"tis the season"

.christmas.

.it comes rolling around year after year with it's cinnamony warmth and crisp, pepperminty weather. Surrounding it are emotions that seem to flood us by the dozen as we look forward, reflect back, and take in the beauty of the season that has, once again arrived to embrace us in it's warmth.

:::::::::::

For me, Christmas this year is pure fun. Why? ...

it's quite simple, actually. I'm surrounded by children. My life right now is full of children. There's the

twins ... two little chipmunks who throw up and scream at me 3/4 of the time... knowing that at the end of the day - all it takes is a grin and giggle and they are forgiven. Or better still ... walking in and seeing them sleeping (finally) like darling little vanilla angels ..

.curled up against the side of their cribs, each of them with their arms wrapped tight around their green and blue stuffed moose. "oh my littles ... how I adore you",

::that said ...they really do need to be spanked soundly and put to bed ...little boys who take full advantage of the cuteness factor are rather wretched, in my opinion. You're stuck adoring their every move no matter HOW naughty they've been all day ... what's a nanny to do but love them to pieces? Bridger with his little giggle during pat-a-cake. or Knox with his begrudging grin and sing-song voice when I talk to him. Knox is a budding musician ....and Bridger a hunter like his daddy. Both are personality plus and I adore them for it :::

::Alyssa::

This little one is my spunky, spirited, tomboy of an absolute princess. She's complex and intricate. She's simple and basic. She's all girl and yet not at all. She's brilliant and vibrant. She's curious and competitive. She is beauty and grace and life all rolled up into a little blond angel. She greets me at the door each morning with the day all planned out for us :: "Nanny, can we go to the science place behind the library?" *insert deeeeep breathe here* Look, Nanny...LOOK. We have our Christmas tree up. I like it, don't you, hmmmm, Nanny? Nanny (in a commanding voice as only Alyssa can muster) Come see little brother!! He missed you! ...but he loves me best (looking at me sideways in warning ...and pity. Big sisters,

after all DO take place over everyone else in "Little brother's" mind:) :::WHICH brings me to "Little brother":::

Cole sits back and watches life go by with a grin on his face. He scrunches up his nose as Alyssa administers numerous kisses from head..........to toe; then a smile lights up his precious little face when she speaks to him. Surely...surely no other little boy's big sister could possibly top HIS! He blows bubbles at me during bath time and sings a little birdie song as I prepare lunch. He nestles his head into my chest as he drifts off to a cozy baby sleep. What a treasure. I tuck him into his swing and watch him for a moment...so peaceful, so quiet...everything dims to a whisper.....

"NANNY!!!!" ... annnnd the whisper is over!! "Let's make puppets! Let's go to the library! Let's go see my friend Cadence...HER nanny is nice, you'll like her. I promise!!"

Grinning, I swoop her up into my arms and give her a hundred kisses. And we head out ...to greet whatever life adventure is in store for the little girl and her nanny.

I take joy and absolute pride in my children. I love their strengths....work through their weaknesses....celebrate their personalities....and take pride in who they are becoming. I am privileged ... so privileged to be apart of their lives.

Christmas is here. and so is the innocence who knows best how to celebrate it. No wonder God loves children so incredibly deeply. They are celebration of all His creation.

.a full life within an evening.

In my family. Thanksgiving is one of the most looked forward to holidays of the year. We celebrate big, loud, dramatic, and together with all of our hearts. Differences are set aside...drama is laughed at...and love for each other is fiercely celebrated. This year was different in that most of the older kids have all moved off and have started lives elsewhere. But when we gather ...it's as if we've never been apart. There is still that incredibly weird Scottness that only "we" get ....there's still that one dramatic time of panic where my mom just KNOWS that things are falling apart and we aren't going to make it (!!!)... and there's still that quiet understanding between us girls ... work a little harder, breathe a little deeper, ...resting in the fact that it always, always strangely comes together in the end. ::like clockwork::

And like clockwork, the dynamics are always the same. Our boys arrive loud, crazy, and adorable. Somehow they always manage to get in the way in all their efforts to help us out. And despite our frustration at their antics amidst pre-Thanksgiving preparations ... we continually find ourselves laughing....and laughing....and laughing.

Everyone talks at once. Everyone has the most important news EVER to share with the rest of the family. And everyone, no matter if it's only been minutes... acts as if it's been years since the last time we were together. So many shades of ridiculous. So many things I love.

