped that they are capable ....and that week I forgot that they had any incapability's. I got so wrapped up in just hanging out and building relationships - that for the first time ever, I didn't see the wheelchairs - I saw my friends. The people who trickled out of the dorms with quilts, coffee, and cookies - and sat outside in the freezing cold with me as we talked of a great many things - life as a handicapped in Guatemala - life as an American in Guatemala - Spanish - English - stories - lives - ....we covered everything. - One of my favorite examples of the friendships I was able to build - was that last night ...when all of the 180+ campers were in chapel for the last by shindig .... Gustavo came up to me ..."come on - we're going to place basketball - you're coming with us" - ..."um ...no I'm not - seriously, dude ...I don't do the whole sports scene" - "yes you are ...or I'm not talking to you anymore" (heaven forbid - he KNEW he had me wrapped around his finger, darnit!!) - "FINE ...I'll come. But I'm not playing" - "Yeah ...you are playing" - "nope." - "yes" ......Yes - I played. And hard (I'm not half bad, actually ...basketball of all things! - so does not fit the bill of a classical violinist!) - we played for 3 hours straight ...just me and the guys - oh how we laughed - they were great teachers ...fun, insistent, patient - they had it all going on. Afterwards, out of breath an exhausted, we just chilled for about 45 minutes ...a bit of small talk here and there - but really just taking in the FUN of each other. Seriously must be my favorite night EVER in Guatemala. ....the weird thing is the whole looking past the wheelchairs took place as soon as my focus on purpose went from people and places ...to the Lord. - I also realize that words like "ministry" ..."worship" ... "mission field" .... and "callings" ...are all little labeled boxes that we place what we place what we think are the definitions in ...pulling them out to look at them - perhaps walk in them a bit ....apply them to the parts of our lives that we think match up - when REALLY .... those labels are a ridiculous waste of time...if our focus is off ourselves ...really, really, REALLY off ourselves - and fully on Christ - those things fall into place easily. The life that we so spend time focusing on ...trying to figure out just how we fit in - is so much simpler than we allow it to be. ....this God, so incredibly complex and intricate ....is the most simple and beautiful to serve - more so than I feel like we can possibly grasp. Let go of labels, rabbit trails, and the search for purpose and meaning - and look to the Purpose and Meaning - and all and all questions you thought you had about what life holds for you - will fade in the midst of a life well lived.

I'm so grateful for flaws and flesh....I love how they bring Jesus closer every single time without fail. I'm so blessed that I can point to the hardest things that I've had in my life ....and say "THAT is how I know the God whom I serve". I can't wait to see Him face to face.

It all comes back to worship

2008-11-30T11:26:00.000-08:00

I've had little bits of time to put this post together - forgive me if it's scattered. =)

Wow. I think the past three weeks has left me with one defining thought - everything comes back to worship. God has done so much in the past 3 weeks - I hardly know how to keep up. I've been on overload trying to stop my craziness long enough to process it all.

Two parts of this I can share ... the other part - is still in process =)

The first is my sister's wedding. wow. To be able to stand up with her at the alter ...as a witness to all that God had done in her years of knowing Scott. - To see how God had brought them on very separate journeys - in order to prepare them for each other - and for an even greater purpose ... a ministry twice as strong - a life lived together that in every way would speak worship to Jesus Christ. - beauty. ...to look beyond the radiant couple to the rows of friends and family ...also standing as "so great a cloud of witnesses" - each person representing a different phase that God walked them through - to me that was incredibly powerful. - And the music... each of the pieces that Melissa selected for the wedding ...was absolute worship -

"How Beautiful/the radiant bride/Who waits for her Groom/with His light in her eyes/How Beautiful/when humble hearts give/The fruit of pure love/so that others may live"

"How beautiful/the feet that bring/The sound of good news/and the love of the King/How Beautiful/the hands that serve/The wine and the bread/and the sons of the Earth"

"Filled with wonder/Awestruck wonder/At the mention of Your Name/Jesus, Your Name is Power/Breath, and Living Water/Such a marvelous mystery"

You're My Beloved/You're My Bride/To sing over you is My delight/Come away with Me My love

"Let everything that has breath...praise the Lord" - this wasn't a request from the Lord - this was more like...a statement. "Everything that I've touched - WILL praise Me. It can't help but praise Me. - I AM the beginning and the end. The first and last. The everlasting God who's creation was put in place ... to worship."

::~::~::

And then of course ...there are my children. *Grin* ...how could every single part of them be anything BUT worship?? Camp has been full of beautiful, fun, crazy moments. The volunteers are AMAZING ..everyone just going all out to make sure the campers have the best week of their life.

So many stories I'd love to share - so many highlights. I think one of the main ones for me ...had to do with my new little friend, Erica. Erica has some sort of skin disorder where her skin is like ...rapidly growing all the time - so it just gets thicker and thicker ...turns rotten and brown and hard. I believe the story is that Dick was visiting her town and found her in the back room of her family's house - I've personally never seen something so bad - her skin had grown so that her entire body was drawn up and she could hardly walk. She comes across as SUCH a shy little one ...but in reality is an absolute FIRECRACKER! - I spent lots of time with her translating between her and the nurses - OH we had a blast ...but really - it was so cool to see her come out of her shell. - and amazing to see the transformation that took place as the nurses worked with her - soaking her in warm water for hours and applying meds to her skin - it went from alligator skin to a fleshy pink in just a matter of days!!!! I got to translate quite a bit between her and the nurses ...which was interesting - because she would randomly break off into Qeiche (sp?) and laugh at me when I would stop mid-sentence...stumped by what she'd said. - There was such a joy about her. - Such an innocent, free joy to live and love life despite what she'd been dealt. The little trooper would hobble through all the races and contests that were set up ...nothing could detour her.

You wouldn't believe all the different physical issues these people have to deal with - and yet their lives are a dance. - A dance of grace and passion and joy and strength. hmmm - I am struck most with the grace with which they survive...I know :) how can people in wheelchairs and crutches be graceful?? Well when I think grace ... I think of a strength that comes in time of my weakness. I think of a beauty in time of brokenness. I think of dancing on the feet of Jesus when I'm not able to dance on my own. - There is something so gorgeous about that kind of vulnerability to me ... it's humbling and hard and...impossible. But because there is such a level of desperateness for Him - it ends up look to me, as the most beautiful grace. So despite their broken bodies ... they walk in more strength than I will ever know. To me ....that kind of strength ...is absolute worship.

Life. The very word is worship. ....He is the author of all life. He created each of us - no matter what we look, feel, act, or live like - to worship. To me, it's incredible how even the air that we draw into our lungs is worship ... acknowledging his artistic beauty. And in the hard things this life brings to us - our desperation...our "endness" that we come to - is worship because it's when His strength shows us how very powerful His love is. Honestly, I can't look at anything in my life ... and not see something that in someway doesn't glorify Him. - It has nothing to do with me ... it has to do with the fact that anything and everything that He touches (which is pretty much everything in life) - is worship. The hard - times of vulnerability where we fall on our faces and express the need that He's seen all along. The easy - when we dance in joy and love with the Savior of the world. The beautiful - that in such simple ways mirrors Himself. The "ugly" - that we look at and wonder "why" ... and He answers with, "my child...look through my eyes - and in this too ...you will see beauty beyond compare" -

"My heart and my flesh cry out for the living God" Psalm 84:2

To live. is to worship. -

So live fully. He is worthy of it.

Witness

2008-10-27T12:28:00.000-07:00

"We speak what we know and testify what we have seen" -John 3:11

Something I've been noticing as I've been in Guatemala...is first off, in the scope of all the need - how little I actually do each day...and yet how much is accomplished because of the presence of the Lord in me. I can work my tail off ... and yet look up and feel as though I was on the sidelines all day - watching as the glory of the Lord unfolds on, over, and through the lives He's breathed Life into. ~ I get the funniest feeling that He doesn't have me there because he can't necessarily get a certain something accomplished without me ...rather I'm there to be a privileged witness as His glory is made manifest.

