.innocence.

 she stands barefoot at the edge of the yard, hands clasped behind her back. Strands of her long black hair has blown loose from her once tidy French braid. – her skin is fresh and beautiful and brown. She is a picture of untainted grace.

 

Her very being is winsome as she takes in life through wise eyes and lives it out with not a care in the world.  She is wisdom waiting to mature.

 

Her name is Anna and she is Innocence.

 

I stand behind her, observing. I am struck by beauty of the innocence before me.  I want to call her to me and embrace every part of her. For in her is the innocence that I find in the presence of my Father.  And surely, to embrace her is to embrace Him somehow.  But I refrain for the moment – taking in her beauty from a distance for a while longer.

 

Suddenly, the moment of stillness is broken and the small girl leaps to life as an approaching vehicle captures her attention.

 

“Daddy!!” Delight is spilled into the air as she half skips, half runs towards the car.  Her footsteps are light and barely touch the ground. “Sammy, Dad’s here!!”  - She throws the news over her shoulder to the boy bent over his fishing pole.  He looks up, distracted momentarily from his tangled fishing line –

 

“Mmm hmm”.

 

His half response brings me a smile . He’s busy with more important matters.

 

My attention is brought once again to Innocence and her Father. – His face is alight with love that surrounds her every move.  Innocence runs into the arms that envelope her with safety. For here, there is perfect freedom. The world can’t touch her.

 

“How was your day?”, asks Anna’s daddy….

 

“Daughter, pour out your heart to me.”, says the Father…..

 

“Mommy took me to the mall and I bought this new shirt. Do you like it?”  Anna steps back and turns slowly around allowing her daddy to inspect the pink knit top.

 

“Wow, that’s perfect for you. I think you look beautiful!!”

 

:::::::::

 

“Father, I walked with you throughout the day. I felt your presence in every moment.  But Lord, I looked up at one point and realized that I’m growing up and becoming familiar with the world around me. And what I see scares me and leaves me full of questions…

 

“You are my Innocent and I your Protector and Shelter.”, responds the Father “Nothing can separate you from My love – not even yourself”

 

“What if I’m not strong enough for what is out there?”  - Innocence turns around in her Father’s arms and looks deep into His promising eyes.  – His arms tightened and His eyes fill with tears.

 

“You’re not, Daughter”

 

::::::::::::

 

Anna takes her daddy’s hand and tugs him towards the house. “Can we go to see a movie today, Daddy? Can we go for ice cream? Can Abby and Amanda come too? But not Sammy ‘cause he wants to go fishing”  - Mindless of her own chatter, she continues on in the presence of her beloved daddy

 

::::::::::::

 

Her heart tights when a tear from the Father’s eye drops softly on her forehead.  And though she would be content to stay here in this place with her precious Protector for the rest of forever – there is a sense of dread that starts to form in the bottom of her soul. – She pushes it to the far corners of herself, trying to hide it from her Creator.

 

He looks. Past her eyes. past her heart. into her soul. 

 

“Daughter., I already hold the hidden of the hidden. Don’t run from Me.”

 

Avoiding eye contact, she wiggles off His lap and slowly, distractedly walks away.

 

“Daughter”

 

she continues.

 

“Innocence”

 

She slows.

 

“I have called you by name, Dearling. You will forever be written upon the depths of Who I am.  I have called you Eternal. Unending. Everlasting. – for it is not possible for Me to cease My pursuit of your whole.

 

Run from Me. And I will chase you until forever far behind us. Hide from me in the darkest corners of your flesh.  And even there you will find Me wrapped all around you.

 

I. Will. Never. Leave. You.

 

She stops.  Silence hangs .

 

Then, as he looks on, She runs. And He weeps.

 

To the lovers that have, since the beginning, called her by the name she knows. To the voices of demonic allusions. To the darkness that promises ease and nothingness, she runs. And runs. And runs. And runs.

 

“Precious”

Squeezing her eyes tight. Welcome, darkness.

 

“Beloved”

 

She puts her hands to her ears and screams.  Perfect, empty noise.

 

“My beautiful one”

 

There is roaring and raging over her.  Then beautiful void. And then silence.  ….. absolute silence.

 

She finds herself curled up in fetal  position. She doesn’t cry. She doesn’t feel. She waits for death to come forward and call her name.