Nieces and nephews that are endlessly and increasingly adorable. Each of the aunts and uncles POSITIVE that the newest baby has THEIR looks :) ....but let's just face it. Simeon so totally is my child....can't argue with the obvious!

But there are things that I miss ... people that we all miss. And things to look forward to being thankful for :) Like a girl closest to my heart being home with her family...the family that welcomed me into their home and honeymoon :) ... serving as shelter and guide through some of the roughest times of my life. The Scotts aren't the Scotts without our Mel and her Scott and little Davis darlings. I miss delving into details of our family time together while cleaning the kitchen with Mel .... or finding her and Mama on the bed in my parent's bedroom talking, talking, about this, that, and everything in between. I miss Cadon in all of my doting on Simeon. I miss embarrassing Scott with my huge hugs and dramatic, shocking statements....just to see his reaction (yes...I know I'm awful :) I miss his stability and wisdom and constant kindness and depth. I miss seeing him interact with the rest of the Scott boys ... I miss having two sets of grandbabies instead of just one. I miss the memory of being the aunt of my Mel's children in their Grandmommy's house. ".... Lord, please move as I know only You can. Bring our Mel and her little family home to her Scotts. "

I miss it....and love it already. What dear things we all look forward to.

I think, more than anything this year, I look at my family and see how much grace God has poured out on us. We've stumbled through so much ...and always ...through everything ...the Lord has granted relationship and grace ...such depth. We are so blessed!!

As I stood, surrounded by the people I love the most in life, I sat thinking to myself.... why? ....why is it that WE are so blessed? Why is it that we get to love so deeply and live so incredibly fully? Why is it that we each have the privilege of witnessing each other's wrestle through life? Why is it that God so intricately planned it so our personalities ...our strengths and weaknesses fit so perfectly together :) - allowing Him to use them as tools to beautifully shape and mold each other's lives.

So there we were. Gathered once again to celebrate family, life, and love. He has given us so much....and the giving continues as life goes as we continue... each of us on the journey of what it means to belong to the One called Love.

:::::::::

.to be loved.

It's funny how one conversation...even one word can change your heartshape. Something my brother, in beautiful vulnerability said to me was, "I love loving people ... and I love being loved." Said in a conversation about the difference between fear of man and the desire to simply be loved. It struck me so profound.

It has been rare in my life ... that I have felt the presence of love lacking. Of course there have been some people who've loved me in the wrong way... but still ...out of their own confused lives ... they DID love...I did my best to take what was healthy, and left behind what was not. But in the rare moments ... where a jab is made - one well known and targeted ... those forever leave me reeling. Sometimes I withdraw....sometimes I react in anger ... but mostly...I notice the ache of unlove I feel in that moment... and comparing it to it's opposition..a well targeted word of reaching out in whatever form...saying, "hey... you are known...and loved...by me" - Funny...even writing that sentence brings tears to my eyes. (of course... I cry at anything these days.)

I am struck with how awesome the responsibility is...of truly knowing a person. How carefully we must tread in our journey alongside that person...because through our knowledge of who they are, we are enabled to destroy or... to bring about a masterpiece of grace.

There is an ache within every person to be known thoroughly and a loved just as thoroughly ... not blind love, ignoring flaws ... but a love that embraces even the darkest parts of who they are.

I see that ache in every person I know. And I'm fully aware of it within the privacy of my own heart. Such a beautiful, vulnerable, tender thing to be fully known by another human being. Sometimes ... all it takes to fill that ache is just one person ... one person who knows by heart every place of the deepest parts of your soul.

I'm sure the highest, most holy/correct :) place to be is acknowledging and taking joy in the Lord having that knowledge of who you are. But to me....it's simply another way He shows His love ... by knowing me through another person. And he HAS shown me that love. I have the deepest of relationships with a sister who has stormed the gates of hell on my behalf....danced in my joy....wept at my pain... embraced my all. And in that, she has lead me and impacted me in a greater way than anyone I have ever known.

My heart longs to know and be known ... to love and be loved. To tread carefully and in strength, founded in the greatest Love of all.

.radically defined.

:/: Definition:/: :

a statement expressing the essential nature of something

:::::::

:/:Essential:/:

belonging to the very nature of a thing and therefore being incapable of removal without destroying the thing itself or its character

.beautiful.