A few days before my departure from Guatemala for the month of November - I went with Dick up to the coast to visit several different families - all of which had children of various special needs. Oh it was a perfect, perfect day - I love going out into the villages because it's there that you get to take in what the *real* Guatemala is. I loved the feeling of Dick and I being the only light-skinned people that we came in contact with during the whole trip ... and the coast is almost like entering an entirely different country all together. It's a place where westernization has yet to take hold. The men go around with slippers and shorts - period=) Everyone is on bikes or mopeds. The look of the people is different as well - almost Indonesian ... but not. Hard to explain - the only really description is beauty. The people are so beautiful. - They have in common though, with the rest of Guatemala -the look of being overworked, hardened by the realities they face each day, and each of them old before their time.

To me, the whole day felt as though I was walking in Jesus' footprints. It was almost surreal....humbling and powerful. It was as if I was witnessing Him in action. It's so hard to put it into words - but knowing that with every stop we made ... every conversation that we had with the different people we came in contact with...with each child I held in my arms - it was as if every part of every moment was Jesus - Jesus in the faces that I saw...Jesus in the smiles and tears...Jesus in the actions of loving and serving... Jesus in the fellowship with each other ... I'd never been to those homes - never seen those faces ... or heard the voices - but they were as dear and familiar to me as they would be had I grown up around them...it was a feeling like the one I'd expect to have going to the places Jesus was while here on earth ... that kind of wowed "this is incredible ...Jesus has so totally walked the place where I'm standing right now!"
Familiar in the same way that His voice is in my life. The familiar that goes soul deep and warms you from the deepest parts of your being. I've walked after the Lord for a long time ... *smile* ...at least I've tried. But to walk with Him ... to experience Him with such realness ... to realize just how much of Him I witness on a daily basis - it's kind of thrown me. I realize that to be a Believer ... to see, hear, and do in His name ... are simply ways to witness Him at different angles, each more beautiful than the last. To walk through each moment, recognizing that every time my heart gets stabbed with pain for Alex ...I'm witnessing a glimpse of His grief, not only for Alex - but for what must be millions of children that I don't even know exist...but that He carries - in the palm of His hand. And when I laugh as Robbie tries to throw a punch at me ..Mr tough stuff...or when I wrestle with Moi and we delight in each other's company - I witness a glimpse of the joy He takes in all of His beloved children. When I look in shock at the living conditions of the families that Dick and I visited that day ... houses that

that looked no different than the "forts" my brothers and I would build in the woods growing up - made of tin and plastic - nothingness. Literally. Nothingness. My heart breaks - and I witness His heart of compassion as he brings a incredibly humble man who's heart He has broken on behalf of a hurting people - bearing medicine, food, and an encouraging word. And...as I come back to the place and people I've called home for 24 years - hungry for encouragement and fellowship, I witness His presence in the body of Believers I am blessed to call my church family. And as all of them hungry to hear... all of them wanting to know how to pray ... many asking about the kids by name. .... I witness the fellowship we have because of Him. And in my own dear family ... I can't get over how blessed I have been!!! - To be surrounded once more by my closest friends - my little ones - each a different shade of beautiful ..... I look at them - and witness His beautiful story of redemption and life and hope and fire and purpose.

He is such beauty to witness ... all on His own - without any help from us - His heart for people is an honor to see and experience. Who are we that He should see fit to include us? Who are we that He should take such care and joy to fill us with His marvelous Life? We are privileged. We are here to "know and testify what we have seen" - may we not rest until all we know and come in contact with - hear about this glorious, beautiful God of love - who paid for our life ....with His death.

For as long as I shall live

I will testify to love

I'll be a witness in the silences

when words are not enough

With every breath I take

I will give thanks to God above

For as long as I shall live

I will testify to love

::*::*::*::*::*::

I'm alive.

2008-10-20T05:40:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite songs on earth is called You Alone. ...nothing THAT special about it ...except the bridge. The bridge, to me - speaks for every. single. child. I know.

"I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive"

It's had a very special place in my heart for my special needs babies. For my little Alli - whom the doctors handed over to my sister while she was living here several years back "You might as well just make her comfortable - that's all you can do at this point ....She'll probably die within ten days" - Alli ...who now is a little firecracker, all of 2 inches tall - who bosses everyone around and manages to make you laugh - even at the height of her naughtiness ...my little Alli baby!!

"I'm alive"

and Seth ...with his tiny baby glasses - eyebrows furrowed as he tries to get his bearings in a new place. Seth is blind. Here in Guatemala, Seth would have a cane, a cup, and would be on the side of the street begging .... he would have no hope, no future - He wouldn't just be physically blind - but his life would be dark on every level. .... Seth is our little Osito...He's the baby of my ridiculously huge family. Like each of the other eleven darling little drops of chocolate that God has blessed our family with, Seth is the center of our world.

"I'm alive"

Matthew. Matthew has severe Cerebral Palsy. Here in Guatemala ...if he was "lucky" - Matt would end up in a place like Hermano Pedro. - He'd be confined to a bed about 16 hours out of the day. His world would be four walls. He might....might learn how how to work a wheelchair.

Matthew goes outside with all of the rest of the troops to play ... all on his own. Matthew knows his colors and is learning how to read. Matt was on a baseball team last year - MVP...non of us were surprised. - Matthew is sarcastic, ridiculous, hysterical, stubborn, brilliant. Matthew is the life that steered mine towards Guatemala ...towards Hermano Pedro.

Matthew is ALIVE...

Yesterday on the way to church I heard my name being yelled across the street - I turned to look - and there was Dick with his usual herd of 8-10 boys =) 3 of them were pushing Moi across the street as he called out my name...another 4-5 helping out Byron navigate his tank of a chair over the bumpy streets.

I grinned ... "HEY Moi!!! Hey guys!!" =)

"*squeal*" - "BYRON!! ...hey buddy!!! - you get to come to church too, huh? HECK yeah!" Byron responded with a huge grin - the one that kind of takes over his face :)

Once inside the coffee shop that serves as our church, Dick hauled Moi and Byron over his big shoulders and lugged them upstairs, one at a time - and worship began.

Up ahead of me Dick took up an entire row of chairs with his boys. He held By in his arms as the song began

"You are the only one I need, I

bow all of me at your feet, I

worship you alone"

I caught Byron's eye and we twinkled at each other .... the more delighted he got...the more he had no control ...and his arms and head would go all over the place - *grin*....pretty much. adorable. pretty much ...life is just TOO good :D

"You have given me more than,

Icould ever have wanted

and I want, to give you

my heart and my soul."

Mel stood beside me with Madi in her arms .... Madi had her eyes closed .... both chubby arms raised heavenward....worshipping.

"I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive"

I sat there thinking. Alli, Seth, Matt, Moi, Byron, Robbie, Diego, Juver, Lionel, Carlos .....

I'm alive! I'm alive! I'm alive! I'm alive!

Almost as if in unison - they are each making a declaration....a defiant declaration in the face of one who would have the world believe that all is lost - and that God has failed.

I'm alive! I'm Alive! I'm ALIVE! I'M ALIVE!!

With their lives ... these children have declared war on the enemy. With his life ... my little Alex, who grieves me with every struggling breathe .... has declared war on the raging lies of Satan. Nothing can or will ever convince me that God has failed. Nothing will ever convince me that these children's lives are sad waste. They are life. They are His purpose and passion ... they will dance before my Father in victory and strength - their laughter that now is rare ....will echo across the lengths of heaven.

He is not absent. He is not standing back. He's fighting. With the first sin committed in a garden, His heart broke on behalf of a world that would now find itself in pain. With the first sin committed in a garden, He put to action a plan of Life - a sacrifice that would cost him dearly...more than we will even comprehend.

The fight against the darkness and pain that we find ourselves surrounded by started... and will end in the shadow of the Cross.

:::I'm alive:::

The battle was won before it even had time to start.

though I speak with the tongues of angels, but have not love...