 

“Esperanza”

 

Hope? – The once Innocent smiles with a bitterness that cuts the Father’s heart. –

 

“There is no such thing”.  – and the darkness dances and the lovers roar their approval.

 

“SILENCE!!!!!”

 

the darkness shrinks. The lovers quiet, and the voices still.

 

His presence is brilliant and cutting and fearful and she’s caught. –

 

Shrinking away she covers her face - “Please stop loving me. Please. Please abandon me. It’s what I want. I don’t know Your presence anymore. I’m not Innocence anymore. I’m not your Daughter. I don’t want what You offer. I don’t want You.”

 

Suddenly she realizes that she’s in His arms – and her tears find her again. She weeps.

 

“Hagar,  Run from Me. And I will chase you until forever far behind us. Hide from me in the darkest corners of your flesh.  And even there you will find Me wrapped all around you.  - “I have called you by name, Esperanza. You will forever be written up the depths of Who I am.  I have called you Eternal. Unending. Everlasting. – for it is not possible for Me to cease My pursuit of your whole.”

 

:::::::::::

 

Little Anna snuggles under her covers. Her daddy leans down and kisses her softly on the forehead. “Love you, Daddy” – “I love you too, sweetie. Sleep tight”

 

::::::::::

 

Innocence looks up into her Beloved’s eyes. “Are you really here?”

 

“I’m here. And so are you.”, responds the Father.  “You are my Innocent and I your Protector and Shelter.”, “Nothing can separate you from My love – not even yourself”

 

“We are forever.”

and so i return.

Since my last post, much has taken place.  – much. Part of that ‘much’ being that I’ve given my place as a teacher at the Scheel Center to two other women – and have returned to my place in the hospital.  – I have been made aware of how little time I’ve spent at the hospital … the same place that was my focus for being here in the first place – in my efforts to be the best teacher I possibly could be, I was quickly pulled entirely away from my children at the hospital.  – and, as ashamed as I am  to admit it  … I was ok with it. After my little Alex nearly lost his life due to the care in the hospital … that was it – I couldn’t take it anymore (crazy … how that entire decision was self-centered) – But first it was Alex … and then shortly after Chochi passed away – it was crazy that kind of loss ….so completely and utterly out of my hands – there was not one thing that I could do or say or prevent – it simply …was. 

 

And so I dove headfirst into teaching. – I found purpose there. I found a lot of learning there. – but God’s anointing was lacking…His blessing was over my teaching …simply because He is in any part of  our serving others. … but it wasn’t the same as it was when I was working at Hermano Pedro.  – There are two place in my life …where God and I absolutely meet – one is when I’m playing the violin – the other is in Hermano Pedro … one I absolutely love – the other is a battle to continue because to love in Hermano Pedro is to constantly place your heart on the line…having no control over what takes place. It’s funny … someone told me that I was taking the easier road pulling away from teaching and going back to Hermano Pedro – but no … I took the easy road when I LEFT my children at Hermano Pedro.  – in teaching …there is no risk – in Hermano Pedro …there is absolute and pure joy …but also daily heartbreak.  That hospital is just about the only place where there is no focus on “me” whatsoever – I leave my flesh at the door and enter to face a reality of lives who have known nothing outside the compounds of the wards in which they live. 

 

Something that I discover more for myself everyday … is that a life lived for “self” – couldn’t possibly be more empty.  It is a pleasure that is only momentary leaving you wanting for more.  … there is so much about this life that I remain clueless in … seeking and searching out truth, - but there are things that have stood the test of my entire life – 

 

::Pouring into other’s lives … is a rarity … a beauty that is not often enough lived. I want to learn to walk in this way of life without even thinking – as a reflux..  I am eternally far from that as I stumble through this life so very selfishly  - but it is my desire … because I have experienced a life lived for others during different seasons in my life  - and there is simply nothing richer.

 

:: There is so much about Christianity and the church … that I simply do not get – I’ve never been remotely theologically minded so much escapes me … but this I do know – Jesus Christ is the love of my life…I don’t, for the life of me – understand Him J - but I love Him. I want His truth untainted by humanity …perhaps that’s presumptuous – perhaps I won’t know or understand until I get to heaven … but I want my journey here to be always, always towards that truth….towards His heart for the lives He’s created.  – How beautiful His heart must be.  … how I long to see it fully.