I have missed my Alex. I've missed all of my children from Hermano Pedro Hospital... but mostly Alex. We were on a journey together, Alex and I. We laughed together, cried together, wrestled with life together, fought death together, and loved God together. It was by far, one of the most difficult, beautiful seasons of my life - being allowed to struggle alongside one of the most profoundly extraordinary individuals I have ever had the privilege of knowing.

I walk by Alex from afar now. I go about my American life doing my best to hold what God taught me while in Guatemala close to me. ...and even now I continue to learn from my time with Alex. He taught me so much about the very nature of God. He taught me about humanity.... about how fragile and very precious life is. He showed me that the importance lies not in the end result ... but in how we wrestle.... how we get there...because it is in the wrestle that our character is formed. He taught me the meaning of that exposed, naked feeling of rawness in the presence of God ... when all strength flees, and you are left with nothing but a love so blinding and so strong that at times you turn away in order to shield yourself from it....simply because like all the horrors in this life that our frail human eyes and minds were not meant to witness ... so His intense, merciless love is too much for our fragile human selves to even begin to comprehend or take in. Such a fierce, persistent persual is one that has been with me my entire life.

This is what it comes down to. My goals have changed. I have given up "arriving"....and am simply content to rest in the process. I've turned aside the constant, selfish questions of "who am I in this world - and what part am I to play" ... and am clinging to the slowly learned, beautiful understanding that I am defined as one radically beloved by God - submitting to the brilliant, blinding truth of His light.

Taking to me this beautiful truth :: because I am defined by as one beloved by God - I belong to the very nature of God ...and therefore ...am incapable of removal without destroying Him or His character.

.radically defined.

.this is the purpose in the incredible journey called Life.

.innocence.

 she stands barefoot at the edge of the yard, hands clasped behind her back. Strands of her long black hair has blown loose from her once tidy French braid. – her skin is fresh and beautiful and brown. She is a picture of untainted grace.

 

Her very being is winsome as she takes in life through wise eyes and lives it out with not a care in the world.  She is wisdom waiting to mature.

 

Her name is Anna and she is Innocence.

 

I stand behind her, observing. I am struck by beauty of the innocence before me.  I want to call her to me and embrace every part of her. For in her is the innocence that I find in the presence of my Father.  And surely, to embrace her is to embrace Him somehow.  But I refrain for the moment – taking in her beauty from a distance for a while longer.

 

Suddenly, the moment of stillness is broken and the small girl leaps to life as an approaching vehicle captures her attention.

 

“Daddy!!” Delight is spilled into the air as she half skips, half runs towards the car.  Her footsteps are light and barely touch the ground. “Sammy, Dad’s here!!”  - She throws the news over her shoulder to the boy bent over his fishing pole.  He looks up, distracted momentarily from his tangled fishing line –

 

“Mmm hmm”.

 

His half response brings me a smile . He’s busy with more important matters.

 

My attention is brought once again to Innocence and her Father. – His face is alight with love that surrounds her every move.  Innocence runs into the arms that envelope her with safety. For here, there is perfect freedom. The world can’t touch her.

 

“How was your day?”, asks Anna’s daddy….

 

“Daughter, pour out your heart to me.”, says the Father…..

 

“Mommy took me to the mall and I bought this new shirt. Do you like it?”  Anna steps back and turns slowly around allowing her daddy to inspect the pink knit top.

 

“Wow, that’s perfect for you. I think you look beautiful!!”

 

:::::::::

 

“Father, I walked with you throughout the day. I felt your presence in every moment.  But Lord, I looked up at one point and realized that I’m growing up and becoming familiar with the world around me. And what I see scares me and leaves me full of questions…

 

“You are my Innocent and I your Protector and Shelter.”, responds the Father “Nothing can separate you from My love – not even yourself”

 

“What if I’m not strong enough for what is out there?”  - Innocence turns around in her Father’s arms and looks deep into His promising eyes.  – His arms tightened and His eyes fill with tears.

 

“You’re not, Daughter”

 

::::::::::::

 

Anna takes her daddy’s hand and tugs him towards the house. “Can we go to see a movie today, Daddy? Can we go for ice cream? Can Abby and Amanda come too? But not Sammy ‘cause he wants to go fishing”  - Mindless of her own chatter, she continues on in the presence of her beloved daddy

 

::::::::::::

 

Her heart tights when a tear from the Father’s eye drops softly on her forehead.  And though she would be content to stay here in this place with her precious Protector for the rest of forever – there is a sense of dread that starts to form in the bottom of her soul. – She pushes it to the far corners of herself, trying to hide it from her Creator.