2008-10-11T08:59:00.000-07:00

Living here isn't always full of the moments of glory and revelation. It's not always deep thoughts and writing on walls. So much of the time, it's the mundane ... it's me being full, in the flesh, ....me. The romantic part of me prefers to have huge dramatic things happen ...the looking into a raggedy child's eyes and hearing God's voice of revelation in my ear. - it is the mission field after all, right? =) It has always been an exalted place in my heart. ...instead of life being lived as it should always be lived ... only in a different place.

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal

Yesterday was less than glorious. I failed.

There are beggars all over Guatemala. All over. - some, in my very "wise" opinion are the "real thing" - others ....well - aren't. And usually...the distinction is pretty obvious. It's the clean verses the one who wreak several feet away ... it's the crippled and the kids with their faces stuffed in bags ...eyes as empty and old as if they were merely walking dead ... verses the ones with combed hair and new clothing with the McDonald's bags in their hands. - The ones who I've deemed poor enough to pity ...break my heart. The others ...irritate me.

And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing

One of them - a woman with two sons ... has made me especially angry. She drugs her baby so deeply that it almost looks dead .... and in the pouring rain, will take the shoes off her two year old ....and hide them in her pocket so that he looks a bit more ragged and without - trying to provoke pity from those passing by. .... she'll open her mouth slightly ...as if in a stupor - but if her small son for even a moment, gets up and wants to play - man, will she snap out of that stupor quickly and jerk him back to the ground, shoving the bowl intended for coins into his lap - muttering to him harshly in one of the many mayan dialects. ....for what she is to those two children ... I've not been able to help but dislike her.

And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.

Yesterday I walked past her ...and once again witnessed her jerking her toddler down beside her. I gritted my teeth, fought the urge to snatch him away from her and then walked past.

"Give to her."

walked a bit faster

"Turn around and give to her"

"I'm sorry, Lord. I just can't .... you know I can't support her - she's just a lazy, abusive mother"

silence.

for the rest of the day .... silence. ....but my thoughts screamed at me.

I have absolutely walked in self righteousness. I've deemed who is worthy to receive and who is not. I've looked upon people in their need and decided who deserves my grief over their plight and who doesn't. I've played God as I've sought to be Jesus to these people.

Who exactly do I think I am? What gives me the right to decide what is need ... and what is not?

And what if God worked the way I did yesterday? What if He looked at my life ... and was like - "You know ... in comparison to those who've been raped, starved, and tortured ... your need really isn't that great. Get over yourself, get up ... and get your act together" ... I just can't even begin to imagine what that would look like. That's not the kind of loving God I know. ...the One who has NEVER for one moment stopped pursuing me. The One whom I want to represent in every way. ....That's not my God.

Yesterday was one of the low points. Yesterday I told God no. Yesterday I looked at a woman through my own blind righteousness and deemed her unworthy of my/His unconditional love.

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

::: Love never fails:::

And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love,

I am nothing.

this is enough.

2008-10-07T16:47:00.000-07:00

I've asked myself ever since I've gotten here - when I stand at this vast doorway with so much need that grabs for my attention and heart space .... "Am I doing enough?"

What is enough? What is the MOST I can do? How can I possibly fit as much ministry as I can into this season in Guatemala?

~::~Veronica ....Vero ~::~
Vero is ten. She's alive and beautiful ... full of grace and energy...full of laughter and starved for relationship. She's my right hand man as I go from kid to kid brushing teeth and wiping faces - she's right there behind me in her wheelchair, reading the names off the labeled toothbrushes and handing them to me ...face all sunny with delight. - Today I signed her out and took her to the park - but first we stopped off at my favorite frozen yogurt shop and together we painstakingly chose from the millions of delightful flavors they have to offer ...eyebrows furrowed, nose wrinkled - she was a bit frustrated .. she couldn't see over the tall counter because her wheelchair was so low to the ground .... what the heck, I thought ...this sure isn't going to work - So without further hesitation, I leaned over, unstrapped her - and lugged her up to the counter ....much to the employee's dismay - She squealed so loudly...that people passing by peeked into the shop to see what the commotion was all about - After changing her mind several times, Vero finally chose M&M's as her flavor ...I chose melon - I handed her BOTH cups telling her that if she dropped even a SINGLE BIT ...I was going to give her a bath in the huge fountain in the middle of the park ;) - her reply was to roll her eyes and tell me to hurry up and push her across the street. Traffic came to a halt - and we bumped our way across ....Vero spilling not only a SINGLE drop ...but over half the cup by the time we reached the other side. - I asked her where she wanted to sit and after much debate, we finally chose one near the edge of the park - there we sat chattering like sisters, listening to the different ring tones on my cell - discussing our our favorite ones ...I french- braided her hair ....we just hung out for good hour - soaking up sister time. .... it was beautiful.

~::~Alex~::~
I've written about Alex ....for years, I think. He's my little one - a little dearheart that I would adopt this moment if I could. Alex ...he doesn't talk - he hardly moves on his own at all ....maybe - maybe lifts his hand every once in a blue moon - but that's it. I've discovered that he can communicate (what?!?!) ....we sat and cleared throats back and forth at each other for a good 45 minutes at one point - and this afternoon ... I just soaked him in for about 1 1/2 hours - I sang, I prayed over him, I told him everything that was beautiful about him ...everything I love about him - and then kind of randomly - I told him that together, we are going to count to ten - but for every number I used ...instead of only using words - I would blink .... 1 (blink) .....2 (blink, blink), and so on - and he GOT IT!!!! ...and he FOLLOWED ME!!! - all the way up to ten (blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink) - big grin on his face afterwards .... Alex - nine years old who is skin and bones ...and often too exhausted to even make eye contact ...counted/ blinked his way to ten. ...can I please just stop this post right now and cry. JOY!! Alex communicates, world!!! - and get this .... I got to WITNESS it!!!!

~::~ Lionel ~::~
Daily I go up into the malnutrition ward to check on my little miracle baby, Lionel - and daily there is progress - thank You, JESUS!!! - But yesterday ...I wanted to dance. His eyes lit up with recognition when he saw me ...we sat there grinning at each other like monkeys ...."oh stop" I told him ...." just because you're perfect doesn't mean a THING!!" (I can't seem to stop the sarcasm - and the little darlings just laugh along with me =) - but his eyes kind of softened and drooped ...and I thought he was going to fall asleep - so I turned to leave .... and I felt a tiny feather of a hand lay across mine - I stopped in my tracks and turn around - Lionel ...all on his own - had reached over to the edge of the bed and taken my hand. My God .... do You REALLY want me to burst through my skin with joy ...do You REALLY want my heart to explode?!?!?!

"Daughter ... there is always and forever need. Your heart will always and forever be pulled by a heartbreaking compassion in a thousand different directions - this is called Love. This is the Me ... in you. - Enough isn't defined by how much, how long, or how much is sacrificed for you to be here. Enough ... happens when you are a willing vessel - in My hands - wherever you happen to be at the moment. "

Enough. doesn't take place after working years to accomplish some lofty, self -set goal in ministry.
Enough. isn't a number.
Enough. isn't something we can point to ourselves and gain glory from.

Enough

is the heart of God put into action through honored and enriched vessels

every moment. of every day.

~::~::~::~::~::~

To Sing Over You is My Delight

2008-09-29T22:19:00.000-07:00

Today held going into the city with Mel. A trip to the Embassy to get passports - hers renewed. mine re...made? done? - whatever - seeing as how it was stolen(!!). Anyway ... we kind of had an American day ... ate at Chilli's - went "shopping" - meaning we walked the mall, tried things on, and just had some good old girlie time together - it's kind of my favorite.

::~::~::~::~::~::~::~::

I'll breathe My life inside of you

I'll bear you up on eagle's wings

And hide you in the shadow of My strength

but the best part of the day was a call I received from Dick at around 2:30 or so - "Lionel is in my arms...", he said - "and he looks better than he did before the seizures - he's even been laughing a bit" ... I wrote a friend later - that I can't really begin to imagine what a beautiful sound that little laugh must be.....