 

O to grace how great a debtor

daily I'm constrained to be!

Let thy goodness, like a fetter,

bind my wandering heart to thee.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,

prone to leave the God I love;

here's my heart, O take and seal it,

seal it for thy courts above.

 

“bind my wondering heart to Thee” … beautiful – This God I love … even at the deepest darkest moments of my wonderings … He seeks me out to pour out the truth of His love on His silly, headstrong daughter. – His love makes me ache.

Little by little/ Poco a poco

My kids at the Scheel Center - I have such a mixture of words to describe them. - There is this thick, thick layer of self preservation they each surround themselves with. - For some, this is defiance. For others, the art of manipulation.  - Still others, the victim mentality and game. As I come to know them ... I have discovered the arrogance of generalization and the pricelessness of seeing individuals. The latter is overwhelming and often seemingly impossible to take in - 3 different classes of unique individuals, each of whom has a story ... a history all to his/her own - soul full of strengths and weaknesses - a life crying out to be known. Crazy ... the first time I walked into a class ... all I could see was a sea of beautiful faces - an overwhelming task of somehow persuading them to grasp the gift of a new language that I offered. - Hoping upon hope that they would fall in love with me as I was with them. ...and knowing that I was going to have to first earn their respect - before their love. I came wanting to captivate their interest and cultivate their minds  - and it's taken a good, hard road to feel like I'm finally getting to that place.  - There is discipline - but also participation ...oh that delights me to be able to truthfully say that =) ... they aren't "the" kids anymore ... they're "my" kids - My kids ... Abraham, whom I would LOVE to throttle ...but who delights me as he comes repeatedly asking for "more English" - with his twinkling eyes and taunting attitude. David ... who openly defied me ... then promptly got sent out - and returned the next class where he sat up straight, asked questions, even volunteered to help.  ... Or Giovani - the boy that parks cars on the other end of Santa Lucia (my street) - who insisted on stirring up the other sixth grade boys, sending them to Senor Director's office where they were rebuked and given extra assignments - and now he's my biggest asset in the class. - Calin  ... oh that girl - reminds me of my little Asian  princess, Abby - sarcastic ... brilliant... graceful and playful - who must be sought after and won before she is willing to learn.  ... Hugo ... the handsome boy who melts me above all others - his heart is beautiful - without the hardness that I see in most of the rest - He carries himself with respect and calls others to do the same. He reaches out to the outcast of the school- Sonia ... a girl who the others turn their noses up at for many reasons unnecessary to disclose here - "Who is your good friend here at Centro Scheel?", I asked her at lunch - curious about her social life - "El", she said softly pointing across the table to Hugo ....   the boy 5 years younger - who sits without fail next to her at the lunch table - pursuing that which is undesirable to many others .... No wonder God's heart is for the children. 

So little by little I make progress into the hearts and lives of these children. More and more I hope for them. More and more I truly see them. - This is a rich life that I live. I would ask for no other. 

No Longer

Over the past 25 years of my life God has taken me on an adventure like no other - one of healing, discovery, and fullness of joy. About 7 years ago when I gave up hope of ever reaching the place I so yearned to be, He responded to my despair by giving me the promise of Hosea 2:14 - 20. The past seven years has been full 

of His fulfillment of that promise ... layer after layer of the walls that the enemy worked so hard to build have been stripped away - He has filled the void that once ruled my life and bridged the gap with His peace, presence, and strength. His faithfulness in my life goes beyond my wildest hopes and greatest faith. He is Healing and Hope. I love Him.

Therefore, behold, I will allure her, I will bring her into the wilderness, 

      And speak comfort to her. I will give her her vineyards from there, 

      And the Valley of Achor as a door of hope;  She shall sing there, 

      As in the days of her youth, As in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt. 

For I will take from her mouth the names of the Baals,       And they shall be remembered by their name no more.

I will betroth you to Me forever; 

      Yes, I will betroth you to Me 

      In righteousness and justice, 

      In lovingkindness and mercy;

 

  

 Iwill betroth you to Me in faithfulness, 

      And you shall know the LORD

No~Longer....