 

He looks. Past her eyes. past her heart. into her soul. 

 

“Daughter., I already hold the hidden of the hidden. Don’t run from Me.”

 

Avoiding eye contact, she wiggles off His lap and slowly, distractedly walks away.

 

“Daughter”

 

she continues.

 

“Innocence”

 

She slows.

 

“I have called you by name, Dearling. You will forever be written upon the depths of Who I am.  I have called you Eternal. Unending. Everlasting. – for it is not possible for Me to cease My pursuit of your whole.

 

Run from Me. And I will chase you until forever far behind us. Hide from me in the darkest corners of your flesh.  And even there you will find Me wrapped all around you.

 

I. Will. Never. Leave. You.

 

She stops.  Silence hangs .

 

Then, as he looks on, She runs. And He weeps.

 

To the lovers that have, since the beginning, called her by the name she knows. To the voices of demonic allusions. To the darkness that promises ease and nothingness, she runs. And runs. And runs. And runs.

 

“Precious”

Squeezing her eyes tight. Welcome, darkness.

 

“Beloved”

 

She puts her hands to her ears and screams.  Perfect, empty noise.

 

“My beautiful one”

 

There is roaring and raging over her.  Then beautiful void. And then silence.  ….. absolute silence.

 

She finds herself curled up in fetal  position. She doesn’t cry. She doesn’t feel. She waits for death to come forward and call her name.

 

“Esperanza”

 

Hope? – The once Innocent smiles with a bitterness that cuts the Father’s heart. –

 

“There is no such thing”.  – and the darkness dances and the lovers roar their approval.

 

“SILENCE!!!!!”

 

the darkness shrinks. The lovers quiet, and the voices still.

 

His presence is brilliant and cutting and fearful and she’s caught. –

 

Shrinking away she covers her face - “Please stop loving me. Please. Please abandon me. It’s what I want. I don’t know Your presence anymore. I’m not Innocence anymore. I’m not your Daughter. I don’t want what You offer. I don’t want You.”

 

Suddenly she realizes that she’s in His arms – and her tears find her again. She weeps.

 

“Hagar,  Run from Me. And I will chase you until forever far behind us. Hide from me in the darkest corners of your flesh.  And even there you will find Me wrapped all around you.  - “I have called you by name, Esperanza. You will forever be written up the depths of Who I am.  I have called you Eternal. Unending. Everlasting. – for it is not possible for Me to cease My pursuit of your whole.”

 

:::::::::::

 

Little Anna snuggles under her covers. Her daddy leans down and kisses her softly on the forehead. “Love you, Daddy” – “I love you too, sweetie. Sleep tight”

 

::::::::::

 

Innocence looks up into her Beloved’s eyes. “Are you really here?”

 

“I’m here. And so are you.”, responds the Father.  “You are my Innocent and I your Protector and Shelter.”, “Nothing can separate you from My love – not even yourself”

 

“We are forever.”

and so i return.

Since my last post, much has taken place.  – much. Part of that ‘much’ being that I’ve given my place as a teacher at the Scheel Center to two other women – and have returned to my place in the hospital.  – I have been made aware of how little time I’ve spent at the hospital … the same place that was my focus for being here in the first place – in my efforts to be the best teacher I possibly could be, I was quickly pulled entirely away from my children at the hospital.  – and, as ashamed as I am  to admit it  … I was ok with it. After my little Alex nearly lost his life due to the care in the hospital … that was it – I couldn’t take it anymore (crazy … how that entire decision was self-centered) – But first it was Alex … and then shortly after Chochi passed away – it was crazy that kind of loss ….so completely and utterly out of my hands – there was not one thing that I could do or say or prevent – it simply …was. 

 

And so I dove headfirst into teaching. – I found purpose there. I found a lot of learning there. – but God’s anointing was lacking…His blessing was over my teaching …simply because He is in any part of  our serving others. … but it wasn’t the same as it was when I was working at Hermano Pedro.  – There are two place in my life …where God and I absolutely meet – one is when I’m playing the violin – the other is in Hermano Pedro … one I absolutely love – the other is a battle to continue because to love in Hermano Pedro is to constantly place your heart on the line…having no control over what takes place. It’s funny … someone told me that I was taking the easier road pulling away from teaching and going back to Hermano Pedro – but no … I took the easy road when I LEFT my children at Hermano Pedro.  – in teaching …there is no risk – in Hermano Pedro …there is absolute and pure joy …but also daily heartbreak.  That hospital is just about the only place where there is no focus on “me” whatsoever – I leave my flesh at the door and enter to face a reality of lives who have known nothing outside the compounds of the wards in which they live. 