I'll take you to My quiet waters

I'll restore your soul

Come rest in Me and be made whole

I must praise my Jesus. Is this not His way ... his beautiful way of restoration? Every time I come in contact with a story, a situation, ...anything like this - it forever points me back to my own life ... my own walk - everything about me points to His absolute faithfulness and compassion and mercy. My heart is full of love for this God. I don't understand Him. - I don't understand why it is ...that when I heard of Lionel's seizures ... my heart dropped - but I carried it to Him ... knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that He. Is. Faithful. ...faithful and good - and that my broken heart was a mere shadow of the pain in His .... and how, in the same breath ...as soon as I received that call from Dick, my instant thought was, Lord - could you possibly be anymore good?? - I don't know how everything, ...everything reverts back to Him and His constant goodness. ...and how it has nothing to do with our "faith" or "maturity" ...rather a simple knowing - that no matter what....Jesus Christ is a foundation that no storm can wash away- the same way you know that the air you breath is what keeps you alive day after day. - it's just ...known. not to be argued with.

But Lionel...

I want to cry and laugh and hope for Lionel again. I want to hear his laugh...I want to see his eyes bright instead of clouded over and full of panic. - So tomorrow I go ...full of hope - full of expectancy that my Father ...the Father of the fatherless - is indeed good. Who's story for Lionel one of hope- and Who's plan for him is one beyond my imagination.

I trust You, Jesus...

Under My mercy Come and wait

Till we are standing face to face

I see no stain on you My child

the physical. the spiritual. the emotional .... He calls to all of it in us. He calls to every part of it. Can't you just hear His voice sing over you as He clothes you in light. As he strips away layer after layer what life has laid over you - bathes you, and then draws you in ....

"Come. By My blood you are stainless ...you are to be clothed in love and mercy and grace and peace. I have accomplished redemption. Death and flesh have no power over you .... but My Life reigns - and My heart for you goes deeper and beyond what you can begin to comprehend. - Come, My precious child who I long for .... you are My heart."

THIS is our God. The God who weeps over the orphan shivering in the alley ... who dances with the child healed of pain that was once crippling .... who is about the business of salvation.... and who will fight for those who cannot. The God of absolute, uncontrollable, and undeniable ....Love.

...this is MY God.

. weakened by the force of his eyes.

2008-09-21T22:55:00.000-07:00

:::you're beautiful:::

hard day at Hermano Pedro today. Lionel, the little boy ...our little beacon of hope had a seizure. he's been put into isolation... I couldn't get in to see him. my heart is kind of killing me right now. worried sick about this little light that has cap
tured everyone's heart. - i remember when Dick first brought him in ....he'd been telling me about him for a couple of weeks - this tiny kid ...9 years old - weighing 17 lbs, named Lionel. he was wrapped up in this blanket .... i couldn't believe that a nine year old boy could be so tiny and frail. never have i seen such a harsh picture of starvation before.

::and I am weakened by the force of your eyes::

BUT ...four days later - we went in to see him ...and he'd GAINED 4 pounds, according to Dick - and his tiny little face had filled out just a bit ...and his eyes were sparkling - it seemed to me that he had "hope" written all over him. every time I've peaked in to check on him since, he's been getting better, little by little - and then this seizure happened this morning.... kills me to think of how on earth his tiny frame could withstand a seizure. :::I called my mom up afterwards ...a bit of a mess - if there is ANYTHING that we come together, it's these children. And there is just something about sharing these kid's stories and needs - instead of keeping them to myself ...that seems to be important. Each of them is worthy of being sick with worry over ...each deserves to be honored by being talked about, laughed over and wept over - their lives don't just begin and end at the doors of Hermano Pedro - no. i will honor them by bringing their lives to the attention of all i know. - Please, to anyone reading this - please keep Lionel in your hearts and prayers ...his life is such a gift to all of us who have come to know him.

::So tie me to a tree and let the smoke and ash collect

No, I won't regret to let love do what love will let

We can drown in mixed emotions or walk across an angry sea

This is the cost of being free::

due to my taking care of Madi girl in Mel's absence I've not been to Hermano Pedro but once in the past several days. I've missed it. today brought with it a new team. a great team. one of those teams that walked through and wept over these children who've taken over my heart. too many walk through and then walk out ...unfazed. - I'm forever surprised by the different waves of emotion each ward brings - and always, always ...taking a group through - no matter how long I'm there each day - brings everything back new as if I too am seeing it for the first time. I'm always so excited by it...even though it's so hard. i never want to become used to the need. i want always to be grieved by it. i don't want my tears to dry or my heart to stop aching...because from the tears and the ache, comes the fire and passion to be used - to bring change. i must always be on fire. there must always remain in my heart that passion to be a vessel of LIFE.

I'm gonna show you love in every language

I'm gonna speak with words that need no form

I'm gonna give you what you never had before

::~::~::~::~::~::~::~::~::

Hands Open. Palms Up ....Surrender

2008-09-18T09:17:00.001-07:00

Today - I saw the very same woman who took my bag (along with my journal) at McDonalds. And I had a crazy God moment ... I felt no anger towards her - just sadness. She looked absolutely miserable ... refusing to look me in the eye or even acknowledge my presence ... there was no joy about her at all - and no, I don't think she looked that way simply because of stealing the bag ... but just generally - I had to wonder to myself... what does her life look like? How did she grow up? ....it takes a lot of hard things to draw every last bit of sparkle and joy from someones countenance - so how did she get here?? I can't seem to stop wondering. I can't seem to get her off my heart ....

"God break my heart for what breaks Yours. Everyday give me Your heart's eyes to look at this world through."

~::~::~::~::~::~::~::~::~

Nothing compares to
Life I have in You
Nothing of this world satisfies
So, I want to let go
I want to let You know
All that I have to give is Yours

Our last team that was down here was something special ...as all teams are. - But the one thing that has stood out to me - was a group discussion we had near the beginning of the trip....and one thing that one of the team members said -

"We have to walk through life holding onto what God gives us with hands open and palms up in surrender" - not his exact words... but that's the way it's stuck in my mind.

Is it possible for a mere phrase to become a constant theme in your walk with God? a question that, in everything that comes up .... you ask yourself?

Everything, for me - comes down to surrender. Not just the things I desire ... but the things He places in my life - the things I want to push away.

Now. the discovery for me - is that with surrender.... comes absolute and complete freedom - When all in your life is accepted and embraced...and then laid at His feet - you find yourself walking in His fullness - you find open channels and you hear His voice in every moment...you get the privilege of walking alongside Him - instead of forever being pulled along because you're holding back on/from Him. -

Here I am

As gold to the fire

I will surrender to Your hand

To this place

Lord, I have come ready for Your touch

It reminds me of the story of Hannah and Samuel ... there was nothing more in life that she wanted..than a child. - And what did she do when God answered her plea? ...She handed Samuel right back to God. It's the same with Abraham and Isaac ... his one and only son that he FINALLY had - God required him as a sacrifice ... and Abraham surrendered. - I want my life to speak surrender. I want every Isaac...every Samuel that He's given me - turned back around and placed at His feet. -

They were never mine to begin with.

Community

2008-09-16T14:09:00.000-07:00

I'm a country girl by nature. I've lived out in the middle of nowhere since I was 6 years old. I've loved my open fields with the huge trees that outline them - I've loved having Pickton General as our one and only "store" - I've loved having ZERO stop lights and having long, beautiful country roads to take my babies for walks on...

- I've always loved my quiet life with my family as my closest circle of friends. It's been peaceful and I love that God placed me within that kind of life - it was a wonderful way to grow up...but there are things I missed - that I'm just now realizing.

Community - real, live community. - conversations with the same people everyday.