Hungry

"Hungry I come to You for I know You'll satisfy"

It's been interesting, the time I've spent in the school. I've taught Engish to the big kids ... but developed relationship with the little ones. The little ones rip at my heart. They are so starved ... so desirous of their lives being recognized as worthy to be loved. Two of the ones I'm closest to - are Rosa (Rosita) and Yolanda. Rosa is the little stinker of the first graders. She's into more trouble than any of us would care to admit. - She's got a little glint in her eye 24/7 that says , "Be aware .. I AM as much of a monkey as I look" - She's probably all of 7-8 years old. ... but she's so much older than that. - there is a quote in Francine River's Redeeming Love that continues to come to my mind when I look into Rosita's eyes ... "Age has nothing to do with years" - Rosita dances ... but not the innocent dance of a girl who has been sheltered and proctected - she dances the dance of a woman ... a woman on the hunt for the attention of men - the dance of a girl who has undoubtedly been preyed upon. - her eyes are seductive and hips sway in such a sexy way, it's hard in that moment for me to believe she's only a baby. Such is a very typical way of life in Guatemala. A life lived before the first few years even begin to pass.

Rosa isn't the only child in the school that grabs my heart- My heart is firmly in the grip of a 15-yr-old boy named Abraham.

Abraham is insolent and will do ANYTHING to get my dander up - I spend half the time wanting to smack some sense and respect into him. - but then every once in a while he'll let that wall of defiance slip ... and I'll see what lies beneath the surface. - a little boy, who's scared and wants it to be ok to give and receive the love that, according to what I've gathered - he's never really had. That vulnerability that I see ... so rarely - that is what keeps me pursuing hope for him. Recently (as in a few days ago) - Abraham was kidnapped by armed men in suits ... and beaten up - because his father (who is a known drug dealer) had some sort of riff with them - Makes me sick and angry ... an innocent boy caught in the middle of grown men's lust for money and pleasure .... sickening. How this must grieve my Father's heart. - I'm caught in a frustrating place with Abraham. Unlike my little Rosita - Abraham would be considered an adult by Guatemalan standards - I can't have friendship with this boy since the dynamics would automatically be inappropriate - I'm his teacher ...and have to mantain a constant teacher/student relationship - one of authority and respect ... loving and firm. The best gift I can offer him is holding him to the highest standard ...pushing him always towards sucess and away from the sick cycle he's only ever known.

So much is offered to the people of Guatemala...to every life that inhabits the earth today - so much that promises fulfillment and pleasure. And every part of it momentary. All of it empty. To know that I belong to and am a tool of a Love that is, in itself ...ultimate satisfaction, fulfillment and joy - this brings purpose to every moment of my life. - We are here ... to shout "HE satisfies!!" - from every rooftop ..... we are here to prove His satisfaction to lives who have been disappointed time and again by dead promises. .... We are here to be hope extended. ....Let us take up and live this calling with all of our hearts before a lost and searching world. Let us not lose sight that we are under observation constantly .... The way we live - is the way we portray this beautiful, loving God we represent.

...Hungry, I come to You for I know You satisfy

Willing to fight

Today was my first *real* day of teaching at the Scheel Center - it was tough. More tough than I wanted it to be. - I expect challenges when I go into work ...and even though I claim to love being challenged - my attitude often disagrees with me. Today was no exception. - My first class went really well. The kids had no behavorial issues - and all was smooth. My second class was much different - I went in seemingly "together" and with it ... only to discover that when facing a rowdy group of 15-20 teenagers who've been taught an assortment of random English lessons .... none of which add up to what you're about to teach them .... can add up to be very challenging. I'm a little kid person. ...good teaching them - good disciplining them - good relating to them ...just generally ...good - practically been a mother to them my whole life - so it comes pretty easy and I really love it!! - And I've always been apprehensive of dealing with teens ...especially in a setting like that (in a classroom..I do better one-on-one) - but even more so since I don't speak the language well at all...the difficulty level sky rocketed. - I did my best to kind of make it up as I went along ...tried not to act flustered - but I was generally frustrated with the whole situation. ....what was my reaction? - hmmmm, maybe this just isn't my gifting - and was immidiately convicted....

I feel like something I find out over and over again is that nothing good and rich in life comes unearned - all things worthy have to be fought for ...and sought after. - this is something I discover in the day to day mundane, my spiritual journey, my relationships.... everything.