 

Something that I discover more for myself everyday … is that a life lived for “self” – couldn’t possibly be more empty.  It is a pleasure that is only momentary leaving you wanting for more.  … there is so much about this life that I remain clueless in … seeking and searching out truth, - but there are things that have stood the test of my entire life – 

 

::Pouring into other’s lives … is a rarity … a beauty that is not often enough lived. I want to learn to walk in this way of life without even thinking – as a reflux..  I am eternally far from that as I stumble through this life so very selfishly  - but it is my desire … because I have experienced a life lived for others during different seasons in my life  - and there is simply nothing richer.

 

:: There is so much about Christianity and the church … that I simply do not get – I’ve never been remotely theologically minded so much escapes me … but this I do know – Jesus Christ is the love of my life…I don’t, for the life of me – understand Him J - but I love Him. I want His truth untainted by humanity …perhaps that’s presumptuous – perhaps I won’t know or understand until I get to heaven … but I want my journey here to be always, always towards that truth….towards His heart for the lives He’s created.  – How beautiful His heart must be.  … how I long to see it fully.

 

O to grace how great a debtor

daily I'm constrained to be!

Let thy goodness, like a fetter,

bind my wandering heart to thee.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,

prone to leave the God I love;

here's my heart, O take and seal it,

seal it for thy courts above.

 

“bind my wondering heart to Thee” … beautiful – This God I love … even at the deepest darkest moments of my wonderings … He seeks me out to pour out the truth of His love on His silly, headstrong daughter. – His love makes me ache.

Little by little/ Poco a poco

My kids at the Scheel Center - I have such a mixture of words to describe them. - There is this thick, thick layer of self preservation they each surround themselves with. - For some, this is defiance. For others, the art of manipulation.  - Still others, the victim mentality and game. As I come to know them ... I have discovered the arrogance of generalization and the pricelessness of seeing individuals. The latter is overwhelming and often seemingly impossible to take in - 3 different classes of unique individuals, each of whom has a story ... a history all to his/her own - soul full of strengths and weaknesses - a life crying out to be known. Crazy ... the first time I walked into a class ... all I could see was a sea of beautiful faces - an overwhelming task of somehow persuading them to grasp the gift of a new language that I offered. - Hoping upon hope that they would fall in love with me as I was with them. ...and knowing that I was going to have to first earn their respect - before their love. I came wanting to captivate their interest and cultivate their minds  - and it's taken a good, hard road to feel like I'm finally getting to that place.  - There is discipline - but also participation ...oh that delights me to be able to truthfully say that =) ... they aren't "the" kids anymore ... they're "my" kids - My kids ... Abraham, whom I would LOVE to throttle ...but who delights me as he comes repeatedly asking for "more English" - with his twinkling eyes and taunting attitude. David ... who openly defied me ... then promptly got sent out - and returned the next class where he sat up straight, asked questions, even volunteered to help.  ... Or Giovani - the boy that parks cars on the other end of Santa Lucia (my street) - who insisted on stirring up the other sixth grade boys, sending them to Senor Director's office where they were rebuked and given extra assignments - and now he's my biggest asset in the class. - Calin  ... oh that girl - reminds me of my little Asian  princess, Abby - sarcastic ... brilliant... graceful and playful - who must be sought after and won before she is willing to learn.  ... Hugo ... the handsome boy who melts me above all others - his heart is beautiful - without the hardness that I see in most of the rest - He carries himself with respect and calls others to do the same. He reaches out to the outcast of the school- Sonia ... a girl who the others turn their noses up at for many reasons unnecessary to disclose here - "Who is your good friend here at Centro Scheel?", I asked her at lunch - curious about her social life - "El", she said softly pointing across the table to Hugo ....   the boy 5 years younger - who sits without fail next to her at the lunch table - pursuing that which is undesirable to many others .... No wonder God's heart is for the children. 

So little by little I make progress into the hearts and lives of these children. More and more I hope for them. More and more I truly see them. - This is a rich life that I live. I would ask for no other.