Antigua is tiny - probably as small as Picton....ok ...maaaaybe a tad bigger ;) - but about 20 times the amount of people. Instead of acres of open fields - the are rows and rows of houses, buildings, tiny shops ... it's like this little hideaway -

Today I took Madi's hand and we walked to a nearby tienda where our good friend ...the - tienda man (obviously, we have yet to learn his name) stood waiting. He holds out his arms and Madi runs into them - as if greeting a long, lost family member ... he and I look at each other in delight over this little brown berry who brings such joy to whomever she comes in contact with. - They had a lovely conversation about the different items in his pint-sized store, and then Madi said her typical 10 million adios's - and back down the street we went.....down to the clothing store that holds all of 20 women's blouses - as well as a tiny boy about Madi's age ....they always greet each other when we pass by - and today was no exception. There was OH so much to catch up on since yesterday!! - so naturally sit I on the side lines as the two babies squat down and chatter. Mission accomplished, Madi grabs my hand and grins up at me as if to say, "Seriously... could life get ANY better" - I can't resist...I simply MUST cover that little face in kisses - much to her annoyance - she wriggles down and plods forward ...her little rear sticking out under her mini skirt - oh such cuteness!! We walked and walked - her in search of new best friends; and me out for some milk and toilet paper ...odd combo, I know - but you need what you need, right?? Soon we come to the group of older ladies who, like every other Guatemala, have taken it upon themselves to see to it that these crazy Gringos are taking care of their children properly. - They greet me with warm smiles ...and then turn to inspect Madi's attire ....

clean diaper? - check
runny nose? no? ..good! - check
clean clothing that is warm enough (aka HOT!) - check
shoes (these are an absolute MUST people...without shoes, who knows WHAT evil infection a child might catch)? - check
hair properly combed? - check

a nod of approval in my direction? - check

I must be doing well to gain such approval! =) *smile* I love how the people in general dote on Madi - I love how they all feel responsible for her upbringing ...without being asked. - I love this part of community.

I love going to the park each day and seeing and knowing 5-10 people I know and sitting down next to them and having a conversation just because....

I love how time sloooooows down here - but also how your days are busy and full of purpose.

I love that I get to serve in a place that I love and am so much apart of. - I. am. so. RICH!

Thank you, Jesus for this season.

- btw, for all of my Spanish speaking readers =) ... be patient with my efforts to write my little Spanish words - there are REASONS that I'm planning on Spanish school ;)

I'm not a stranger. I am yours.

2008-09-11T23:47:00.000-07:00

Tonight I met Jesus again... my "inasmuch" Jesus. - years ago I had an encounter with the Lord that was convicting and beautiful and really hard and AMAZING - it was everything. I've blogged about it many times - it was all over a blind beggar who I'm ashamed to say that I'd walked past many times - and randomly ...God stopped my in my tracks ... asking me why I was leaving Him behind ... wow - I want to cry when I think of such an act...leaving my Jesus behind.

long story short - every time I see that man ... I automatically go back to that point in time when God so heavily convicted me about my walking out the "inasmuch as you have done it to the very least of these, my brethren - you have done it unto me" - thus he's my "Jesus".

Tonight though - tonight as we were walking down the street, this look of pity came over Mel's face and she stopped mid-sentence and pointed ... there he was again trying to cross an incredibly busy section of the street. His staff stretched out before him trying to "see" with it. - Here in Guaty ...drivers stop for no one ... it's dog eat dog on the streets and you've got to be quick and wary - for one who's able bodied...it's not so much of problem - but there in the street ...no one was stopping for him - anytime he'd try to step out, they'd honk at him and he'd shrivel back. Scared. The picture of what his entire life must be like flashed before me in those few seconds ...

"I'm not a stranger"

....blindly angered by the oncoming traffic, I step out into the middle of the road and hold my hand up ....

"No I am yours"

still angry at the response of the people towards a helpless man.... I walk back to the side of the road and take his hand and arm - "you're ok now. can you walk with me?"

"A fragile flame aged is misery"

"Gracias, Senorita ... there is another street to cross beyond this one - can you help me with that one too?"

"And when our hearts meet..."

"Si, si ...esta bien, Senor ...ok -step up here..."

"I know you see"

"Ok Aqui esta. Esta bien?" - "Si, Senorita - esta bien. Muchas gracias para todo"

"I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye"

And to think ... what I would have missed had I continued to pass by Jesus...

What would I have missed had I not looked him in the eye?

conviction sets in...

Anger at the crowd? - Ingdignation on behalf of this man?

Was I myself not blind to him just a few short years ago? - Did I not walk past my Jesus many times over? .... forgive me

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

Abundance.

2008-09-07T09:54:00.000-07:00

"The Lord makes poor and makes rich; He brings low and lifts up. He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the beggar from the ash heap to set them among princes and make them inherit the throne of glory. ...For the pillars of the earth are the Lord's and He has set the world upon them. He will guard the feet of His saints ... for by strength, no man shall prevail...but He will give strength and exalt the horn of His anointed" -1 Samuel 2:7-10

I love that no matter what - the power of God's love and wisdom and strength overcomes every.single.thing that life brings. And I love that His grace fill every moment of my life. - Over the course of my life, God has filled me with promise - "only after you cross the bridge - will it break" - "I will take the names of the Baals from your mouth and you will remember them by their name no more" - what beauty is this - He blows my mind.

My days at Hermano Pedro grow longer as it seems that there is little else in Antigua that captures my heart as much as the people I find within these walls. Tomorrow I take the older boys swimming with the therapists... I'm excited - the pool is always a delight for the kids in HP. And any crazy fun I can have with them is always a plus. - I was actually thinking today - what would it look like to take some of these kids to the zoo in Guat city...? - it might be a stretch but MAN would they have a blast. - I feel like I'm finding my niche here ...the Belin ward in the morning to help with feeding, brushing teeth, and cleaning - with my little girl's help of course - Sonia (14?) and Veronica (10) are my little buddies...eager to help at any and every turn - in fact (interesting situation) - we had a bit of an argument...well they did anyway - about just WHO would get to hold the bucket with the toothbrushes in it following behind me as I went about my job of brushing teeth - I tried to keep a straight face ....but picture two little girls tattling on each other to me (who speaks the WORST Spanish I have EVER heard) - and me responding in Spanglish ... oh it was a sad sight! Luckily we got through it ...and moved on - Veronica was promised that she could clean the brushes - and Sonia would have to settle for only getting to hold the bucket during teeth brushing time. - Oh but I love, love, LOVE my life here - I love my children. They bring me such peace. I adore walking in each morning and calling out, "Buenos Dias!!" - and hearing Veronica screeching my name in response "MARIA!!!! - do I get to help you today?!?!" - or (David (14) give me a huge grin and say "Hi. How are you" (He's incredibly proud of his English, btw) ..."fine, David - thank you, love!" *smile* do they get any cuter? - Another bright spot of every morning is Huber - that boy is pure delight. We were friends right from the start....

One thing I need - SPANISH SCHOOL!!! That's the one thing that drives me nuts - and even a taaad bit crazy (which is really the same thing - but whatever) The women I work with... I love! - they are amazing. One in particular, Christy - she's kind of become like a mother figure to me ...and despite the language barrier - we've grown to really love each other. - but the thing is ...I feel like I'm missing on amazing relationships and I hate that. So language school perhaps after the camps for the kids (sometime mid-December).

*Pictures coming soon* =) I got to climb Pacaya several days ago with my good friend Melvin who has been amazing at showing me things and places I didn't even know existed here in Antigua. Loveliness!

I miss my violin. I miss playing SO badly - it's only been a month and a half - but without it, part of me is definitely missing. - I'm so grateful for the gift of music!

More soon!

I will never forget.

2008-08-31T19:09:00.000-07:00

Come stop your crying. It’ll be alright.
Just take my hand – hold it tight
I will protect you from all around you.
I will be here, don’t you cry

For one so small you seem so strong
My arms will hold you keep you safe and warm
This bond between us can’t be broken
I will be here, don’t you cry

I'm more than a little heavy tonight .... For a few reasons - some more than others. Right now I kind of just want to sit down and cry long and hard. I've always hated goodbyes - I've always hated feeling powerless to help... like I've said before- love is a powerful and helpless thing ... not always something you can control - nor, I think something you'd WANT to control...no matter how hard it might be to carry - The thing is this....I can't give up - even if that means just praying endlessly...then so be it - I'll pray endlessly!! - The bottom line is that I know my God - the Father of the fatherless ... is sure and strong - and that He can move in ways that I can't even begin to imagine - I know Him to be a pursuer like no other... I know that He sees the big picture whereas I only see what is before me - I have to trust Him - I have to continue to hope...