All weekend long has been one long reminder of how, if I truly want an in depth relationship with my Jesus ....I must be willing to not only open my arms to Him ...but also must run after Him with my all

And today served as another reminder... If I want to be the teacher that draws her students in ... makes them think - challenges them in a fun way that makes them want to know MORE .... I've got to pursue knowledge of how to teach (and learning to be organized might come in handy too! =) ... I must be willing to be ok with being new and starting at the beginning .... their lives should be worth it.

If I want growth in my life - I must seek it. I can't be content to continually sit back and wait for change to come to me .... I have to chase it.

Frustrates me extremely not to be perfect at something. It's humbling to me to be a beginner at something. - Rising to a challenge is something I so admire in other people .... being daunted is something I hate in myself. ..... so I have some things to learn... some things to take in stride as I branch out of my comfort zone in this teaching a gazillion teenagers -

So. I guess what it comes down to as I look into their eyes - some carefree .... some troubled .... some devishly charming ....some purely develish :P - are they worthy of my efforts and discomfort and being humbled? - if I can walk into a hospital and work fall in love with children that I swore I'd never touch (seriously...what the heck was wrong with me anyway??) .... then I figure that this too is an area where, with humility and a willingness to to learn - God can use me . - One thing that I love .... the way God places us in places where, in our own strength...we have nothing to offer - but with His annointing ...with His strength and wisdom and blessing ....we have potential to be powerful tools. - Beautiful.

Wipe Your Tears, Get to Work, and May God Bless You.

It's not often that I get to see the complete picture of God's heart in one, short morning - today was extraordinary. I was greeted today by the leader of a team we've got in for the week - big grin on his face ..."Let's go serve", he said. Excitement ... not something you often come in contact when it comes to serving in Hermano Pedro - it was beautiful to see!  Then later as I sat beside this same man in Pollo Compero ....with the children of Hermano Pedro surrounding us - he spoke of a conversation he'd had with his daughter - as she'd held a child to her chest and wept ..... heart broken and full of love - "It's ok", he told her - "those are the beautiful tears of Jesus for that child - but now you've got to wipe your tears and get to work"  ..... 

One of the greatest words of wisdom that my incredible mother has passed onto me - is that the enemy will do whatever it takes to keep needs from being met - one way is to blind you with selfishness - the other way is when your eyes are opened to the need....and your heart is broken - to paralyze you in your brokenness so that you are just as useless as when you were blind to the need. - that's what came mind when I heard Daryl speak of his daughter .... 

"Cry over them - then wipe your tears and get to work." 

How profound.  People often take need in layers .... see - process. feel - process. act - process .... all a road in preparing one's self to be of service - when the bottom line is just getting one's self the heck out of the way  - and seeing the Jesus you love in the eyes before you.  - but to hear it summed up in one simple sentence ..... pretty profound.

I was blessed today - like literally ...blessed. My sister and I passed by a beggar woman on the street just outside the Botagona. I passed by her - my hands were full of groceries and I couldn't reach for my pockets - but as I passed her, my arm brushed her outstretched hand - and as I did so - I knew that I couldn't pass her by ...this was one of those "Jesus" times. So I placed my groceries down - pulled a mere 10q out of my pocket - walked back to her - and placed it in her hand. As I turned to walk away, she reached out and grabbed my hand pulling me back - and only then did I truly see her...

 ~ She was typical in that she was dirty like the others - she was ancient looking like the others. Life had taken it's toll on her. - she was dressed in rags like the others  .... but unlike the others - she struck me as absolutely beautiful - about 4 feet tall with gray braids and sandals that were several sizes too small for her feet - her eyes were clouded over but there was a radiance in them. - As she pulled me back to her - she leaned over and kissed my hand.  - Then with a beautiful smile she placed her hand over my heart - "God will bless you", she said - She then reached up and crossed me ...."in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit -  .....He will bless you"  - 

I placed my hand on her shoulder - "He already has blessed me.... He already has".

I have never experienced the in such a real way the phrase, "inasmuch as you have done it to the least of these, My brethren - you have done it unto Me" - blows me away to think that the very same Jesus who I showed love to on the street today ...turned and blessed me right back.  ..... full circle. Full. Beautiful. Circle.

This is my life.

Wipe your tears, get to work, and may God bless you