I'm reminded tonight - of a deaf boy in Liberia ...who's only way of communication was to write in the sand - and you know what he said to me?

"Please don't forget me"

Please don't forget... I wonder if he knew that I'd carry that with me always - and that from that point on ...every child's eyes that I looked into whether in Liberia or Guatemala - those words come back to me ....haunting ...pleading - Please...please don't forget - this feeling of ...like desperate determination rises up in me - I love how God trains and raises up warriors on these children's behalf - how He places a fierce protective determination that spreads like fire through you until you're consumed - and I love that I get to be surrounded by those warriors everyday. I am blessed beyond blessed.

My heart hurts.

Those eyes. Each child has the unique traits about them - something that separates them from all the others - but one thing they all have in common ...their eyes are windows into their little souls - and with one look ...if you're really seeing - you can see beyond the momentary smile or tear ... you can see the emptiness...or that of a child loved - pursued or left to fight and fail on their own - the emptiness is what tears at me without fail every time - it's the one that makes you want to quit and wish you'd never seen it ... and it's the one that makes you rise up and fight no matter how hopeless the situation might seem ... fight now- think later. Practicalities go flying out the window - and you're there once again storming the gates of heaven and seeking an answer on behalf of those unsought after - "....for of such is the kingdom of heaven"

There is no way ... no possible way - that I will ever forget.

Meet Lienal

2008-08-19T07:12:00.000-07:00

A new little boy was brought into Hermano Pedro today. His name is Lienal - he's nine years old and weighs 19 lbs. Can I just say that I don't think I've ever seen anything so heartbreaking before...nor anything so gruesome. His eyes were sunken into the back of his head and he was literally skin and bones - his skin was paper thin and his rib cage looked as though it was going to poke through his skin at any moment. He only a tad bit taller than my four-yr old-sister. It took my breathe away and I couldn't seem to stop weeping over him. It's an ache like no other to see a child suffering like that - and be able to only hold his hand and tell him in my own language that he is loved and that his life is a priceless gift - and nothing more. What I'd give to wipe the pain of starvation away. How did his situation get to be so bad? how did he end up here? - unlike so many of these kids though ... this little one has a family who loves him and loves each other - they are mayan and speak a language called Mam - I've never heard it before ... Lienal's father is all of 4 1/2 feet tall - and treated Lienal as if he was made of fine china - which...he might as well have been - the father looked at his tiny, shriveled son with pride and love ... that was really incredibly encouraging - to know that this little boy, despite his circumstances is so loved.

Dick tells me that this little boy is just one in a city of many who is slowly starving to death - and that he has worked for EIGHT YEARS to get into this city and win the people's trust. Run by superstition, the townspeople are sure that any white person entering their town are out to steal their children. - praying, praying, PRAYING that Dick will continue to find favor - I'm excited to go along with Dick to this city (I can't spell it for the life of me...I'm not even going to attempt to try :) and see what can be done - aside from the obvious of bringing the kids into Hermano Pedro where they will be fed and cared for ...

How many can be saved? How many are slipping between the cracks? How fast can we work? - More and more I'm discovering the truth of holding to the vision God gives with hands open and palms up. - More and more I'm discovering a desperateness to defend the helpless. More and more I'm seeing the face of Jesus in these children - but not longer do they look like the least of these to me ... they are rich with purpose - defined by grace - and unexpected and selfless. And all I can seem to think of as soon as I leave the hospital - is how soon can I get back to them? And why on earth do I ever have to leave them? - that's the hell of it ... the leaving. Ever notice that love is simply impossible? The soul deep love - no matter what relationship you're applying it to ... love is just a helpless place to be. -but it's rich and a life without it would be lacking in all things meaningful and good.

It's been such a good time here - I've met some really awesome people, whether through crazy amazing salsa lessons or volunteers at Hermano Pedro or those who's path I keep crossing in Central Park or the many teams that come down during the summer to work. Most of them are from Europe and Asia - and many times, we have to converse through (broken) Spanish - but it's all good ... I LOVE the travelers that roam ALL over Antigua ... those earthy, arty, soul-searching travelers who are ready to share their stories and friendships.

Thank you, Jesus for the life You bring into every moment.

Mountain Climbing

2008-08-03T11:33:00.000-07:00

Kels and I took Madi out for a little walk today- went to Santa Domingo where Kels proceeded to take some pretty darn cute pictures of our little niece. We found a HUGE "mountain" that Madi took it upon herself to climb, nearly falling off a million times - I finally had to climb up after her. She got down juuuust fine with my help - crazy how little ones are just a continual picture of God's love for each of us - how many mountains has my God carried me over - how many valleys has he walked through with me? - I hope I never go through a time where I'm not dealing through SOMETHING ... yes- it is such stress, and so much of the time it's hard - but the realness between Him and I is beyond belief. - I can't imagine life without it. or Him.

- Spent a little bit of time in Hermano Pedro today (this is for you, Ginny =) There were a few volunteers there who were giving the kids little tattoos (fake, of course) - Moises, Sonya, and Minor were deLIGHTED - chattering away with the ladies handing them out. I LOVE seeing people go crazy with those kids. - It's so easy to see them as "breakable" ... when really, most of them adore being teased and wrestled just like any other kid. It took awhile for me to learn that - well...it actually took having a brother with CP to understand other special needs kiddos. It's incredible - walking into Hermano Pedro and seeing my Matthew in each face - see what could have been ... it breaks my heart - but it also makes me realize what potential each of these kids have ... I want so much to see them realize and reach that potential. What I love - is that unlike just a few short years ago ... the culture is so much more excepting and even starting to be welcoming to the special needs - God is so good to open hearts here!!

Heading out with my Kels to Casa Bernabe on Monday ... it's been two years since I've seen it - and even when I was there, it was only a few days - I loved being there... loved seeing how things flow and how the presence of God is all over that place - so I'm excited to go back for a few days.

In other news...my blasted camera decided to stop working one flipping WEEK into my time here. Oh well...judging from the gazillion pictures I posted on facebook, I feel like there was a good chance I was getting carried away....? - whatever!

"He has made everything beautiful in it's time. Also He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the work that God does from beginning to end" Ecclesiastes 3:11 - This verse takes place of pretty much anything I could say about where I am in life - He has indeed made all things in my life...beautiful - each, in it's own time. I am grateful. I love Him.

(this picture was taken in the market at ChiChi - Mayan capital of the world... pretty much - cool

- now THAT was an amazing market =)

Team Guatemala

2008-07-30T14:52:00.000-07:00

God is so, so faithful. Team Guatemala '08 is something else. Each is rich in different ways ... some quiet, others outgoing - keeping us all laughing. Everyone...everyone has some special to bring to this time of outreach - It's a real different mix of people...not just one age group which makes things really interesting - in a good way =)

Yesterday began with each person going off and spending time alone with the Lord for about 1 1/2 hrs - then off to Hermano Pedro to be with the kids - Dick Rutgers gave the grand tour then we took some of the kiddos there to Pollo Compero's (QUITE the treat for these kids!)
Today the team went into Guatemala City to visit about 4 different ministry sights - everyone was pretty excited about that =) ::: Despite the draw to the city ...Madi girl and I stayed behind due to the fact that she's not feeling so hot - but we DID get to go on a little playdate with Kelsey and Madi's two little friends Eliana and Andrew at McDonald's ... they were a wee bit grumpy....but managed to have some fun too. ;)

One of my favorite, favorite things about being here - is that time slooooows way down - and somehow, magic takes place - and you can fit everything in! - Go up on the rooftop and you find yourself surrounded by gorgeous mountains ....perfect for an hour of God time - walk out the door to La Botagona linking arms with a sister or two ... sister/shopping time! - head out across town, through Central Park and around a few corners of bright colored buildings - and you find yourself at Hermano Pedro ... full of kids just WAITING to be poured into - I mean seriously... can it really be called ministry if you're so in heaven while doing it? - hmm, I wonder! Then meet friends for dinner or coffee - amazing, amazing fellowship. We're a crazy bunch. - I wonder too, at the depth of bonding that seems to take place so fast. There are people here who I've known for all of four days ... and yet - somehow they're family. Crazy.

I'm learning tons too. - I know =) ...I think I say that in every post- what can I say? I have lots to learn! - but really ... God has just been zoning in on my pride like crazy - mostly my false humility ... using the most unlikely things and people to show me where I lack. Even my approach to God Himself - isn't one of awe. Adoration, yes - crazy, fiery love, yes - but a reverent awe....no - and He deserves it ALL - a lifetime of me on my knees worshiping isn't near what His splendor deserves ... so to take all of who He is for granted - is not acceptable. I was just a taaaaad bit convicted of all of this after reading Luke 7:1-10 - the story of the Jesus healing the Centurion's sick servant - Jesus was blessed by this man's faith ... I was astounded by this man's humility towards Jesus - wow! It's easy to forget His mightiness when He has humbled himself by joining us on this journey ...instead of just giving us a bunch of commands and just waiting for us at the end - but He IS mighty...what we know of Him - our understanding of Him ....is such a tiny portion in the scope of who He is. - It was crazy (how many times have I used that word in this post??) - I realized this shortcoming and was completely convicted...and really just began to ask His forgiveness - telling Him all that I loved about Him and how I DO stand in awe of Him ... but, in the busyness of life - forget to acknowledge how great He truly is.....

...and, in His usual gentle way - He spoke into my heart - "Peace. Be still. - I know"

I love those words. "Peace. Be still" - He has to forever remind me of them - and I never grow tired of hearing - such love!

I told Mel later that I love how He just understands it all .... how He understands and has so much more patience with our humanness and flesh then we do - and always...always there to love during and after conviction - I love Him.

::::::::

So Mel has my camera with her in the city - so I'll post pics as soon as I get it back =) hmmm...this was quite the rambling post! I'm not sure, but I think I got carried away...just a bit ;)

I'm Home.

2008-07-25T19:15:00.000-07:00

And what's more... I'm home with my sisters.

United too with the newest Scott....

Kelsey. SO totally made to be a Scott!

I'm back with my children...

I have some fun, fun new friends who Mel has been telling me alll about that I finally got to meet

Chris and Lindsey are SUCH fun -

Chris being pretty much an amazing songwriter :p - and Lindsey ... well I pretty much think that Lindsey is downright, outright, and TOTALLY "the heart of the volcano"

*grin* ;)

::~:: Andrew, Hannie, and Charnan arrived today and we spent the afternoon hanging out with Chris, Lindsey, and Kels - lovely!

I leave you with a peak into our little apartment. ....see - this is what I have to deal with everyday. ::::: =)

Enriched.

2008-07-18T17:21:00.000-07:00

"...well the stars up in the sky, and the leaves in the tree

All the broken bits that make you trip up, and the grassy bits inbetween

All the matter in the world - Is how much that I like you"

~**~

:I had a wonderful conversation with a dear friend last night ...and another two with both of my sisters today (which, btw was hysterical...those two are scandalous! - and I love it!!) ...

:My day today was full of children. Every single moment with them counting for eternity - crazy how you FEEL the worth of time spent training them - like every moment ... is vital. You've got to catch onto everything ...be one step ahead and right alongside all at the same time - you have to (try) be intuitive, strong, gentle, firm, fun, welcoming, and safe alll in one - man, that doesn' t even cover a forth of it. You have to be everywhere and everything all at once - it's exhausting. and it's exhilarating. - motherhood must be beautiful and a little tiny bit terrifying.

:My week has been spent planning a weekend getaway for my folks - who are in much need of a break from the everyday... - it was delightful

:Everything ... from that daily craziness I find at home - to the longings in my heart to once more be on the field. from the soft Voice in my soul who is forever speaking Life into the reality of my walk - to the ridiculous amount of huge things that same Voice has brought about over the past 12 months. ...is fulfillment.

::With all of this... I realize again (I realize this all the time =) - how RICH life is...in all it's ups and downs - in the hellish and in the the heavenly - in the inbetween. ... We, each of us -are so RICH to be able to experience to be part of this incredible story, plan, and creation of this incredible God. I love knowing that no matter what conversation I have with ...no matter who - I come away different - with new thoughts to process...new feelings to absolutely treasure or have to deal through - It's odd to think that we probably change everyday...and yet aren't aware of much of the change that goes down. Well - I won't make that so general ... I'll make it personal and apply it to my own life. - but still ... takes me back to how vital the mundane is. The everyday, little "nothings" that we walk through without thinking - the nothings that shape us into who we are.

this is what I think: I think that God's goodness is evident no matter where you look. In every situation He reigns and is faithful in every aspect. I love Him with everything in me.

Seasons of Change

2008-07-13T21:25:00.000-07:00

- I am a work in progress. I find this out at the end of every season…when God begins a new season - all over again. Life is about being a work in progress -I discovered it out again today.

Seriously...Sundays exhaust me. - there isn't a single solitary time that I don't go and meet God. Am I complaining? ...no - just noticing, really. Today was no exception. I went to church with no expectations but to do my normal routine. - and God used a situation to show me how inCREDIBLY human I am - ouch, ouch, ouch!! He spoke to me about how I take my identity in the things/gifts He's given me...instead of in Who I belong to. - he's been working on stripping away insecurities from my life ... and it's been a painful process. Today was no exception - man, He's just so deliberate about everything. I used to be able to wake up and be like "oh WOW...this has really changed - how on earth did THAT happen? Thank You, Jesus - you're incredible!!" - now...it's like He's got me by the hand - and just so we don't miss anything, leads me into areas that fall short and dig through them ....innnn...sllloooowww.....mmooottttiiiooonn. -

...if only I could be looking back already ... *sigh*

He's soo at work. He's attacking my flesh methodically, continually, uncomfortably... and articulately -every.single.day - I hear myself saying things and feeling things that I don't recognize - I hear surrender in my heart - as my flesh cries out against it. I cry...all. the. time. - seriously ...I'm so not a crier - kind of prided myself on not being the kind of women who's ...well- you know - "emotional." ...:p - yes well... ANYway ;)

It's here. The time of raw realness. - Nothing makes sense. Because I'm confused. But I'm scary close to Him - where nothing has to make sense except getting MORE of Him. I'm in pain. But through it...I've passed into yet a deeper sense of His presence. I don't have a leg to stand on -but I feel like I don't NEED a leg. I've got Him to carry me. I am flat on my face. And for once - it's a dwelling place....not a figure of speech.

- my flesh wants to run...my heart stands ready

yes. I'm right where I'm supposed to be - and it's good to be here.

...Welcome, Jesus.

*edit* ...so going back and reading this a few days later - I kinda came off as depressing. =) if it helps at all ... I didn't feel depressed when writing it - just ... thoughtful :)

My heart is full of love....

2008-07-06T22:37:00.000-07:00

"To everything there is a season,

A time for every purpose under heaven"

....it's time to dance.

....sigh

... it's been a full, full three weeks. So good ....so full of life taking place before my eyes. -My dearest friend and sister - my Mel got engaged to a wonderful man last Saturday. OH it just fills me with joy for her!! there's nothing more I want than pure happiness and fulfillment in her life!! (thank you, Jesus!) God has been so intentional about putting them together ...stretching their story out over a course of almost 10 years. - I'm completely in awe of how He's gone about it all with such intricacy ... and now, more than ever - I know that when something is of Him ...there is no room for doubt - when His presence and blessing is all over something as it was with this - it is the ultimate - anything else is less than His best ...and time is too short to desire anything but His best. I also know that where His presence and blessing lie ...isn't necessarily where we think we'll find it or where we want it to be ... but oh- I wouldn't trade where I am now for anything - because here ... His peace floods me - and His comfort and grace along with it. What a beautiful, faithful God, this God of mine! I am satisfied - and restless for more...;)

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. ~Philippians

~**~

God has been taking me through such amazing processes - purging constantly ...always so gently. Today, on the way home from a weekend with my wonderful brothers - I was just soaking up time alone to share with Him things that had been on my heart lately - mostly about "next" ..."Lord, talk to me about this next season - I don't know what You have in mind. I so want a GOAL, Lord to press towards... but He stopped me in my tracks - "Stop talking and listen to Me" (lol...now THERE'S something I never hear :p) ...."oooook...?"

-It's crazy...those moments of utter TRUTH that He takes you through

- He began to show me a pattern in my life ...of goals to work towards ...and never- not once a season of just *being* - never a quiet season ...but always something to FILL that quiet - why? ...because for some reason - calm makes me nervous ....quiet is just too loud ... too full of uncomfortable realness between Him and I. - embarrassing to admit this fear ...I love Him so much... I TRUST Him so much ... yet there is something in me - that fears quiet with Him. "So", He said -"the 'next' you seek is that of standing still and seeking Me for no reason at all but to know more of Me ....Seek Me - and I will show you great and marvelous things that you do not know"

"I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me" -James

Ironic. The way He showed me this juuuust before I leave for Guatemala - the place where He always, without fail - meets me in mighty ways. - He's pretty much brilliant that way.

The Dance of Life

2008-06-18T22:28:00.000-07:00

"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains. C.S. Lewis

~I think acknowledging reality must come with maturity. There was a point in time when I refused to accept pain as a possibility in my life…I felt it for others to a certain extent - but not too much…because pain (quite obviously) is depressing. And we mustn’t go around feeling depressed, must we? - Yes. I know. I’m silly. …(I kind of knew it all along ;)
...But with time comes much opportunity to observe and discover truth for yourself.

This my truth....

With pain comes a beautiful time of dancing on the Father’s feet.

******

“Come” - He beckons me with hands extended.

“Lord, I’m afraid.”

“Of what?”

“….of falling.”

His smile fills His eyes. My heart is warmed.

“I won’t let you fall. - but you have to trust Me”

“…well - ok. If You say so”

“I say so”

So I take His hand. The dance of life begins.

Soon I stumble. The fall hurts. ….but He stoops down, comforts me. His touch is reassuring and brings healing.

“You’re doing so well, daughter. I love you. Know you are cherished and priceless in My eyes”

Soon we’re dancing again. …perhaps the rough part is over.

Yet again a fall comes…this time I’m angry at Him -

“Father, you allowed this to happen? Why? I don’t understand. How could you do this to me? Where were you when this happened?”

“That’s it, daughter - let it out. Let it go. Remember that I love you. Hold onto me”

Again we dance. We sway and turn in time to the music. He is flawless beauty and I, forever awkward. Loving Him. Worshipping Him. ...could anyone or anything be so worthy of my all as He?

But soon, all too soon - comes the greatest fall of all. I’m on the ground. Dirty, bruised, heartsick, and at my end - I can’t hear the music anymore. There is no dance left.

“Lord. Just let me be. I can’t do this anymore. Please. I have no strength. I have nothing left to give You”

Jesus sits down beside me. I look at Him in absolute vulnerability -

“….Jesus.”

“Now”, He smiles at me - “Now we can really dance”

He pulls me to my feet. Then hunkers down and gently places my bruised, dirty feet over His nail scarred ones.

“Now. Look into My eyes, beloved.”

All I see is pure, unadulterated love. I feel the pain of the fall. But I’m not alone. I’m not in despair. Hope and His fulfilling comfort surrounds and fills me.

Suddenly I realize that we’re dancing. BOTH of us flawless.

“…but how?”

“Don’t you know by now, heart? - this is the way My heart yearns to dance with you always. When there is no flesh left. It is then that your weakness gives way to My strength.

It is at that time you learn what it means to truly dance.”

“Who is this coming out of the wilderness leaning on the arm of her Beloved?”
~Song of Songs

My mind is full

2008-06-16T22:43:00.000-07:00

“I’ll stand. With arms high and heart abandoned”

….my heart is abandon, Jesus. Have Your way.

It’s been an incredibly hard month. - funny. It seems to just keep coming. Bright side is that it has this wonderful tendency to keep me continually coming back to Him for strength and affirmation as I walk.

Exhausted. I’m so in need of Him. The word ‘desperate’ comes to mind. - it’s such a good place to be.

~*******~

“… The LORD has appeared of old to me, saying: “ Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you. Again I will build you, and you shall be rebuilt, You shall again be adorned with your tambourines, And shall go forth in the dances of those who rejoice.”
Jeremiah 31:3-4

**~**~**~**

“..therefore…with lovingkindness I have drawn you.”

“….again I shall build you, and you shall be rebuilt”

“And you shall go forth in the dances of those who rejoice”

My heart melts at these words. Can anyone possibly know how truly my Jesus has brought to pass the words in my life over the last year? How He’s drawn me and how He has and still is …rebuilding. It’s been such a process of undoing and tearing down to make room for the new. For Him.

I find myself moved to tears easier these days. Feeling more deeply. …there’s more to me than I knew - and that’s a weird feeling. ...just an observation.

**~**~**~**

Question. Why is it - that we know Him. We trust Him. His love has never failed us … and yet so much of the time, His light shed abroad in our lives is such a fearful thing? Why are we so afraid to let go of that which holds us down - and step into the light? -the light holds fullness of joy. -the light is LIFE unencumbered.

**~**~**~**

It rained today. A huge storm, actually. With purple streaks of lightening and the kind of thunder that makes your heart leap out of your chest….sudden and deafening. - storms always make me just … stop and feel it…take it alllll in. Raindrops on the roof. The smell of it … how is it that rain smells so refreshing? The mist that finds you when the wind picks up. And the colors ….ever noticed how ever color takes on this incredibly deep version of itself? - today I dismissed myself from a rather chaotic dinner - and sat out on the porch and just let Him minister rest to my weariness through that storm. We didn’t speak, Him I. We just sat there and took each other in. It was beautiful.

**~~**~~**

Who IS He anyway? - I can’t stop wondering at the thought of Him. I love Him.

A new start

2008-05-24T08:34:00.000-07:00

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine,we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same."

--- Marianne Williamson

~**~

A new blog. - somehow the setting up and starting afresh is overwhelming. - like starting from scratch on a new language or a new instrument when you’re already fluent in another. - daunting. I look at my xanga though - and it just seems like old news…no matter how many times I update it. SO. …a new blog it is. =)

~**~
Guatemala beckons once more. Hermano Pedro’s children. The beggar boys on the street. The little mayan girls with their colorful clothes - beauty that covers the harshness of their lives. I love it there. I love how God clears allll distractions away and speaks to me there. This trip is shaping up to be aMAZING! - we’re taking down around 40 people this time around …crazy big number - crazy anointed group. I’m more excited about this trip than I have been about other trips in a looong time. It’s time to return. And somehow this time I’m hungrier than usual to stay. I love the rawness I find there. So excited to be able to be with my Mel again as well. Nothing like ministry alongside that woman ....and sister time is ALWAYS a plus!! =) I'm just ready....again - it's been too long since the last time I was there. ...too long.
~**~
I'm in *that* place again. The place where you find yourself at the end of one season... and yet not quite upon the next - and you're not quite sure WHAT exactly that next season holds ...but it's there - and it's calling .... God's timing is perfection - I trust him without doubt - not patiently by ANY stretch ... but still I know to trust Him. Especially after this past year - He's absolutely led me through so much, assuring me that I can trust Him all the while - so I chose to - and He did exceedingly, abundantly, above anything and everything that I could have asked for. So I know. I can trust. I love Him so much. He's everything there is.

~**~